Chapter Text
Cold air rushed from the dark, open doorway. Seff had maybe expected it to become less jarring at some point; evidently, it hadn't, and instinctively she took a step back and shut her eyes tightly before entering. She clung to Rohan's paw as the two of them walked; she focused on going someplace far away.
The storage room was not home, was not the beach, was not the woods or the streets of the suburbs, was not a shop with its windows smashed in or a house in a city several thousand miles away, was not the room of a lover or a friend. A plane could be defined by the vector orthogonal to it, she recalled. She walked in a direction perpendicular to her destination. Sand and grass and snow shifted under her boots. She listened for Rohan's breathing, which came at her from all directions and grew shuddering and ragged; she kept her grip around her paw tight and outstretched the other, and after what felt like an eternity it made contact with something cold and door-shaped, and she opened it.
The storage room was dark, as expected, and only Rory was seated inside. His eyes gleamed sharply in the dim light of the lantern Rohan held; she wondered how he had managed without it. She wondered where everyone else had gone. She started to feel as though this all was a particularly bad idea.
"You came back," Rory said. "For the expeditions?"
"Sort of," Seff said. "This is… her name is Rohan. You remember how I said I needed to find two white hares?"
"Sure."
"They're her parents. She needs them back. We need your help finding them."
"She doesn't look white," Rory noted. Rohan narrowed her eyes.
"She has a condition," Seff replied. "Her fur doesn't turn with the seasons."
Rory looked up at Seff. "She's very small."
"And?" Seff replied.
"She doesn't seem very useful, is all."
"Is that relevant? Does she need to be strong?"
"I wasn't thinking we'd let just anyone in," Rory said. "It's dangerous out here, Seth."
"Seff."
"Seff. Listen. Food is limited, and space is limited, and we're sending people out with the full knowledge they could die at any point. I offered you a place to stay under the assumption you'd contribute."
"I could contribute. She could contribute, too. In her own way." Seff glanced down at Rohan. "And she'll go with her parents, if you can find them."
"And what if they're dead?" Rory asked.
"She'll stick with me."
"And it'll be our responsibility to feed her? To give her a place to stay?"
"If I'm with you, then yes," Seff replied. "As long as she's with me, we're a package deal. Or I won't stay. Clearly you don't need me, if you're willing to let me go over her." She turned to face the door, as if to make a point.
"Wait. Wait," Rory said. "The others left. They went on an expedition, and they haven't come back. I don't know how long it's been. I don't know if they're going to come back. I need manpower, Seff."
"You offered to help find her parents. If you help, and you find them, I stay with you, she goes with them, and everything's peachy."
"That was when I had other men, Seff," Rory said. "Now I don't know if I can waste time looking for her parents."
"It hasn't been that long. They'll come back."
Rory inhaled sharply. "Fine. Fine. Okay. I trust you, and because I trust you I'll tell you the truth."
Seff cocked her head.
"It wasn't an expedition. I lost them in the hall. I lost track of them in the dark, and when I heard them calling for me things wearing their skins attacked me. And I killed those things until there wasn't anything left. Had to do what I had to do, you know?" His eyes widened, and his voice dropped to a whisper."I think they're gone for good, Seff. I need you. Just you. And you are going to stay, right?" Rory asked, and grabbed for Seff's wrist so tightly she felt the blood leave the tip of her paw. "You're going to stay here? I promise it's safer."
"It doesn't seem very safe."
"They didn't know the rules. But you know the rules, Seff. Please just tell me you'll stay." His voice grew more and more panicked.
"I don't know," Seff said.
"Tell me the truth."
Seff hesitated. "I have to take care of Rohan."
"We can't keep her. She's weak. She'll die."
"Then I won't stay."
Rory's grip tightened; she pulled away. "You're both going to die out there," he said matter-of-factly. "They'll kill you and leave nothing but a shade."
"That's not true."
"Or worse. You live. They turn you into one of them," Rory continued. "The bunny? Not your responsibility. You'll kill her if you keep her, eventually, if she doesn't die on her own. That's nature."
"It's not," Seff replied.
"I lost all of them. I told you. I told you." Rory shook his head. "The first one we lost, way back when? He was like a brother to me. I hear him out there, you know? I hear the things he says to me. Every time I go out. Every time the lights turn off."
"Stop it," Seff said. She took a step back; her ears twitched as her fur brushed up against the wall behind her. "You're not going to convince me."
"Things haven't been the same since," Rory said. His eyes narrowed. "He wants me dead. He's told me. The same'll happen to you."
"That's not him. He's dead. You found his body. You told me that."
"I've tried to kill him a hundred times, you know?"
"He's already dead," Seff replied. "Aren't you listening? That's not him. It's something pretending to be him, at best."
"I've felt his teeth in my side."
"Stop it."
"I've felt his neck crack under my paws."
"Stop," Seff said. "I don't want to hear it."
"Do you want that to happen? Do you want that to be what you turn into?"
"I won't let it happen."
"Join me and it won't. Stay here. Life is good. I know what I'm doing. We know what we're doing." He took another step closer.
Seff shoved him back. His knees buckled. "I have a responsibility."
"The girl was never going to live," Rory replied. He stumbled back to his feet and gestured towards Seff. "Look at her."
Rohan stood, dwarfed by them both, and stared up at Rory; she had not said a word.
"She's small. Defenseless. Useless," Rory said.
"Stop."
"Look at her fur. She can't even hide properly. How is she supposed to survive?"
"You said you weren't monsters," Seff replied.
"So we won't eat her," Rory said. "We'll just kill her. It's mercy."
"How?"
"Be-cause," he replied, enunciating each syllable like he thought she was stupid, "everything happens for a reason. All this? It all happened so the strong would survive. So we could form our own little groups and leave the rest to die. So we'd pick them off when nature didn't. Everyone else is gone now, but I survived for a reason. It's a message from God."
"Horseshit," Seff said. "There's no reason. You should know that."
"If we let you both go, you'll kill her," Rory continued. "If she leaves alone, something will. You'll never stop hearing her voice. You'll never find her body. But, if we kill her here, she gets a proper burial someplace. A funeral. The guilt goes away. The grief goes away, with someplace to go. She doesn't suffer. It's easier on everyone."
Blood trickled down Seff's chin: her own, she realized.
"It never goes away," she whispered, her teeth in her lip. She glanced down; Rohan, she realized, had stepped back and was clinging to her leg. "The grief. It doesn't go away."
"What?"
"You hear the voices of people who died long ago. People who are still alive."
"It doesn't matter. I need you, Seff. You need me. We don't need her."
"If you kill her, it'll never stop. No matter what you do. No matter what kind of closure you think you get."
"You don't have a choice."
"You hear the people you miss out there. They stick with you, no matter when they died, no matter where they are. You just have to keep going."
"They can kill you, Seff. They don't care who you are. They will if you go on your own. Either she dies, or you both will."
"Maybe they can. But I won't let them."
She took Rohan's paw in her own, forced open the door, and together they ran, faster than Rory could react, into the freezing dark.
Eyes closed, they ran far and away, above the snow and far above the ground, into the star-speckled sky, kept aloft by the knowledge that they were both alive, and by the hope that they would find, somewhere, someday, a place as bright and warm as morning, that smelled like life and fire and running water.
Until then, Seff promised, they’d live.