fanfiction.lol^{fun, silly, low-stakes fandom}

Chapter Text

Dave could hardly hear himself think. Everyone was gathered in the auditorium yammering on and not even paying attention to where he was on the stage at all. As the appointed MC (and DJ, but his ill beats weren’t scheduled until a bit later) for their halloween bash, he was on a bit of a schedule to make sure that everything went along smoothly. Time was Dave’s thing after all, so if he were the one appointing himself, he would expect nothing less. Dave tapped the mic, hearing a bit of feedback through the speakers. Yeah, no. Even Sollux, who was off in the corner on his gamegrub or whatever, hadn’t looked up from his *ever so absorbing* game. Typical. Time to get the big guns out.

Dave: HEY

Okay, that seemed to get everyone to focus.

Dave: all right everyone

Dave: lets get this show on the road

Dave: pedal to the metal and all that

Dave: because were all about family here

Dave: but like any good family theres no harm with some competition

Dave: or gumption as the case may be

Yeah... looking into the crowd now Dave could see some of them losing interest. Silently cursing his mouth under his breath, he tapped the mic again.

Dave: ok talk times on pause

Dave: stopping that like a dime bouncing of a puppet ass

Dave: going straight out one second and back towards you the next

Dave: just like were all going back to the next thing on the schedule

Dave: which is

For a moment, Dave paused to catch his breath, looking around at his audience to gague attention; his plan seemed to be working. He made a big show of turning his notes over before getting on to the next big event of the night.

Dave: the costume contest

Dave: i hope you remembered to bring something better than charlie brown

Dave: god damn im already feeling bad for him

Dave: nothing but a bag of rocks to show for all his trouble

He cleared his throat before he got too offtrack. Maybe he should have gotten Terezi to assist with the mic and keep him on track. But John *had* wanted him to do this... It’s fine. It’s always fine. Just gotta keep going on, as they say. That’s what cool dudes like himself do all the time after all; Ain’t nobody gonna keep this cool dude down for long. Smiling, Dave continued.

Dave: ok back to buisness

Dave: like a particularly wealthy ceo waltzing back into the office

Dave: everyones like

Dave: hey boss we need to make some budget cuts

Dave: and then you know hes going to start complaining about obama

Dave: everything was good under obama

Dave: ok besides obama

Dave: contest starts in 30

Dave: get your bread and circus together and your ducks in a row

Dave: because its about to be a real zoo in here

Giving a thumbs up over to Rose, Dave saw her turn the lights back on from the side before walking back over to where Kanaya and Vriska were chatting. Looking around further, it seemed that everyone was already in their groups: Jade, Tavros, and Feferi seemed to be hanging out near the food, with Jane and Terezi helping serve them and presumably share how they put everything together. Once again, Dave was thankful that they had such a masterful chef with them (even if she preferred baking over cooking as a whole). He didn’t understand why Jane had let Terezi help, given her propensity towards inedible red objects, but Jane was super smart and observant, so nothing bad got past her watchful eyes. Hopefully. Gamzee was also nearby, currently eyeing Tavros as he idily ate some chips and salsa. Dave didn’t like the troll, but he wasn’t causing any issues, so he decided to look elsewhere.

Standing in front of the stage itself, Dave spotted John, Feferi, Aradia, and Jake chatting. Of course, the background din was gradually rising back to where it had been pre-announcement, but he could still see the smiles on everyones’ faces, showing that they were all having a good time with one another. Idily, Dave wondered what they were talking about, but it’s not like him knowing would really change anything given that he’s supposed to be the Main Dude™ for the Halloween party — or at least that’s what he decided on after a moment. To their side, Roxy and Nepeta had both cornered Eridan and were doing something to him as Equius held him carefully. Poor dude. Knowing Equius’ hyperhidrosis, he would probably smell like a horse for weeks. Dave made a mental note to check in with the seadweller after everything had concluded.

Finally, Dave turned his attention back to the wall where he had noticed Sollux earlier. Apparently, Karkat and Dirk were now trying to converse with him, but from where Dave was, all it looked like was Karkat getting angry at Sollux while the latter brushed the former off, complete with Dirk there to try and keep the situation from becoming too heated.

In all honesty, Dave had worried that Dirk would decide not to come to the Halloween party at all. He was a busy dude, after all. And besides, that breakup with Jake? Dave wouldn’t wish that on anyone; messy on all sides. At least he seemed to be enjoying himself.

Now sure that everyone was having a good time, Dave waltzed off the stage to try and get his own costume together. He wasn’t expecting that he would get the most votes (that honor would probably go to Kanaya with her excellent fashion sense), but the whole event was for fun moreso than anything else. Taking one last look at the auditorium before leaving, he noticed Nepeta looking towards him with an obvious wink that you could probably see from space. Whatever she had planned, Dave knew that it was going to be something big. A bit worried now, Dave stepped out quickly and retrieved his costume, not sure what to expect on his return in the slightest.

Chapter Text

Dave quickly speedwalked back to the auditorium, hoping that stepping out to get his Dogg on wouldn’t change much about the situation. If there was one thing he knew about Nepeta, it was that once one of her plans was in motion, it was really hard to steer her energy to something else. In part, her overbearing tendencies had been part of the reason why Dave hadn’t gotten too close to her, though they did roleplay on occasion. Maybe it had something to do with her being a heart player?

Dave buttoned up his jacket as he approached the door, slowing down a tad so as to better listen to the inside. Everything seemed fine... but something felt off nonetheless. Dave reached towards the handle and slowly opened the door, not quite sure what he would find on the other side.

Before Dave could react, something tackled him to the ground.

Dave: hfffffffghh

Nepeta: >:33 < *ac welcomes mew back with one of her signatfure tackle pawnces*

Dave: nepeta youre squishing me

Nepeta: >:33 < *ac responds by asking akwete purrmusk what he purrlans to do about it exactly*

Dave: get offff

Pushing the smirking Nepeta to the side, Dave looked around; everyone had changed into their costumes. Well, guess that means that the next best course of action is pretty obvious. Walking back over to the stage, he motioned Rose once again to turn the lights back down. Taking one last glance over everyone from his vantage point, Dave picked up the mic once more.

Dave: yo

Luckily, this time everyone already seemed to know that Dave was about to speak, so everyone already had their attention on him. Dave held up a hand in a partial wave before dropping it by his side and continuing.

Dave: costume contest time

Dave: i hope yall got your garb ready

Dave: all ironed out but without the fire

Dave: unless you are fire i suppose

Dave: but anyways

Dave: heres the angle of attack

Catching his breath for a moment, Dave held up three fingers.

Dave: one

Dave: i draw a name and that person waltzes up here and shows what theyre about

Dave: two

Dave: after everyones shown themselves off

Dave: everyone will then come up here and grab an index card

Dave: youre basically going to vote for your three favorites

Dave: however

Dave: dont vote for yourself because thats not as fun

Dave: side note

Dave: dont pick based on how well you know the person

Dave: this aint a popularity contest

Dave: vriska

Immediately, Dave faked a cough. He could see Vriska boreing holes into the back of his skull. Sometimes his mouth was more of a curse than a blessing.

Dave: ok moving on

Dave: three

Dave: i reveal the votes and we find who won

Dave: as for winnings

Dave: bragging rights

Dave: any questions

Besides Vriska still doing her best to (probably) mind control Dave into jumping off the stage and breaking both his legs, Dave saw that nobody seemed to have anything to ask. Awesome. Uncaptchaloging the bag of names (2 + 1 + 2 + 1 + 2 + 2 + 1 + 2 + 1 + 2 = 16 % 10 = 6), Dave shook it around a few times. Then, he reached inside to grab one of the papers.

Oh great. Of course Dave drew her first. I mean, why wouldn’t he? Not letting his annoyance show, Dave held the name up.

Dave: vriska is our lucky first contestant

Dave: why dont you show us what youre made of

No sooner than Dave had finished talking, Vriska lept onto the stage and pushed him to the side, taking the mic for herself; not hard enough to shove him completely off (something Dave knew she was more than capable of), but hard enough to show that she was a little displeased with his slip-up. Great.

Vriska: Okay. Now that that a8solute 8orefest is out of the way, time to get the real party started! I’m dressed as the aaaaaaaamazing spidergwenda and, if you dont vote for me, you’re a sucker!!!!!!!! No idea why Dork or whatever was chosen instead of me, 8ecause im the 8est choice for MC, 8ar none. Pchoooooooo ;;;;)

Here, Vriska mimed shooting out webs from her hands as Dave did everything in his power not to facepalm, or otherwise shove her off the stage and get to the next person. It was going to be a very, *very* long night.

• ✦•〰〰〰〰〰〰•✦•✦•〰〰〰〰〰〰•✦•

Dave: okay

Dave: thank you jake

Dave: though i really could have gone through my whole life without seeing

Dave: whatever that was

Jake: *adjusts loincloth* It was my interpretation of a na’vi—

Dave: also

Dave: please put some pants on

Jake: :(

With a massive sigh (and possibly new blue-colored trauma), Dave drew out the next name.

Dave: eridan as dr strangelove

Dave: from

Dave: shit

Dave: can i just use the human film name

Dave: is that allowed

Karkat: IT WOULD BE FUCKING DISRESPECTFUL TO THE ALTERNIAN FILM INDUSTRY YOU NOOKSNIFFING TWAT.

Dave: ok so im just going to go with the human film name because im not reading off 2000 words just to introduce something

Dave: so dr strangelove from dr strangelove or how i learned to stop worrying and love the atomic bomb

Dave: thats really the human title

Looking towards John, Dave saw a massive thumbs up. Ok, whatever; the troll title was probably way worse than he had originally thought in that case.

Eridan: can wwe get this over wwith

Eridan: PLEASE

Dave: oh youre on stage already

Dave: wait

Dave: isnt that film about the cold war or something

Dave: or whatever the troll equivalent of the cold war was

Dave: also why are you a girl

Terezi: OH MY GOG D4V3 YOU C4NT JUST 4SK P3OPL3 WHY TH3YR3 A G1RL >:/

Eridan: dvv ivve been through the horrors an i REALLY dont wwanna talk about it

Well, this was definitely unexpected. Dave watched as Eridan crossed his arms and blushed a deep violet. Instead of a formal 60s-era suit and tie with sunglasses, in front of him was a seadweller wearing a long white dress with a leather jacket; somehow, his hair had even been lengthened and braided into a high ponytail. Taking the scene in, Dave was unsure as to how he would continue the costume contest; they still had a few people to get through, after all. Awkwardly, Dave opened his mouth and managed to stop himself from saying anything stupid by closing it. Suddenly, nepeta lept up onto the stage.

Nepeta: :33 < *ac announces that ampurras purrevious costume was just so serious and dull*

Nepeta: :DD < *and she simpawly had to step in to help!!!*

At this moment, both of them noticed Eridan trying his hardest to sneak away backstage, but he didn’t get very far before he tripped over the hem of the dress with his heels, obviously because he had never worn that type of shoe before. Poor dude.

Dave: nepeta

Dave: you cant just force someone into a costume they didnt want to wear

Nepeta: :,<< < but he likes it!!!

Dave: yeah no

Dave: give him his original outfit back or so help me

Nepeta: :33 < roxy alpurready voided it

Dave: well aint that convenient

Roxy: no its true

Roxy: the outfit was genuinely rlly RLLY bad tho

Dave: ok im disqualifying both of your costumes for meddling

Roxy: hey! i worked hard on my hormini outfit!

Roxy: *hermione

Nepeta: >:// < *ac worked fur w33ks getting this purrbeast suit stitched togethfur*

Nepeta: >:00 < are mew even allowed to do that???

Dave: well i asked the person in charge

Dave: which would be me

Dave: and he said yes

Dave: so yes

Nepeta: :// < mewre just jealous that mew—

Equius: D --> Nepeta

Equius: D --> I am STRONGly dissapointed in your una%eptable actions towards the highb100d

Nepeta: :<< < but—

Equius: D --> Nepeta i am afraid that i must command that you come off the stage to c001 off

Equius: D --> You will not refuse

Nepeta: >XPP < blehhh

Equius: D --> Nepeta

Equius: D --> This uncolth behavior is beneath you

Equius: D --> I

Equius: D --> I need you to come with me

Taking nepeta’s hand very gently, the now violently sweating blueblood led her out of the auditorium, much to Dave’s relief.

Roxy: ill

Roxy: uhh

Roxy: just sit down rq

• ✦•〰〰〰〰〰〰•✦•✦•〰〰〰〰〰〰•✦•

After what seemed like an eternity, everyone’s performances were finally finished. Brushing himself off from where he was seated, Dave counted up the votes: Rose and Dirk were both tied for first place with 6 votes each, and second place was tied between John, Vriska, and Equius.

Dave: ok everyone

Dave: id love to announce a winner

Dave: but we need a tiebreaker vote

After waiting a second for the murmurings to go back down, he continued.

Dave: now, youre just going to pick your top two

Dave: not three

Dave: but

Dave: pick between john rose dirk vriska—

Vriska: YES!!!!!!!!

Dave: vriska and equius

Dave: anyone else feel like interrupting

Roxy: should i grab nepeta and equius? theyre missing out on voting

Dave: im sure theyre fine

Dave: but sure if you want to

Dave saw Roxy get up from her spot next to Jane and Terezi and walk out. It was probably better to have them in the room to vote, anyways.

• ✦•〰〰〰〰〰〰•✦•✦•〰〰〰〰〰〰•✦•

Nepeta and Equius had both opted not to come back, but Roxy had gotten both their choices, thankfully (apparently Nepeta had wanted to vote for Equius twice). Well, Dave was just relieved that whatever that was seemed to be over and done with. Taking in a breath, he announced the final tally;

Dave: ok so

Dave: im going to announce the top 3 from least to most

Dave: brace yourselves like that dog did in armageddon when the meteors hit

Dave: little fucker was left hanging by his leash

Dave: im still amazed that he didnt die there or blow up or some other thing

Dave: well lets get back to it

Pushing his aviators back up his nose, dave got out the final tally sheet.

Dave: lets see here

Dave: for third place

Dave: we have

Dave: dirk as kamina from gurren lagann

Dirk stood up from where he was seated and flashed a thumbs up with a nod of approval, causing his glasses to shine under the light.

Dave: ok

Dave: second place

Dave: we have

Dave: john as cameron poe from con air

John: thanks everyone! i just wanted to say that i put a lot of work into this and im really proud of what i was able to accomplish, so this really means a lot to me.

John: ok dave, back to you :)

Dave: now that thats revealed

Dave: i suppose its finally time to reveal the third name

Dave: probably

Dave: though it might be better to build up some suspense

Dave: keep the people guessing

Dave: and whatnot

Vriska: Oh just 8ut with it 8lr8ady!!!!!!!!

Dave: ugh fine

Dave: first place is rose as sabrina spellman from sabrina the teenage witch

Vriska: WH8—

Vriska’s outburst was cut off with nearly everyone else cheering Rose on and congratulating her. Truth to be told, Dave had honestly been amazed at how much she looked like the character, so she definitely deserved it; having a girlfriend who was good at designing outfits probably helped a lot as well. Speaking of, Kanaya leaned over to Rose and kissed her, causing the latter to blush profusely.

All’s well that ends well, Dave supposed.