Chapter Text
Voices reached his audials, muffled and indecipherable. His body was numb, unresponsive to his calls to move. For a brief moment, he was back beneath Megatron's pedes, the immobilizer aimed at him. But no, that wasn't it—it happened a long time ago.
That didn't quell the anxious humming of his spark. Starscream opened his optics, finding them one of the few things that would respond. Unfamiliar walls were ahead of him, medical equipment strewn in a semi-organized fashion around the room. He wasn't supposed to be here.
Where was he? The human—
They turned him in. They betrayed him! Now he was going to be imprisoned, thrown about, laughed at—the Autobots had him! He needed to get away, but he still couldn't move. What had they done?
His spark pounded in its casing. He needed to move, he couldn't, he needed to—
"He's awake."
No, no, no—he had to get away—they were going to—
Starscream's dentae ached. He needed to calm down, but there was no way for him to move, so he couldn't—
"You're fine," a gruff voice grumbled. "We blocked any commands to move your body while you're recovering. You weren't supposed to wake up right now."
"I told you," the voice that spoke earlier said.
The gruff-voiced mech sighed.
"Wh—" Starscream paused. He could speak? "When can I mo—move again?"
A flash of scarlet came into view. Starscream put that together with the other voice—Knock Out.
"We're nearly done patching you up," Knock Out said. "When we finish flushing your energeon, you'll be moved to a cell."
He expected that.
"How long?"
"Soon," the gruff voice said. "We had to do a complete replacement, but you were in stasis for most of it. What kind of slag were you drinking to get this many crystals in your lines?"
Starscream stared at the mech—or at least where he thought the mech was. What did they think?
"It wasn't li—like I had free access to—" Starscream's vocalizer cut off. He forced the words forth. "En—energeon with you keeping it all lo—locked up."
The gruff-voiced mech made a displeased noise. Something nearby shuffled and the world faded away.
☆☆☆
Starscream woke in a cell. It was much more spacious than the one he briefly inhabited as a prisoner of the humans, but just as empty. He pushed himself off of the floor, pausing as pedesteps echoed down the halls. As they reached the front of the cell, Starscream walked to the edge.
The mech was familiar. He knew who she was, instinctively, but he couldn't believe it. Why would she be here, of all places? Had Soundwave really…?
"Why?" Skywarp asked him.
"Why what?"
Her optics stared into his. "All of this. Any of this. Just… tell me."
That was vague. Immensely vague. What was he supposed to say?
"What do you want to hear?" Starscream asked.
"What was the point?" Skywarp hissed. "Attacking him, betraying us, abandoning me… why?"
Starscream's fingers curled. "You betrayed me!"
"I was worried!" Skywarp yelled. "You—you were… you're so fragging stubborn! You killed Thundercracker and you were killing yourself! It had to stop!"
"I didn't kill Thundercracker!" Starscream screeched.
How could she ever…?
Skywarp took a step back. "You're right."
"Of course I'm right!" Starscream said. "We both know who was truly responsible."
Skywarp stared at him for a moment. Then, she sighed. "This isn't worth it."
With a puff of air, she disappeared.
The halls were silent. Starscream's dentae ached. His spark hummed uncomfortably in his chest. The humming spread throughout his body, making it tingle.
He gave in to impulse, shoving himself into the corner of the cell and sinking his dentae into his arm. They were probably monitoring him, but it didn't matter. He needed something—anything—and he was the only thing in the cell.
☆☆☆
His next visitor was even less wanted. Starscream was still in the corner of the cell when he arrived, completely unaware until the mech said his name.
"Starscream."
Starscream jumped, his spark hammering. Then, he let out a quiet hiss and turned to face the mech. Megatron stared at him from across the containment field, optics glowing in the dim hallway.
"What do you want?" Starscream muttered.
"Watch your tone," Megatron said. "I just want to talk."
Starscream raised his brows. "Just talk? You've never been the talking type."
He was lucky the containment field was between them, but that could change at any moment. Who knew if Megatron had the code to deactivate it? It would be just like him to visit purely to get his hands on Starscream.
"You're a stubborn mech," Megatron said. "It was the only way to get you to listen."
Or, perhaps, Megatron could have just listened to him. Starscream decided to keep that thought to himself.
"So that justified it all, then?" Starscream said.
Megatron huffed. "And what is 'it all' to you, Starscream? You chose to act like a rabid turbofox and I reacted accordingly."
"So I deserved it," Starscream said.
Megatron rolled his optics. "When didn't you?"
Starscream hummed. He stared down at his hands as he curled and uncurled his fingers.
"What are you doing?"
Starscream kept staring. "I don't know."
"Look at me when I'm talking to you," Megatron said.
Starscream curled and uncurled his fingers again, the joints beginning to strain from the repetitive action. "No."
"Why not?"
That tone. Starscream knew that tone. He fought to keep his wings in place as they begged to fan out, to intimidate. His spark hummed uncomfortably in his chest. His fingers stung as he curled and uncurled them again.
"I don't want to," Starscream said.
"You don't want to?" Megatron repeated.
Starscream turned away from him.
"Don't ignore me—"
"Frag off!" Starscream screeched, whipping back toward Megatron. "Just leave me alone!"
"I'm your leader, Starscream!" Megatron yelled. "You don't get to tell me what to do!"
"Was!" Starscream howled. "You were! You're not even a Decepticon anymore! I led them when you abandoned us! You have no right to—"
"And how far did that get you?"
Megatron's voice was eerily calm, rage that was boiling over now just simmering beneath the surface. Starscream froze.
"How far did that get you, Starscream?"
Nowhere, but he wasn't going to say that.
"Frag off," he said instead.
"You—"
Pedesteps echoed down the hall. Both mecha paused. Knock Out emerged from the entryway, a cube of energeon in one hand and a case of… something… at his side.
"Megatron," Knock Out said. "I wasn't aware of any visitors today."
Megatron grunted and pushed past Knock Out. "I was just checking in."
Knock Out chuckled. "Well, isn't that my job? He is my patient."
Megatron sighed and left. Knock Out watched him walk down the hall before turning toward Starscream.
"I won't do the whole 'dangerous prisoner' treatment for this," Knock Out said with a dramatic scoff. "Unless you want it, that is. It's a lot easier for me to just come in there."
Starscream shrugged. Knock Out smiled and entered a sequence on the control pad, then stepped into the cell. He offered the cube to Starscream, who took it with gentle hands.
He stared down at it. The color was perfect—a bright, glowing cyan. Its flavor was phenomenal, but Starscream paused halfway out of habit. Knock Out nudged the cube.
Right. He… wasn't going to run out. Starscream drank the rest and set the empty cube aside.
Knock Out clapped his hands. "Great! Now, would you like a new paint job?"
"What do you think?"
Knock Out grinned. "I think yes."
He opened the case, showing off his paints. Starscream picked a set that mimicked his previous colors—there was no perfecting perfection. Knock Out set them up and painted. The soft stroke of the brush was relaxing, and Starscream found himself slowly drifting away.
He opened his optics when the sensation paused. Knock Out stared down at his arms, brush hovering over a patch where the paint was scraped away. Fear curled around Starscream's spark. The marks were unmistakably made by dentae—his dentae.
Knock Out had to know. Shame burned within Starscream, flames rising, threatening to consume him. Then, the brush landed.
"I used to be obsessed with maintaining my finish," Knock Out said.
What? A startled laugh escaped Starscream's vocalizer before he could stop it.
"It is a little bit amusing," Knock Out said. "I just needed my finish to be perfect, but every time I went to stop, I'd find some flaw. I would grind myself down until there was no paint left."
Starscream didn't know how to respond. Knock Out glanced at him, dipping the brush.
Knock Out continued. "I didn't know why I was doing it, just that I couldn't stop. During the war, a… friend… noticed it. He tried to get me to stop, and it did work for a while, but when he died… well, I picked it back up again."
One of Starscream's arms was fully repainted. Knock Out released it and gently took the other, laying it on his hand with the bitten patch exposed.
What did Knock Out have to gain from telling Starscream this?
Knock Out ran the brush down the bare patch and continued. "I kept it up throughout the war. I'm not certain how I managed. When Megatron surrendered, I was one of the first mecha to seek asylum. I thought I could keep it hidden the same way I had, but the Autobots were a tad more observant than I expected."
"When they caught you—" Starscream's voice wavered. "What happened?"
Knock Out's optics grew distant, as if reliving the memory. "It was Ratchet who caught me. I thought he'd be furious, but all he did was promise to help."
The final patch was filled in. Knock Out held the arm for a moment, smile fading.
"What I'm trying to say is… I know how it feels. You don't have to be ashamed."
Knock Out put the paints back in the case and closed it. Starscream felt the need to speak, but no words came to him. He watched helplessly as Knock Out left, his words echoing in Starscream's processor.
☆☆☆
There wasn't much to do in the empty cell but recharge. When Starscream woke again, it was to another visitor. Paws scrabbled over his frame, a quiet bark reaching his audials. Starscream opened his optics.
"Buster?"
Buster barked again, shoving his face in Starscream's. Starscream laughed and raised a hand to pet him. As the dog leaned into the touch, Starscream looked toward the containment wall. If Buster was here, someone must have brought him.
Blitzwing stood at the other side of the field, a small smile on his face. Starscream gently shoved Buster off and rolled onto his pedes. As he made his way to the front of the cell, Buster followed, running in circles around his pedes.
"Blitzwing," Starscream said.
"Hello, Starscream," Blitzwing said.
He stepped into the cell, hunching to pet Buster.
"I thought you would appreciate seeing each other again," Blitzwing said. "He missed you."
"I'm sure he did," Starscream said.
Buster settled at Starscream's side, tail wagging.
"Why are you here?" Starscream asked.
"For the exact reason I said," Blitzwing said. "But I did want to talk with you. How are you?"
How was he supposed to answer that? He was too tired to pull any angles.
"I'm fine."
Blitzwing hummed. His lips pulled into a thin line. "We are working to get you free. Being locked in a cell like this is not good for anyone."
Starscream reached down to stroke Buster's head, fighting a cringe as the dog licked his hand unexpectedly. "How is that going?"
"You will be free," Blitzwing said, voice hardening. "I promise."
What kind of freedom was being under the thumb of the Autobots?
Blitzwing sighed. "You missed a lot while you were away."
Buster looked up at Starscream with wide doggy eyes. Starscream stared back.
"What exactly did I miss?" He asked.
"I left when you did. I trust Soundwave, but I did not like how it all turned out. I liked you as our leader. You were not going to come back, so I went to the Autobots."
Blitzwing really liked him that much? Starscream mentally shook himself. Of course he did! He was Starscream!
"It was surprising to see Soundwave surrender. He and the Decepticons came here and laid down their weapons. They said they were tired of fighting. They were taken in with little hesitation."
Starscream scratched behind Buster's ear, rage beginning to simmer. Had he led the Decepticons to the Autobots, they would've been thrown in the brig. He would be exactly where he was right now. What did Soundwave have that he didn't?
Or, rather… what did he have that Soundwave didn't? The obvious answer was Megatron's ire.
"So, we're all here, then," Starscream said.
Blitzwing nodded. "All of us, now that they found you."
Starscream hummed.
"They searched for a long time," Blitzwing said. "The first thing Megatron asked Soundwave after everything started getting settled was where you were. There was a line the humans could call if they spotted you."
That explained the way the humans had reacted to him.
"They were really so desperate to find me?" Starscream said.
"Yes," Blitzwing said. "After the few who refused to follow Soundwave were captured, you were the only loose end left. The Autobots' human allies felt threatened by that."
"But they caught me, so there's nothing to feel threatened by now."
"They did," Blitzwing said. His face fell. "And yes, there should be nothing."
"So there is something."
Blitzwing looked away. "They are humans, and humans are full of fear, especially of us. Now they are worried about there being so many of us."
Starscream laughed. It was so very, very predictable. If Cybertronians actually cared about humans, then it would be a legitimate concern. But as it was, the Decepticons couldn't have cared less, and the Autobots only cared for the sake of peace. Even if either side gave a retrorat's tail, there were barely a thousand cybertronians on the planet overall, and well over seven billion humans. If those stupid organics could cooperate, they could eliminate the cybertronians through numbers and persistence like packs of ferrowolves overwhelmed cybermammoths.
"What are our grand leaders doing about this predicament?" Starscream said.
"They are trying talks, working with public relations humans, but… it is not an easy thing to fix."
Starscream hummed in amusement. Let other mecha juggle the impossible dilemmas for once. Primus knew they deserved it.
Blitzwing sighed. "It was simpler when we were all hiding."
So it was.
☆☆☆
The next time he was visited, it was Blitzwing again. Unlike before, where his voice was calm and cold, his words were soft as he called out.
"They're letting you out of the cell."
Blitzwing entered a sequence on the cell's control pad and the containment field disappeared completely. Immediately, Buster rushed through the field and jumped at Starscream. Careful not to injure the dog, Starscream rose.
"Out of the cell," Starscream said. "But not out of the base?"
Blitzwing shook his head, smiling. "Not free, just free-er."
Starscream laughed. Buster danced around his pedes as he walked out of the cell. When he went to take his first steps into the hall, he paused. The floor beneath was covered in sheets of metal. A thick seam divided it from the concrete floor of the cell.
"You're my guard, aren't you?" Starscream asked. "They wouldn't just let me wander."
Blitzwing's wings twitched. "Yeah. For now. If they get one of their fliers back from the other bases, I don't know how long they'll let me keep you."
"Then let's hope they don't."
Starscream didn't bother asking Blitzwing where they were going as he followed him through the halls. There was nowhere for Starscream to go, so what would've been the point? Scattered conversations traveled through the air as one of the hallways opened into the mess hall.
Mecha sat at tables and stood side by side. Starscream fought not to turn down the sensitivity on his audials, not wanting to miss anything important if Blitzwing spoke. Still, the voices were chaotic, floor and chairs clanging as mecha shifted in their seats. It was nothing like the predictable hum of machinery in a lab or even his cell.
Blitzwing led him to the energeon dispenser and got two cubes, handing one of them to Starscream. He took it and they both sat at an abandoned table in the corner of the room. Buster scrambled at the side of one of the seats, paws slipping. Starscream boosted him onto the seat with his palm.
Buster barked happily, tongue hanging out of his mouth as he panted from the ordeal that was climbing onto a cybertronian-sized seat as a creature barely the size of a mech's palm. Starscream tried not to laugh. Blitzwing, on the other hand, had no qualms with letting out a quiet chuckle.
Starscream drank his cube, reminding himself yet again that he wasn't going to run out. The small group sat in relative quiet for a few moments.
"No friends to sit with us?" Starscream asked. "Or did I scare them off?"
Blitzwing shook his head, placing his cube on the table. "Not many mecha want to be around me if they have the choice."
A few tables away, Skywarp popped in beside Nova Storm. The latter startled, then slipped an arm around Skywarp as she recognized her. She talked animatedly, nearly spilling her cube as she gestured.
Perhaps he and Blitzwing had more in common than Starscream thought.
"Why don't they?" Starscream asked.
Starscream knew the answer for his own loneliness, though he refused to acknowledge it out loud. In many respects, Megatron was correct about him. He was about as safe to be around as a rabid turbofox, and nearly as unpleasant.
"I'm unpredictable," Blitzwing said. "My… aspects startle them."
"Aspects?"
It was fairly obvious that Blitzwing was referring to his capricious nature, but to have a name for it…
Blitzwing leaned closer to him, speaking quietly. "If I explain this, do you promise not to tell anyone? They'll call me a freak."
Other mecha already called Blitzwing a freak, but for the sake of the conversation, that didn't matter. Starscream nodded.
"I'm not a single mech," Blitzwing said. "There is no Blitzwing, but it's easier to just be Blitzwing. We… work together as Blitzwing."
Multiple mecha in a single body? It was something he'd only heard in stories. Starscream put aside his disbelief. Even if Blitzwing were lying, what would he have to gain? Starscream couldn't risk alienating one of his few allies.
"Who are you, then?" Starscream asked.
Blitzwing—one of his aspects—stared down at the table. "I'm Popshot. The one you talked to after you saved Icebeam."
"And who is Icebeam?"
"The one that came to see you when you were in the cell."
Starscream was very familiar with Icebeam, then. Suddenly, all of it made sense. Blitzwing's strange moods and changes in speech pattern weren't because he was malfunctioning—they were different mecha. So, then…
"And the third one? The one I fought beside?" Starscream asked.
"Flamecrash," Popshot said. "She doesn't care much for everyday things, so she usually only takes over when we fight."
Starscream hummed. "So, how should I address you?"
Popshot paused for a moment, optics growing distant. Starscream drummed his fingers against the table. Was Popshot speaking with the others?
"In public? Just Blitzwing," Popshot said. "In private, you can use our names."
Starscream grinned. "Thank you for sharing this with me, Popshot."
There was no tactical advantage Starscream could glean from this for himself or for Blitzwing's aspects, yet his spark warmed in the same way it did after he learned a new secret he could use to overthrow Megatron. He basked in the feeling, soaking it up.
Then, a sudden pain shot through his arm. Energeon splashed on the floor as he dropped his cube. He gripped his arm with his other, dentae aching as his mind begged him to bite. He couldn't do that here—not now, not in front of Popshot and all of the mecha in the mess hall.
Beside him, Popshot froze. His optics dimmed for a moment, then his surprised face was replaced with one of determination.
"What is happening?" Icebeam asked.
"My arm," Starscream muttered.
Icebeam moved to place an arm around Starscream. He paused just before he could, optics scanning Starscream's face. Starscream pushed himself off of the table, hand immediately returning to the hurt arm after he steadied himself.
"Let us go to the medbay," Icebeam said. "Knock Out should be there, if that is what you prefer."
Starscream paid little attention to the journey. He clenched his jaw until it creaked, desperate not to give in. Then, finally, they arrived.
Knock Out looked up from the tools he was polishing. "What is it this time?"
"My arm," Starscream said as Knock Out approached.
Knock Out pried Starscream's hand away from his arm gently and tested the range of motion. The movement didn't change the pain, and Starscream told him as such. Knock Out just sighed and moved on to prodding specific areas of his arm, which also yielded little response.
"I have a guess," Knock Out said. "But I'll need a sample from your lines."
"Whatever it takes," Starscream muttered.
Knock Out took the sample, placing the needle of a syringe deftly between the seams of Starscream's elbow. Then, he placed the sample into a centrifuge.
"Sit," he said, motioning to the medical berths in the room. "We'll have our answers soon."
Moments passed by. The machine beeped and Knock Out removed the sample, then placed it on a slide. He viewed the slide under a microscope with a displeased hum. Then, he turned to face the other two mecha.
"Just what I thought," he said. "More crystals in your lines."
Before Starscream could ask anything, Knock Out continued.
"No, I won't need to flush them this time. Yes, this will likely happen again. I'll analyze the components of the crystals so we can figure out what you need to avoid, but for now—" Knock Out reached into a nearby cabinet and pulled out a small jar. "I'll get you something more general-purpose and we'll see if it can help."
As Knock Out prepared the medication, Starscream finally had time to speak.
"Why is this happening?" He asked.
Knock Out shrugged. "Could be the starvation. Could be lasting effects from something you had during your time alone. Could just be that you process things a little differently and it's only starting to have a noticeable effect now. Fifty percent of mecha that get crystals once get them again."
Lovely. Just. Lovely.
Knock Out finished preparing the medication and offered it to Starscream. "There. Take this once a day with energeon. The amount is written on the bottle."
Starscream took the bottle from him, irritation crawling through his plating. Of course, of all the things…
Didn't he have enough to worry about?
Suddenly, the idea of biting his own plating off seemed a lot more appealing. Starscream said his goodbyes and walked into the hall. Icebeam followed after him.
"Take me wherever I can be alone," Starscream said.
Icebeam nodded and led him to a room.
"This is yours," Icebeam said. "It locks automatically. If you want to go anywhere, ping us."
Starscream nodded and stepped into the room. The door slid shut behind him, the lock clicking. For the first time in a long time, Starscream had an actual berth. He flopped onto it as his plating crawled.
Just once, he told himself, sinking his dentae into his plating. Just this time.
Sunken teeth soon became gnawing teeth, powerful enough to scrape paint but not enough to draw energeon. He marred the beautiful paint job Knock Out had applied so recently, drawing shame forward that just fueled him further. There was so way for him to creep out of his own body, so this was the next best thing—the only thing—he could do.
When he finished, jaw and dentae aching in a new and typical way, he curled up, shoving his face into his arms. Every loss of control, however small, was yet another black mark on the disaster that was his existence. Knock Out's kind words from before shoved themselves to the front of his processor.
He wasn't alone. He could stop this horrid cycle of shame.
But who would ever see him like this and not be disgusted?