Chapter Text
Nico woke up to a sting on his arm. It didn't hurt too bad, but bad enough for him to reach out with his hand in reflex. He watched as an impressively sized spider crawled out between his fingers and scuttled off over the side of the bed. He could barely make it out in the darkness, only recognizing it by the leggy movements. It disappeared out of sight. Nico hadn't realized how unsettled he was until it did.
Was it the spider? No. He had nothing against spiders.
He ran his fingers over the now slightly sore spot on his lower arm, hardly aware of the feeling. His thoughts were racing. Why, though? Everything was fine. More than fine. For the first time in what felt like forever things were actually great.
His breathing sped up. He rolled onto his back, trying to get it back under control. If everything was great, why did everything feel so wrong?!
His thoughts sped up even more, too fast to keep track of any of them. They turned to fears, all of his deepest fears. Every bad memory he had flashed before his eyes. He closed them to ward the images off, it just made them even more real.
Going through all of the worst times in his life was bad, but not close to the worst. No. Worse was, he’d been to blame for all of them. He was the sole reason for everything that had gone wrong in his life. Somehow, he always managed to find a way to ruin things.
He quickly opened his eyes back up and cracked his head to the side. Through all the turmoil he still managed to take in the silhouette of Logan’s back. More memories submerged Nico, not letting him up for air, drowning him. Older ones. Of another night. Another silhouette in the dark.
A huge realization crushed all the other fears and panicked thoughts. Something far worse than any of them… I don’t just ruin everything for myself…
He needed to get away from here. At least for a bit… He tossed himself onto his feet. It was hard to stay upright, as they’d gone completely numb. Just pins and needles. By some kind of miracle, he managed to get away. Hopefully quietly, he couldn’t hear anything over the sound of his heart. He was almost grateful for it, it distracted from everything else.
Well, not everything. Another realization hit him. Maybe even bigger and harder to swallow than the last one. One he probably had secretly known all along… I can’t do this…
He put his hands down onto the table to steady himself. Still just pins and needles…
He crudely slid a torn, empty envelope under his eyes. The pen on top of it almost rolled off the table because of the force he never meant to put behind it. He slammed it in place with the palm of his hand, then crushed it between his fingers. His hand almost shook too much to write. He grabbed his wrist with his other hand and squeezed as tight as he could. With a painful, dry swallow, he started writing.
What he wrote down slowly managed to form the one word that kept repeating in his head, over, and over, and over. The handwriting was crude and shaky, but clear enough.
SORRY
A tear fell on the paper, running some of the ink a bit. He pulled back like an electric shock went through him.
The thoughts were relentless. Writing it down had just made the word louder. Faster. His breathing was so hard and so fast his throat hurt. It felt like his heart was going to break his ribs. His left arm started to tingle. It spread to his chest. He grabbed at his ribs as they felt like they turned inwards. Then almost collapsed when the light in the hallway suddenly turned on.
Fuck! He needed to get out of here. Fast.
Through the hurricane raging in his head, he managed to catch the thought to grab his coat and bag. His hands barely managed to before the shadows grabbed him.
He had no idea where they led him.
He didn't care either.
Not bothering trying to stay upright, he let himself fall. After hitting the ground, he rolled onto his back and caught his breath. It kept trying to escape, no matter how hard he pushed down on his chest. He shoved his hands into his face instead.
What the hell did I just do?!
He pulled his knees up a little with his arms and sobbed. When he finally felt dead enough, he moved. That had taken a while.
The sun had come up to find him at some point, trying to burn him alive with its glare. Unable to face it, he got up and turned his back on it in shame. He tried walking as far away from it as possible, only taking breaks when he cried too hard to see where he was going. Even without looking at it directly, he could tell the sun had started to set again.
Logan had found out ages ago, he knew that. He thought not hearing anything had been the worst. He was wrong.
His blood ran cold when his phone buzzed. He didn't dare move and reminded himself to breathe. The nerves got so bad they almost hurt. They did hurt. All his muscles contracted.
He pulled out his phone. It was hard to do, almost being unable to feel it. He took a deep breath as he opened it.
Yep, it was Logan. He debated backing out. Then didn't. He had to know.
[you should have at least told me to my face].
Nico felt too many things to actually feel them. He went completely numb as he stared at the words for what felt like seconds, but could have been hours. His eyes clenched shut while he repeated them in his head. He could imagine a million different ways Logan could have said them if he'd been able to hear it. Each of them ripped his heart open a little more.
He thought about replying. What would he even say? What could he even possibly say?
He closed his phone. The regret and guilt hadn't really hit him until he did. He'd gotten to know those feelings very well the past hours, but they came in waves. This wave knocked him off his feet. He knelt down where he stood and put his face in his hands. A sound came out of him. Not one he recognized. He sat there for a while. His chest and his head hurt. He noticed his hands were wet. He hadn't even realized he was crying. Slowly scrambling to his feet, he took a few deep breaths.
He walked on, thankfully numb again.
At some point he’d reached some form of civilization. He crashed onto a bench and looked up at the sky. A warm, pleasant breeze greeted him. The sun, thankfully, hid behind a herd of white, fluffy clouds. What a horribly, disgustingly, normal day… People walked around going about their usual business. It should honestly be illegal.
Someone sat down next to him, popping his bubble for a second. He glanced over. The elderly lady’s friendly smile evaporated instantly leaving a mildly horrified expression. She gave him a nervous nod before quickly getting up and scurrying off.
He narrowed his eyes. Damn right you do! He leaned down, hiding his face in his hands, and let out a wet sounding sigh.
His thoughts wandered, then tangled. Nothing made sense. Nothing was helpful. There was no way to fix this.
He wished he’d never met Logan. His heart stopped, his heart wrenched. What an absolutely evil thing to think… None of this was Logan’s fault. If anything he wished Logan had never met him… It was all on him. It was always him. He was going to be stuck with himself forever. Torturing himself till the day he died…
Something popped up. Something dark.
His fingers dug in his face. No. He wasn’t going there. Then of course, he did anyway. He always did, after all.
Nico could imagine hundreds of ways. Vividly. Like the countless times he’d done before. He knew how he’d do it. It would be so easy. Sure, there was no guarantee. Not on the first try… But winners don’t quit right?
He smiled to himself.
None of this would matter anymore. Nothing would matter anymore. Everything would finally be over. He could leave it all behind. Nobody could stop him. It felt so reassuring… Soothing. The desire was so strong.
He exhaled long and deep. His smile evaporated.
But… He couldn’t, anyway. Not like this. Not over a breakup. Not again… It wouldn’t be fair… Even if he’d ruined everything. He knew that would still hurt… All he ever did was hurt people… Not because he wanted to, but because somehow he couldn't figure how not to. Doomed to keep making the same mistakes over and over. Never able to learn. Never able to get better.
How did other people do that? How come everyone else seemed to know how to do this? How to be happy, how to be functional? Other people always seemed so far away somehow… It wasn’t them. They tried. There were plenty of people who had tried to reach him. They just couldn’t. He wouldn’t let them. Couldn’t let them. He wanted to. But the feeling of connection just wasn’t there. He didn’t understand them… And they didn’t understand him. Somehow he was just too different.
There was something so fundamentally wrong with him. It hadn’t always been. But he couldn’t remember what that had been like anymore. He sure as fuck didn’t know how to do that anymore.
Life felt like a fucking trap… And, man, was he trapped. He couldn’t imagine any kind of future where he’d feel any other way. He’d felt like this for so long… Not always this much, but always at least a little. He was so fucking tired…
He focussed on his breathing and shelved the thoughts. All the way in the deepest part of his mind, right back where they’d come from. The feeling lingered. It’d die down. It always did. Eventually… Ready to come flooding back at the smallest trigger.
At some point he’d stopped crying. When he sat back upright the sun had moved to the opposite side of the sky.
He needed to go eat something… Wash himself too… He willed himself to get up.
He went through the motions. Then kept going through the motions. Different time, different place, same motions. He repeated the same endless night over, and over and over for Gods know how long. Some days the motions were easier than others. Some days he skipped some. Overall, it didn’t get any better, but it didn’t get any worse… He thought? It’s not like he was really keeping track. He wondered if he’d get used to it. He wondered if he wanted to.
The sun started to come up, pushing him to step into the shadows for the millionth time. He couldn’t stand to see it. Not yet. It felt like he’d catch fire if he did.
He fell to his knees somewhere else. Somewhere far away. Most importantly, somewhere where the sun had gone down.
Good. He’d gotten lucky early this time.
He got to his feet and looked ahead. Rough waves crashed into the bright white, towering cliffs dividing land and sea. He walked along the edge. If he fell, he’d be done for… He stopped…
No. He’d promised he wouldn’t, and not entirely just to himself either. So, he actually needed to keep his word.
Still… He peered over the edge into the soaking, craggy abyss below. Just to see what he’d be missing out on. From all the way down, the abyss peered back into him, with two eyes that had haunted his subconscious ever since he'd first seen them. They were no longer covered by a mourning shroud nor long black hair, both whipping about her in the strong wind. Even from this far away her eyes had the same mesmerizing pull on him. They glowed in the moonlight like those of a nocturnal animal. A predator.
She took a step towards him, as far as the large, sharp rock she stood on allowed. Silently reaching both hands up to him, she offered to catch him. The rocky whirlpools around her thrashed invitingly, almost like they too were reaching for him.
He stayed put. But, he couldn’t help it... He imagined what it would be like. What it would be like if he didn’t die on impact. He couldn’t bring himself to care this time.
For a couple of seconds he didn’t care about anything, or anyone. He remembered what that was like very well. He’d felt that way a few times before. Once, it had actually managed to lure him over the edge.
Not this time.
He shook his head.
Oyzis slowly lowered her hands, clasping onto her upper arms for comfort. She closed her eyes, wailing low and melancholic together with the wind. A large wave crashed over her, dragging her into the depths of the ocean and leaving no trace.
He took a few steps back and kept walking, and walking.
His phone buzzed. Right. He'd actually charged it for the first time in… How long? He hadn’t looked at it since the day he left.
He let it buzz. It kept going. That was fine. He'd gotten used to it already.
It stopped. He took a deep breath and looked up at the stars. One caught his eye, smaller and dimmer than the rest, far apart from all the others-!
He grabbed his face in exasperation when his phone immediately started buzzing again. Guilt turned to rage and immediately back to guilt again. He dropped down onto the rocky ground. He snapped his phone open with both hands, almost breaking it in half.
Forty seven missed calls from Hazel. The dates didn’t mean anything to him right now. Guess he had been off the grid for longer than he'd realized. Or she was really, really worried. Probably both… Sorry sis…
He glanced underneath the small text box, at another one. One missed call from-!
He almost snapped it back shut.
No. You don't get to do that. Time to man up. He called back. His call got picked up after the first ring. Not nearly enough time to mentally prepare himself.
Hazel's voice was so panicked he couldn't make out what she was saying. He was so panicked he couldn't say anything. He just held the phone, shaking, trying to breathe. He heard Hazel do the same for a while.
“Please… Come over!” she begged, excruciatingly desperate.
Sorry. I can't right now. He took a deep breath willing himself to speak. “Yeah. Alright.” he answered. He hadn't heard his own voice in a long time. He still hadn't. This was nothing like it.
Hazel whimpered into his ear. He hung up and folded his arms over his knees and bent down onto them, sobbing pathetically. Rightfully so.
Was he really gonna go over?
Of course he was! He had to…!
He couldn’t though… No. None of that disgusting self pity. Not right now. He didn't deserve it. And he couldn't do that to her. Not after everything he'd already done-!
Something pecked his hand, painfully hard. He turned to a large white dove standing next to him. It cocked its head and side eyed him with a vapid, yet stern look. Neither of them moved. Then it pecked his coat pocket. He rummaged through it.
With a pause in his breath he grazed the cigarette butt with his hand. With the sudden pain he felt, it might as well still have been lit. He hadn't even realized he'd kept it… He probably shouldn't anymore. He probably wasn't allowed to… He tried to talk some sense into himself. What do you mean not allowed to? It was trash… You throw trash out. It's normal.
He held onto it.
He let go of it. He'd throw it out later.
Nico pulled out the small thin object behind it. The dove and him both took in the sight of the envelope. Depending on whose perspective, it was either very small or very large. He turned it around. It was sealed with a lipstick kiss. That had to be Aphrodite… He opened it, the wind wafted the strong scent of roses in his face as he held up the letter.
Chers Crétins,
I need to have a word with you two.
Meet me in the back of the main hall at camp Half Blood tomorrow night.
Wear Something nice.
Can’t wait to see you...
Aphrodite
He needed to read it countless times for it to actually sink in. Fuck… How long had it been? Weeks? He wasn’t actually going to go, right?
The thought of letting Logan face Aphrodite alone slowly ripped his heart in half. He couldn’t decide which half to go with, both options seeming equally horrible in the panicked state of his mind.
The dove took off, taking Nico’s train of thought with it. He watched it float off into the full moon, like a small ghost going into the light of the afterlife.
He got up and dragged himself back into the shadows.
He fell out in a familiar hallway in front of an even more familiar apartment door. He pulled himself up somehow. The door stared at him apathetically. He couldn't even knock, just pressing his hand to the door with a single loud slam. He was already sobbing again when it hastily flung open.
He let himself be pulled inside.
Despite the bright sun trying to break in through the windows, the weather inside was rainy. It absolutely poured at first, finally settling down to a drizzle over hours and hours, after the hardest words had been spoken and the tightest hugs had been squeezed. Once he managed to calm down enough to sleep, it was mostly just very, very foggy.
The weather in his head stayed foggy all the way until the next day, through the final, tightest hug of all. After all the last apologies and thank yous, he promised her he’d be back soon, hand over his heart this time.
Feeling some small raindrops, warning of another turn in the weather, he quickly sheltered in the shadows.
They took him all the way to the middle of camp. Not exactly as precise as he usually was, but close enough.
He looked around to orient himself. Someone caught his eye over in the distance. Someone he didn’t think would ever want to see him again...
He tensed up, then took a deep breath and prepared himself. It was time… He kept walking, despite losing all feeling in his legs.
He stopped right behind two familiar shoulders, looking down at even more familiar blonde hair.
“Hi, Will… Sorry to interrupt… And to barge in so out of the blue, but… Can we talk?” he interrupted.
All the kids in the circle, and Will’s charming female colleague stared at them in silence as Will stopped tuning his guitar. He turned to face Nico with a confused smile. His eyes went wide and his smile turned even more confused as he recognized him. He opened his mouth to say something, interrupting himself by pulling a guitar string in half with a loud doink.
“Hi… Nico!” He said loudly, but breathlessly.
The eyes of his female colleague went even larger than his, she quickly pulled her lips in a wide, toothy grimace that was probably supposed to be a smile.
Will quickly shoved the guitar in her hands. “Julia… Can you take over for a bit?” he asked, already getting up.
Julia nodded heavily, still grimacing politely.
Nico heard her address the kids with slightly intense excitement as he and Will made their way over to a place a little more private.
As usual, Will was more brave than him. “It’s good to see ya. Didn’t think we’d ever talk again” he said with a light, amused tone.
Nico would have bought it, were it not that he very clearly remembered Will’s southern accent kicking in when he was upset…
“Yeah, It's good to see you too… And… Me neither, honestly” he replied, no hint of lightness nor amusement. “I figured I should probably apologize to you. About… Well, everything”.
Will looked at him, puzzled and possibly a little touched. “Is that why you came here?” he asked, smiling knowingly.
Ha. Caught. Nico smiled back, shaking his head slowly. “No… You know me better than that…”.
Will smiled wider, even more knowingly.
Nico pushed himself a little. “You would have deserved that though… It would have been the least I could do…”.
Will’s smile died down a little, genuinely surprised, then it died down even further. “Kay… Well… before we get to all that… How are you doing?” he asked, the most knowingly.
Nico tried not to burst into tears on the spot. Fuck. “You first” he demanded, trying not to sound too cold.
Will humored him. “Oh, pretty swell, actually!” he said with genuine excitement. “I really love my job! My colleagues! The kids! Nothing to complain about” he summed up happily.
Nico smiled at him sincerely. “That’s great! I’m really glad to hear that”.
Will smiled back, then narrowed his eyes when Nico stayed silent. “Kay, time to fess up now” he pushed, slapping his hands together.
Nico nodded slowly. “Yeah… I’m not doing as well…” he breathed out.
Will hummed thoughtfully. “I doubt that’s about me either…” he pondered out loud.
Nico pursed his lips. “Oh, you’re part of it, actually. A small part, but still”.
Will hummed in clear intrigue. He plopped down on the grass and slapped the patch next to him. “That sounds like a story!” he mused.
Nico snorted and sat down. Will’s enthusiastic, expectant look met Nico’s polite, reluctant look in a silent stand off.
Nico broke first, he always did. “So… You know how I’m an irredeemable asshole?” he started.
Will took a deep, philosophical breath, pondering it deeply. “Hmmmnooo…?” he breathed out with a painfully reluctant look.
Nico clicked his tongue, mostly in amusement. “It’s not a test! It’s exposition, promise” he explained, ready to continue. Right… This is where it got really painful.“Alright, so. For the last few years… I’ve been pushing everyone away. Like I always do. And I’m miserable because of it. Like I always am. Nothing new there… Then I got called here last year on an assignment” he paused, gauging Will’s expression.
Will urged him on impatiently.
“I kinda… Met someone”. He swallowed nervously.
To his relief, Will looked excited. “Really?! Who?!” he asked happily.
“His name is Logan. You probably don’t-” Nico tried.
“Logan? Yan's friend? The Ares guy?... Him?!” Will rapidly fired all around him.
“Yep” Nico replied. “So you do know him?” he asked.
“Yes, I know him” Will replied intensely.
Nico drew in a sharp breath. “Wait, don't tell me you and him-”.
Will cut him off. “No! No way! That's not what I meant!” he gestured wildly. Then he looked up suddenly. “Well… There was this one time…”.
Nico's eyes went wide.
“No, I'm just kidding” Will chuckled. “He's not exactly my type now, is he? That was the point I was trying to make before… Back when we were kids he was even more of a-” he looked at Nico. “He was even less refined” he adjusted. “Didn't really think he'd be your type either…”.
Will pursed his lips and pulled at the grass. Then he let out a short laugh. “I mean, I woulda guessed you'd kill each other. You're an angsty loner~ He's a raging hooligan~”. Will moved his head side to side for emphasis. “You're both sort of scary, in your own ways… But, now that I think about it, that's probably also why it somewhat makes sense?”
Will looked pensive, then suddenly gave him an amused look. “Probably doesn't hurt that he's sorta good looking either”. He threw some grass at Nico.
“Yeah, yeah…” Nico huffed, swatting it off of him with fitting annoyance.
“No, but that’s so nice!” Will offered with loud excitement.
“Yeah! It was!” Nico replied, matching his excitement with a clear air of misery.
Will’s smile turned into a straight line. “Oh, boy” he muttered under his breath.
“Yeah…” Nico muttered back.
“So, how'd you mess it up?” Will threw at him with another, much smaller bundle of grass “What happened?”.
Nico sighed. He decided it was his turn to pull at the grass now. “Same thing that happened between us. Things got too real, so I ran away.” he muttered on.
“So what'd he do? Declare his undying love for you?” Will joked venomously.
Nico felt the memories and shame trickle down on him. “No…” he said glumly “I did”.
Will turned, staring at him. “Oh...” He responded coolly. “Not gonna lie, that stings a little…”. Will wrapped his arms around his knees. They stayed silent for a moment.
The moment turned into a while. Come on, Nico urged himself, time to grow up and clean up your act. “Will…” he started “I'm really sorry I hurt you”. He forced himself to look at his face.
“Don't be” Will shrugged with a genuine smile “I'm not. Not anymore at least”.
Will glanced over his shoulder, his eyes gleamed. Nico followed his gaze. He had to admit, Julia did look stunning in the glow of the fire. Nico smiled. Then he stapled his face back in a serious expression.
“I should have said it back” Nico continued.
Will looked at him.
“I did love you, you know that? I shouldn’t have been so scared to say it” Nico finished.
Will put his hand on his shoulder. “Thanks for telling me. That still means a lot to me”.
They smiled at each other.
Nico let out a relieved sigh. “Good. Should have told you that ages ago. Glad to have it off my chest too”.
Will laid down in the grass. “I was never crazy enough to keep up with you anyway” he teased.
Nico smirked in agreement.
Will turned to look up at him. “I know one person who might be though”.
Nico blinked down at him.
“You can still fix this. If you get over yourself and don't make the same mistake you did with me” Will said sternly.
Nico stared at him for a few seconds. A million thoughts raced through his mind. Will was probably right, but that was a lot easier said than-.
“Just talk to him!” Will almost yelled.
“Yeah! I got that! I was just thinking!” Nico replied with exasperation.
They glared at each other, then they cracked up. More memories trickled down on him. Warm ones this time. It was good to see Will again.
“Not like I have much of a choice, anyway. He's probably going to be here soon. Aphrodite is going to rip our hearts out in a bit. We… I fucked up her assignment” Nico complained.
Will pursed his lips. “Nah, I doubt that. Even she would get in trouble if she did that on camp grounds… And hey, at least you'll get to apologize to Logan. That's worth something. Exes love that shit. Take it from me!”.
Nico smiled to himself as he got up. He'd kinda missed Will's unbreakable positivity. Enough that he didn't have the heart to tell him how dead wrong he was, probably about all of it. Not that Nico had the right to complain about that.
Will got to his feet next to him, smiling at him with his eyes. Nico felt the scrutiny lurking behind them.
“See you got a new coat” Will noted, very casually.
Nico smiled painfully. “Yeah… But, I still have it” he assured. His smile turned even more painful, stabbed by guilt not once, but twice. “I’d offer to give it back… But, Hazel has grown really attached to it these past years… She probably even wears it to bed…”.
Will smiled back, not nearly as painfully.
Nico let out a relieved sigh, raising his hands in an offer. “I’ll pay you b-”.
Will groaned, giving Nico’s hands a very gentle, very offended smack away from him. “Nooo! I don’t want you to! And I wouldn’t have wanted it back anyway! It’s way too heavy for me” he complained loudly. His reassuring smile returned. “I like this one better, by the way”. He tugged on Nico’s sleeve. “A little different… In a good way”.
Before Nico had time to fully process, Will stuck out two hands, high and expectant. Nico froze for a second.
“If you don't hug me, I'm going to slap you with both of these~!” Will threatened, wiggling his hands gleefully. The twinkle in his eye showed he'd be pretty happy with either option.
Nico decided to go for the scariest option and embraced him. He braced himself for the giant, roaring wave of old feelings about to wash him away. It hit like a mighty glass of water. Ha… Yeah, this was fine. Very doable, at least.
Nico smiled to himself. “Thanks, Will. For everything” he squeezed into him before letting go.
“My pleasure! Good luck with cleaning up your mess!” Will wished sincerely, if a little amused. “Guess I’ll see you around sometime?” he added in a careful plea.
“Yeah!” Nico promised wholeheartedly.
They fell silent, then both stuck up a hand in an awkward goodbye. They turned away from each other and made their way back to their own lives. Completely separate, though not as nearly as torn apart as before.
All the relief from his meeting with Will fell down to the deepest pit of his stomach when he reached the entrance of the main hall.
Was he already in there? Did Nico hope so?
He pushed the door open with a shaky hand and forced his legs to take him inside. Everything was dark. The dozens of burning candles set out for a completely different mood than he knew he’d be in for… All tables were moved to the side, making for a large clearing in the middle of the main hall. Aphrodite laid on a red velvet spread in the centre, her back turned to him. Her black satin night gown and long hair curled out behind her, sparkling in the moonlight. The smell of roses hit him as he walked closer.
“Hello, Nicolo… Mon ange déchu…” she said coldly.
Crap. His birthname… That had to be bad.
She turned over dramatically to look at him, rolling onto her stomach. In one fluent motion she caught her chin on the back of her hands and curved her legs up. She started kicking the air playfully, her immaculate lipstick curved in a subtle scowl. The silence was tense.
She raised her eyebrow at him expectantly. Nico opened his mouth, not sure what to say.
She put up a stern finger, willing him to be quiet. “Don’t interrupt me” she warned.
Nico closed his mouth. He didn’t have the mental capacity to be annoyed at her right now.
She took in the sight in front of her. “You look terrible” she said quietly. “Heartbroken” she added painfully.
Nico bowed his head, not able to face her pity anymore. He didn’t really deserve it…
Aphrodite took her time to continue. “I’ve been my most patient the past two months” she said with displeasure.
He looked up in shock. Two months?! Had it really been that long?
“And it started off so well” she sighed, shaking her head mournfully. “Tell me. How do you think this quest is going so far?”.
He didn’t even really think about it. “Shouldn’t we wait for-?” he started to ask.
Aphrodite let out a short huff in disbelief, quickly covering her mouth. “Mon chéri, s'il vous plaît! You don’t actually believe he’s going to turn up, do you?”. She seemed genuine in her pitiful tone.
Nico swallowed. “I guess… I mostly hoped…” he managed.
She sighed. “You’re more of a hopeless romantic than even I am. No, he burned the letter without even opening it. The brute lit his cigarette with it. That boy sure knows how to get on my nerves!” she spat angrily.
Nico furrowed his brow. That couldn’t be right. Sure, in hindsight, it made perfect sense he wouldn’t show up. Logan wasn’t really the type to be motivated by punishment. Not even divine punishment apparently… But… “He quit smoking” Nico muttered, shaking his head a little in disbelief.
Aphrodite pursed her perfect lips. “For you… Am I right?” she asked quietly.
Nico stared at his feet. The buckles on his dress shoes stared back, equally dumbfounded.
Aphrodite sat up, hugging her knees. “Well” she said, seemingly trying to sound soothing. “It seems we have hit some… Irreconcilable differences”. She gave him a regretful smile. “Now, hear me. You came to face me, knowing full well what a mess you made. I am grateful for that. Just this once, I will be lenient. I will relieve you of your duty. Consider this quest over” she declared, waving her words over to him.
His mouth fell open a bit, maybe trying to catch them. That was genuinely kind of her. Not what he expected at all. But… “What about him?” he asked firmly.
Her eyes hardened a bit. She took a deep breath. “I’ll spare him too… Of course…” she stated with a deep sigh. It didn’t sound like she actually fully planned to before he asked, but he wasn’t in a position to hold that against her.
He thought hard about it. Why wasn’t this a relief? Well, he hadn’t really come here for the mission in the first place... And it’s not like he’d really given his heart a second thought. As far as he cared it had already been ripped out anyway.
She looked him over slowly. “I can see something weighing on your mind. What is your proposal, son of Hades?” she asked.
“Thank you for your kindness, my lady. Truly, I don’t deserve it… I know it’s the absolute least I can do, but I’ll deliver the news to my partner-. My ex-partner in person. I owe it to him… Not just that, actually” he concluded.
She smiled warmly. Her eyes gleamed in the moonlight. “Who would I be if I weren’t willing to bet on love?” she chuckled. Her eyes sparkled with excitement. “Go to him, you brave little lavette!” she commanded. She kissed her fingers and wafted her hand at him, sending him off.
Nico walked straight out the door into the shadows of the night. The cold whispers pushed him forward, sounding urgent and determined.
Gwen’s front door dawned out of the darkness right in front of him.
He straightened up. He rolled his shoulders and knocked. His heartbeat reached his throat with tight, rhythmic squeezes. He thought he was about to choke on it, until Gwen opened the door, almost making his heart stop altogether.
He wasn’t the only one affected by nerves. Gwen’s wary expression fell right off her face as she recognized him. She quickly closed her mouth back up. Glancing over her shoulder feverishly, she stepped outside, closing the door behind her. Nico made room.
She opened her mouth again, then smiled painfully. “Hey, Nicky…” she breathed. She stuck out her arms.
Nico tried not to cry when she hugged him. She was delicate, like she was trying to be sneaky about it. Like she was doing something illegal.
She held his shoulders out in front of her, looking him over with pursed lips. “It’s so good to see you” she said quietly.
“You too, Gwen. I’m really sorry about… Well, everything” he started. “I’m here to talk to him” he added with a low voice.
Gwen seemed to be trying not to show how much that worried her. Her pursed lips hardened, her eyes widened slightly.
“Uhuh” she said weakly. She nodded. “Yes... I think you should talk… But, he’s… He’s here. But, I don’t know how he’s-” she stammered.
“I know” Nico said, putting up his hands. “I’m not expecting any miracles. I mostly just want to apologize” he added, trying to sound reassuring.
She nodded again, not any less nervous than before. Then she slapped him on the shoulder. “Good luck, buddy. Don’t die in there…” she said with the fakest cheer he’d ever heard her muster.
“Thanks, Gwen” he said. He meant it.
She crossed her arms and looked at him as he grabbed the handle. No indication she was going to follow him inside. Oh, alright… She gave him another smile when he closed the door behind him.
He turned and looked into the hallway. He’d never gone this way round before. His mind went blank in anticipation while he walked through the living room into the kitchen.
Mark had stopped mid sip of his coffee, his eyes locked onto him.
Nico stared back. “Oh, hi Mark” he said, the nerves somehow made him sound more casual.
Mark slowly put the cup on the table, eyes still wide. He grinned far too widely, obviously terrified. “Hey, Nick!” he shouted, holding out his hands in a forced welcoming gesture. “Does Logan know you’re here?!” he asked with desperate intensity.
Nico smiled nervously and shook his head.
Mark sucked in his lips and made a jerky movement with his head, somewhere between a nod and a shake. He slapped the table, grabbed his coffee and practically sprinted into the hallway. “Sherman, stay up there!” he shouted along his way up the stairs.
Logan opened his bedroom door, visibly annoyed at the commotion. He looked in the direction of the stairs. Then into the kitchen.
Nico’s heart stopped when their eyes met. He’d never seen Logan genuinely shook. It didn’t suit him. Logan seemed to agree. His face twisted in rage. No… this was probably more than rage. The undeniable fury in his eyes incinerated Nico’s soul with the ferocity of hellfire, slow and torturous. In just an instant, though it felt like an eternity, he’d turned to nothing but ashes.
A gasp restarted his heart with vigor when Logan made his way over. He held his breath tightly to prevent his ashes from scattering, then mentally prepared himself for a punch in the face. It never came. Logan shoved past him, letting his anger blow over Nico like a heatwave. The back door closed behind him with a slam so loud it shook the walls.
Nico stood there for a second. What was that saying again? The opposite of love isn't hate, it's…Whatever? Good, because based on the look Logan just gave him, he clearly hated him. Guess that didn't necessarily mean he didn't have a shot at making this right. Nico grinned humorlessly to himself.
He tried to gather himself. Nope. Not a chance. He pushed through and grabbed the handle.
Nico closed the door behind him. Logan was way closer than he anticipated… Was it always this cramped back here?! Despite the open space around them past the porch fence, they were pretty much trapped together now.
Nico stared at Logan's back, gathering the courage to speak. Nope. Not a chance of that either. He pushed through again, inhaling shakily. “We need to talk” he said firmly, his voice wavered a little.
“Funny. That’s what I thought. But, now that you’re actually here, I’ve got nothing to say to you” Logan said without any emotion.
Nico tried to ignore his heart wrench in his chest. “Then please just listen” he pleaded.
Logan stayed silent, not moving at all apart from blowing out a stream of smoke.
“Look…” Nico stammered “Things moved fast... I know it sounds stupid, but I got scared”
Logan scoffed loudly. “Damn right it sounds stupid. You got scared? You’re the one who told me that you loved me, man. All I did was say it back” he said in cold anger. Then his tone got downright bitter. “And I meant it when I said it. We did things I’ve never done with a guy before. That matters to me. And then you creep out in the middle of that same night and leave me a shitty little note? I can’t help but take that a little personally, pal”.
Nico felt the shame wash over him. He couldn’t think of anything to say.
Logan turned around, facing him. He rested his back on the fence leaning on his lower arms. Nico didn’t think his usually fiery eyes could ever be this ice cold. He felt frostbite burn him all over as the tension in his body rose even further.
Logan took a long drag from his cigarette, then very deliberately blew the smoke in Nico’s face. Breathing it in stung his throat like needles, all the way down into his chest. He closed his eyes, held his breath and let the rest of the pain flow past him.
“You broke my heart, you know?” Logan said with a low, brittle voice.
Nico’s eyes stung when they shot back open. He watched a tear slowly run down Logan's cheek. It slipped off his chin without a sound.
Fuck…! This was too unsettling. He couldn’t bear to look at him anymore. “I know I did… I was afraid I had, anyway”. Nico’s voice cracked. He picked himself back up, a little more fiery than he meant to.
“When I said it, I meant it too! I still do! But, it kind of just slipped out... When you said it back. That was the best thing that ever happened to me! But I got in my head… I couldn't keep out the thoughts of how badly I'd fucked up before and how I was going to ruin everything. I started panicking. I’m not good at these things… like, really, really bad at these things. I couldn't handle it. I freaked out. It felt like I was going to die! So I figured, best to get out before we get in too deep and it would hurt even worse. Before I hurt you too bad”.
Nico could feel his hands shaking. “But I messed up. It was way too late for that. And-”.
He was fighting back tears. He was going to lose that fight soon. “And I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry. I’m always going to be sorry... I regretted it the second I left”.
Tears were streaming down his face now. He wiped them away with the back of his hand. He forced himself to look Logan in the eyes. Logan’s expression was still cold, but there was a hint of something Nico couldn’t quite recognize.
“If it’s any consolation, I broke my own heart too” he wringed out of himself. Fuck! It was impossible to handle this even a second longer. He had to get out of here before he made it even worse.
Nico spun himself around, pulling the door open. Logan reached over his shoulder, shoving it back closed with a slam. Nico looked back at him, Logan’s hand now practically next to his face. An unbearable tension filled the air.
“If you’re going to run away again, can you at least give me a kiss goodbye this time?” Logan asked. His attempt at a cocky grin didn't even remotely conceal the immense amount of hurt in his expression.
Nico swallowed a breath. He turned around and threw himself at him. Logan caught him, putting his free arm around Nico's waist. Then added the other. Nico shuddered against him and sank into his arms. He slipped his arms under Logan's and pulled him even closer, kissing him hard.
Logan's lips were chapped, his grip far too tight and he tasted like cigarettes. It was amazing.
For just a moment, nothing mattered and everything in the world was fine.
Very quickly, the door opened, hitting Nico right in the-! Behind him, Mark came out halfway. Only to immediately realize what he had walked into. They quickly let go of each other.
Mark averted his eyes, waving both hands at them and rushed back behind the door. “Gods! Sorry! We heard the door slam! Just making sure you weren't killing each other!”. He shut the door with a scared sounding thud.
Nico didn't dare to look at Logan. “You have the right to hate me, you know?” he said quietly.
Logan groaned loudly, stunning him. “I don't-!” he started, raising his voice in exasperation. “Hate you…” he ended much lower. “C'mon, how many times are you going to make me say that?!”. He sounded desperate.
Nico fought all his feelings. Sadness and shame won. “It's just…I'm such a piece of shit” he muttered, shoving his hands in his face.
They both sighed.
Logan put a hand on his shoulder. “Hey, watch it. That's my crazy ex-boyfriend you're talking about… I'm not over that guy”.
Nico chuckled, it almost sounded like a sob.
“I mean it, though... I still love you” Logan said with a low voice.
Nico looked at him. Logan shot him a sad smile.
He felt tears run down his cheeks again. “I love you too” he said, his voice trembling.
Logan put an arm around him and pressed himself against him.
Nico sunk his face in Logan's shoulder. “It's terrifying…” he said quietly. He started sobbing, he couldn't hold it in anymore.
“I know, but it doesn't have to be... Not as long as you just keep talking to me. I mean it, even if we don't make it… I don't wanna lose you completely” Logan muttered.
Nico felt Logan's breath shake. He nodded.
Time stood still for a while.
Logan huffed quietly. “Guess you really are the ‘Ghost’ king, huh?” he teased.
The corner of Nico's mouth twitched. He did deserve that... But, still. “Very clever. How long have you been waiting to use that line?” he asked with a wet attempt at sounding accusatory.
“Too long…” Logan muttered. His tone was so bittersweet that it was hard to swallow.
Nico gripped him tighter. “Yeah” he sighed quietly.
Something rubbed against his leg and rasped at him. Nico looked down, into the bright dilated eyes of Crazy Butch. Butch didn’t seem nearly as terrified of what he’d walked into than their previous intruder, not having a clue about complicated human emotions. Butch kinda had life figured out in that sense, actually…
Logan bent down to pet him. Butch clawed at Nico’s pants, boorishly daring to ask for even more. Well, why not actually? Nico bent down to greet the rude little man too. Butch headbutted his hand, then bit him. Nico let him.
“Kinda missed you too, little jerk” he muttered.
Logan exhaled deeply and gave him a serious look. “This doesn't mean I'm not angry at you anymore” he warned.
“Don't worry, I get that. I'm also still very angry at me” Nico responded quietly. It wasn't really a joke, but he couldn’t stop a wry smirk.
Logan's expression softened. He put his forehead against his. “Yeah… Well… Don't torture yourself too much. Just because I'm mad at you doesn't mean I love you any less…”.
Oh!...? Nico closed his eyes for a few seconds trying to take in the words. Maybe mostly trying not to cry, he realized as he swallowed.
“I don’t want you to suffer, I just want you to do better. And not just for me…” Logan explained.
Nico nodded against him. “Yeah. I will. I'll really, really try” he pushed out. A kiss on his temple stole all shame from his words.
“Talking about ‘suffering’. Ready to put an end to Mark's?” Logan asked. “Gwen's probably eating him at this point”.
Nico let out a short laugh. They pulled away and got up. Logan opened the door and waited for him to enter. Yep… Of course he had to go first… Nico took it in stride, right into the kitchen. The dinner table was a bit crowded suddenly, Gwen leaned over Mark, Sherman sitting behind them. It went quiet. Everybody stared at them.
Mark had a terrible poker face.
Gwen was the bravest. “Sooo… You going to quit smoking? Or… what?” she asked, obviously trying to fish for answers to a question she hadn’t dared to ask.
Nico looked at Logan nervously.
Logan side-eyed him. His expression slightly salty. “Nah, he can lick ashtrays for a while” he grumbled.
The tension in the room seemed to dissipate a little. Nico relaxed his shoulders. Oof. They hurt… He felt drained. No. Relieved. He smiled to himself.
Mark leaned forward. “Gods, Nick! I’m so glad you’re back! It’s been hell without you here. He’s done nothing but bitch and moan” he whispered.
“And he’s been mean too” Sherman added.
“He stabbed my cute little apple tree! There's going to be a broken sword stuck in there forever! And I swear, if I have to listen to Behind These Hazel Eyes one more time…” Gwen chimed in dramatically.
Logan groaned and covered his eyes.
“You don't even have hazel eyes…” she whined further.
Mark suppressed a snort and beckoned Nico closer. “Few weeks ago, during sparring, he started crying. Valentina tried to hug him. He shoved her right into a bush” he snickered.
Sherman wiggled two fingers, mimicking two legs sticking up in the air.
“Hey! That was just days after!... I apologized for that and I pulled her out right away!” Logan shouted.
Through all the guilt, Nico accidentally let the beginning of a laugh slip out. A very painful one, but still… He quickly covered his mouth, pretending to cough.
Logan took him in a chokehold. “You don’t get to laugh at that yet” he warned, messing up Nico’s hair.
Logan let him go, leaving his arm over his shoulder. Nico sucked in his lips and lowered his head a little. Worth it… The rest of the conversation flew right past him. He focussed on trying to stay as still as possible, not wanting to risk making the arm around his shoulder move.
Before long, everyone else had gone to bed. The quiet was calm, but a little uncomfortable.
Logan’s eyes burned on his face. He decided to be brave and meet them, he’d faced much harder confrontations today. Logan’s expression was hard to read. It had a little bit of everything. Nico focussed on the warmth. It was nice, but painfully undeserved.
“When you first saw me… For a second I thought you were going to punch me in the face” he admitted quietly. He withered a little in the genuine offense in Logan’s eyes.
“I would never do that!”. Despite the scowl, there was no anger in his tone, just hurt.
Nico put up his hands, sorry he brought it up. “I know! I know that. I promise… Just my own mind messing with me again” he realized out loud.
Logan’s relieved expression somehow hurt too.
“Still, I would have deserved it. I would have deserved much worse” he reassured.
Apparently not what Logan had been wanting to hear. Logan sighed deeply, sadness washing over his face. By far the worst look so far.
Nico needed to put a stop to this. He slowly shook his head. “But, even if you had. I’d have been lucky to make it that far. Aphrodite decided to spare me too. Guess she didn’t feel like ripping my heart out either” he concluded with a sigh.
“You went to see her?” Logan asked, clearly surprised, maybe even impressed.
“Yeah. Thought you might… Wouldn’t have been fair to make you go face her alone” Nico started.
Logan gave him a slightly guilty smile, pulling his arm back to rap his fingers against the table.
Nico returned a much guiltier smile. “This was all on me” he stressed, putting up his hands. “Good news, by the way. She’s called off the whole thing. We’re free to go”.
Logan looked even more surprised than before. “So that’s what that letter was about. Hah… I have to give it to her, I didn’t expect her to be so cool about this”.
Nico snorted. “Oh no. No way… She was pissed. I thought I was done for. But, guess she has a soft spot for heartbroken idiots”.
Logan huffed. “Look at you, moping us out of trouble”.
Nico huffed too. “Least I could do. My whining was more than due to be useful for once”.
They grinned weakly at each other. Man, what an exhausting day. All the extra energy from the nerves had died together with them.
“I'm going to bed” Logan stated, slowly getting up.
Nico nodded and did the same. He went to reach for his coat. “Yeah, I'll-”.
Logan gestured at him. “You coming or what?” he asked.
Nico stared at him, coat an arms length away in his hand.
Logan raised an eyebrow. “Oh, you have other plans at one AM on a Wednesday?" he asked jokingly.
Nico slowly let go of his coat, letting it drop to the ground. He watched Logan walk into the hallway and open his door. Logan cocked his head, clearly waiting for him. Oh. Guess that meant they were sharing a bed. Relief and nerves mixed together. Nico could hear his heart beat loudly as he carefully made his way over.
The next dilemma lined up for him when Logan got undressed and got in bed. He pulled aside the covers next to him, expectantly… Nico turned away from the prying embers and mulled it over, pulling his clothes off to mask his panic. This was dangerous terrain.
What was he supposed to do? What was he allowed to do? All his feelings fought each other. The shame and guilt made a pretty good point… He laid down as far on the edge of the bed as he could, his back turned to Logan.
He heard Logan huff and felt him move behind him. Nico froze as he wrapped his arms around him and yanked him towards the middle of the bed, pulling him against him. Nico’s muscles stayed tense in the sudden embrace, subconsciously trying to protect himself from the familiar, comforting warmth.
Logan pulled back a little, loosening his grip. “Am I scaring you?” he asked carefully in Nico’s ear.
Nico closed his eyes as the guilt and shame intensified and released the tension in his body. “No!... no…” he groaned. “It’s just… I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve-”. He cut himself off with a sharp sigh. You.
Logan’s grip tightened. “What? Love?!” he asked in irritated disbelief.
Nico pursed his lips and thought about it. Yeah… Kinda spot on, actually… “I mean… After what I put you through”.
Logan let out a short laugh, there was only a hint of humour in it. “After what you put me through?” he repeated in aggravated amazement. “Dude… Sure, It hurt my feelings. A lot. But have you seen yourself?! You’re a complete fucking wreck! It was a stupid move, in probably every way. But, that doesn’t mean you deserve eternal damnation”.
The words landed kinda hard. Nico didn’t know what to do with them.
Logan sighed. “You’re officially the stupid one from now on, by the way. There’s no way I can beat that” he declared smugly.
Nico smiled weakly. “Damn right I am”.
Logan groaned in disapproval. “No! Don't agree! You're ruining it. What's fun about being a confrontational asshole if you're not going to overreact to it?”.
Nico couldn’t help it. “Yeah, sorry…”.
Logan let out a miserable noise. “Please, stop. This is so fucking sad. You’re trying so hard. You showed up, didn’t you? Be at least a little proud of that. Stop beating yourself up already”.
Nico felt too many emotions well up. None of that made any sense to him. It was hard to keep track of his thoughts. He just threw them out there and hoped for the best. “I’m sorry! I know it’s not fair. But… I’m so fucking done with myself. I feel like I keep looking for proof that you hate me… I don’t know what’s wrong with me… Maybe deep down I kinda want you to?… It just makes more sense to me, or something” he whispered shakily.
Logan’s grip tightened more. He kissed him on the neck. “Too bad” he chimed, kissing him on the temple. “I fucking love you”. Another kiss. “You sad little emo” he whispered in his ear. He tickled Nico in his sides.
Son of a-! Nico jolted. He quickly spun around and grasped at Logan’s hands, gripping them tightly in his. They grinned at each other in the dark.
Logan's grin turned into a pensive look. A painful one. Nico braced himself. “What hurt the most wasn’t that you dumped me” Logan said quietly. “I kept worrying that maybe you'd do something… Stupid”. His voice was tense, almost shaky.
Nico took a painful breath at the stab of guilt in his chest. He really wished Logan didn't know him that well… “Everything I did was stupid. We just talked about this, I'm a really stupid guy” he joked, hopeful to get away without lying, but even more hopeful to get away without telling the truth.
Logan shifted, actually shaking.
Shit! Nico pulled him against him. “No! No… Don't worry. I didn't mean it like that. I didn't do anything!”.
Logan drew out an exhale against him.
Nico followed suit. “I mean… I thought about it. A few times. But, I knew it wouldn’t be right. I didn't even try to do anything. I promise”.
Logan bumped his forehead against his. Just a little too hard…
“Sorry” they said in unison. They quietly laughed at each other.
Logan sighed. “Well, aside from that… I also just really, really missed you…”.
Nico’s grin turned into a smile. “I missed you more”.
Logan huffed, gently moving Nico's hair away from his face. “Wanna bet?”.
Ha! Sucker. Nico didn't even need words to win this. He pushed him down and kissed him on his jaw, his neck, still exactly nine kisses long, his chest, slowly working his way down. Logan ran an appreciative hand through his hair as he did. Nico smirked to himself. See? Words were overrated.