Chapter Text
Seth
Seth’s feelings cooled on the way back to Horus’ apartment. He was still glad to know he had more people on his side than he thought, and he was grateful Horus was there to support him. He thought of Bastet and her teasing, talking about people who missed Seth. He thought of everything he’d missed while he’d been on the sun boat, and Bastet’s encouragement to keep up what he was doing that made him happier.
Memories he’d tried to ignore while he’d been back among the humans and other gods were resurfacing, and sending him down dark roads, no matter how much Bastet promised him he was missed.
He thought of Horus, dancing around him. Who’d supported him all the way. After everything Seth had done. Everything Horus had forgiven him for.
And he thought of how he’d ended up on the sun boat in the first place. How fragile things still were.
Once they were back in the apartment, Seth walked to the living room, knowing Horus was following him, and it was awkward to talk about things in the entryway. Once he was near the couch, he turned to face Horus, who stopped before him.
Afternoon light shone in through the windows, bathing the room in a soft glow. On the sun boat, it never got dark. Ra’s power reached everywhere, even the cabins where people slept, or attempted to sleep. But here, it didn’t feel as invasive.
Paranoia would have had him believe Ra could see him here, but he’d spent too many centuries fighting her before he went to the sun boat, and the sun boat had illuminated even more that Ra couldn’t see everything. She just shone and let others in her path flourish or burn as they would.
Seth was the desert: he could survive the sun’s heat, where other people failed. But what about when that strength pushed the people he cared about away? When it shielded him from even the smaller kindnesses, let alone the bigger ones?
“What’s wrong?” Horus asked.
“That was a close one,” Seth said. “We nearly… That could have been bad.” Bastet could still ruin things for them if she talked about their relationship to the wrong person. No matter what she said about the sun boat, Seth was still wary.
Horus nodded. “That’s true. But I thought it went well.”
Seth could have let it go. He could have just let them sit together and watch movies or something. But avoiding talking about how he was feeling had ruined so much else in his life… And he couldn’t avoid the thought anymore, not after what had been running through his head on the walk home.
“Why haven’t you brought up all the times I called you a coward?” Seth asked. Things just weren’t adding up in his head. He’d talked about a lot of things with Horus since they’d gotten together, but not that.
Horus blinked down at him, clearly surprised by the question. “I… hadn’t thought about it much.”
Seth frowned, frustrated by Horus’ distraction. “You hadn’t thought about…?! I called you a coward!” Seth would have been incensed by that. It had led to a number of fights on the sun boat. He’d thought of several of them on their walk back. Memories he’d been avoiding as he adjusting to having Horus closer in his life.
But Bastet’s appearance was a sign he couldn’t run away from it all. Even now, he felt like what he’d built up here was a farce. That the reason he’d been doing so well was that he was running away from himself. Pretending.
Horus was strong, but was he strong enough for whatever was coming their way? Was he strong enough for Seth when he let loose?
Horus, for some bizarre reason, smiled. “I’ve been called far worse over the centuries, often in defense of you. And when I traveled with my mother as a child, we had to do terrible things to survive. “Coward” barely rates in comparison.”
Seth grimaced at that, not wanting to know all the terrible things gods and humans could come up to call someone: he’d heard enough on the sun boat. But the idea that Horus had faced worse defending Seth, pushing for Seth’s freedom…
It was difficult to fathom. And it made Horus’ reaction so bizarre. Seth had to bear with it on the sun boat for survival, but Horus didn’t.
“Why are you bringing this up?” Horus asked.
“Because the people on the sun boat…” Seth began. He ran a hand through his hair. “I was harsh with them. But Bastet said that they… that they didn’t entirely dislike me. And I just… I don’t understand.” He breathed in heavily. “We said far worse things to each other than calling each other cowards, and yet some of them miss me, and I just…”
He hadn’t cared about them. He’d been furious with Nut, and his grandparents were strangers. He hadn’t wanted to die. Making friends hadn’t even been on his list of priorities. Let alone…
Let alone what he had with Horus. Yes, they were happy now, but what about in a week? A month? A year?
“People are complicated,” Horus said in the silence when Seth was struggling to figure out how to continue. “But you knew them for a long time. It seems like they grew to care for you in some capacity, too.”
“That’s the problem, though,” Seth said, hugging his arms around himself. “I loved Nephthys. But I doubted her for years before I even knew I’d lost her, even ignoring the spell. And it’s my fault for doubting her, not hers. And she insisted it’s not my fault or that I wasn’t as bad as I remember, but I think she’s being too generous. I remember how I was. And it drew us apart perhaps almost as much as what Osiris did.” He remembered how he was on the sun boat. He couldn’t forget.
“You’ll never know that for sure,” Horus said. “I’ve talked to Nephthys, about her behavior after the spell was enacted. About her fears and the lying. I suspect some part of you sensed the changes in her behavior, and you withdrew somewhat as a result. If the spell hadn’t happened, you might have been happy together.”
“But I didn’t have to be cruel to her,” Seth insisted. That was all him. Not any miscommunication.
“She said you weren’t as bad as you think you were,” Horus replied, firmly.
“That’s not—!” Seth sighed, angrily. “The point is, I just…” He turned aside, angry. “I don’t even know. I just don’t see how you can forgive it. Even if you’ve been through worse.” The people on the sun boat had to live and survive with him. Horus could have Seth out of his hair at any time. How did love compensate for all that? How could it?
Bastet’s visit had reminded him that he just didn’t know himself or the people around him. Or how much he could damage everything if he screwed up again. If he was himself again.
“You’ve tried to kill me,” Horus said. “On multiple occasions. If I can move past that, I’m not sure how I can’t move past some words spoken when you were rightfully angry.”
Seth didn’t have a reply to that.
“Without meaning offense,” Horus began, carefully, “I understand that kind of language would hurt you. You’re a very proud god, and it seems like Osiris struck you where he knew you would be most vulnerable. But we’re not the same person, Seth. I’m proud, too, but not in a way that such a thing would hurt me.”
“I understand,” Seth said, even if that wasn’t entirely true. “But I keep doing this to people who care about me. To Nephthys, to the people on the sun boat, to you… I keep… I keep ruining things.” If he’d been less hostile, would have been slept easier on the sun boat? Would he have accepted leaving?
And if he was so oblivious, what was to stop him screwing up without realizing it?
“You don’t ruin things,” Horus insisted.
“You couldn’t ruin it.”, Horus said in Seth’s memory. “You were perfect.”
“I tried to ruin Egypt!” Seth said, turning around to glare at Horus, whose eyes widened in surprise at Seth’s reaction. “I tried to hurt Isis. I hurt Anubis. How can you all insist I deserve affection when I clearly don’t?! After everything I’ve done!” The people on the sun boat were bored and delusional. That had to be it… “I fought all the people Bastet was talking about… but if I was so wrong about them, I just…”
If he and Horus kept being close, Seth would find a way to ruin them, too. He’d known Nephthys a long time before he began screwing things up with her. Horus and Seth had only known each other closely for relatively little time. What if something happened in the future? What if—?
Horus stepped forward slowly and then reached out to brush tears away from Seth’s eyes. “You doubt yourself too much. You think you’re not worth loving.”
Seth breathed in deeply. It was the end of everything in his heart. Why he pulled away from Nephthys due to his work. The way he feared Anubis following in his footsteps. The way he even hid parts of himself from Isis.
“You are worth loving, Seth,” Horus said, despite the storm in Seth’s chest. He caressed Seth’s cheek. “Osiris manipulated you for centuries. And you did difficult things no other gods were able to do while protecting Egypt, in war and on the sun boat.”
“That’s not…” Seth swallowed. His voice felt thin. “I had to. I couldn’t do anything else.”
“And if you didn’t do those things, then who?” Horus asked. “My parents couldn’t have gone to war like you did. Even my father, who defeated Ra, didn’t go to war to defend Egypt afterward. Nephthys didn’t. The other gods outside you siblings didn’t. You defended Egypt and its people. You put yourself on the line and witnessed horror and went home to rest before returning again and again. I’ve seen the stories in my mother’s writing. I’ve heard her tales and Nephthys’ tales. I’ve heard your allies talking about you. And Bastet’s words only confirm that to me.”
Seth felt shaky. “And if I push you away again? What then?” He realized he was more afraid of that than anything else, still. This thing between them felt so fragile and new. What if it was just a phase? What if he returned to his normal self and started destroying everything again?
“Then we handle that then,” Horus said, which wasn’t really reassuring. “But I don’t see how that will happen. You’re acting like it’s in your nature to be cruel, when, from all that I’ve seen and heard, it’s not. You’re protective – that’s in your nature. You protected Egypt. You protected your family from your work. You protected yourself from pain. If I ever hurt you again, I’d understand you protecting yourself from me again.”
Seth doubted that would happen. “You spoil me too much.”
“I enjoy it,” Horus said, fondly. “I think you deserve, it, too.” He moved forward to lean his forehead against Seth’s and shut his eyes. “I want to spoil you now, after hearing you’re worried about pushing me away.”
Seth’s cheeks warmed. At some point he’d become afraid of losing Horus. He wasn’t sure when. But Horus kept him sane.
“Do you love me?” Horus asked quietly. “Is that why? You fear you push away and harm the people you love, and you’re worried you might do the same with me?” He sounded hopeful.
Seth’s throat felt tight. He wasn’t sure how to respond.
“Because I still love you,” Horus said as he wrapped his arms around Seth. “And…” his voice grew shaky. “If you felt the same…”
Seth tried to measure his own breathing.
“You don’t have to say it,” Horus said, eventually. He still sounded a bit disappointed.
Seth was angry at that. He turned his face up and pressed their lips together. His balled his hands in Horus’ shirt, keeping him close.
Horus pressed back against him, squeezing him just a little.
When Seth broke the kiss, he said, “I… I do care for you, Horus.” Was it love? He didn’t know. It seemed like more than you could squish into one word, but less, too. “I…” He breathed in deeply. “I worry about losing you. Not just because you keep this apartment and make sure I don’t return to the sun boat. But because… because…” He was kind and generous. Affectionate and sweet. Thoughtful.
He reminded Seth when he was being a panicky fool, like now. Bastet had brought back his mindset on the sun boat: having to watch his every move, not trusting anything around him.
Not Horus, who’d offered everything he had. Who’d worked hard to prove he could support Seth in all the ways that mattered.
“You’re everything I want and don’t deserve,” Seth said, quietly. “I just…” He didn’t know. He was afraid of who would find them next. He imagined Isis would come calling, and he didn’t think she’d be as willing to forgive old issues as everyone else Seth had come across during his probation.
“Then I’ll remind you that you deserve better as much as I can,” Horus said. He kissed Seth’s forehead. “If you get sick of it, you’ll have to tell me, though.”
Seth wasn’t sure he’d bother. It made him uncomfortable.
“Because otherwise I’m going to keep telling you how amazing you are,” Horus said. “How handsome you are. How cute you can be.”
“Cute?!” Seth said, confused.
Horus grinned. “Your face you make when you’re annoyed with something minor, or you go on rants about martial arts, is really adorable. And you have this soft look you make when you like what you’re hearing… It makes me want to kiss you every time.”
Really? Seth thought, confused. I… look cute?
“And you’re so smart and good at what you put your mind to,” Horus said, his expression growing softer. “You’ve adapted well to the modern human world. You get angrier at less than I thought, and you’re good at setting boundaries. The Internet certainly isn’t for the faint of heart, and you’ve taken well to it.”
“It’s not easy,” Seth noted, feeling embarrassed. “Mostly I just back off from things that seem weird and ask you too many questions…” At times he felt too weak. Too useless. Martial arts training was one thing, but the rest? He lacked experience and knowledge.
“I don’t mind your questions,” Horus said. “I’m glad you feel comfortable asking them.”
Seth sighed, still frustrated.
Horus leaned their foreheads together again. “Why don’t I show you how much I care about you?” His right hand moved down Seth’s side. “You don’t have to work until tomorrow, anyway.”
Seth shivered a bit as he tracked Horus’ hand. “In the bedroom, then. Not on the floor.”
Horus grinned and pulled Seth towards his bedroom. There, they undressed and Horus took his time kissing every part of Seth he could reach, leaving Seth shaky and wanting.
As Seth watched Horus pressing a line of kisses down Seth’s lower stomach, Seth said, quietly, “I shouldn’t have called you a coward.”
Horus looked up at him, his blue eyes bright in the lowered room lights. His hands rested around Seth’s bare hips, pressing Seth into the covers.
“I still disagree with keeping Osiris’ crimes private,” Seth said, turning his head away. “But it’s not like I ever did anything about it myself, when I’ve had ample opportunity.” He hadn’t told anyone before returning from the sun boat. And it wasn’t like anyone he’d spoken to had shared the secret, either. A few private individuals weren’t bringing Osiris to justice. “I think Nephthys and Anubis are owed justice. But… you are brave. In other ways.” He couldn’t change the past. He wouldn’t return to the sun boat for the people and difficult relationships he’d left behind there. But…
“What do you mean?” Horus asked, still watching him. His gaze was thoughtful.
“You still reached out to me,” Seth said. “Despite all my rejection. My attacks. Despite how difficult it was.” He’d been listening to what Anubis and Nephthys had been telling him since he’d started talking with them again more, and reading between the lines of that and what Horus told him. Things were hard for Horus for a long time.
“You persevered,” Seth continued. “Where other people would give up.” He smiled softly. “And I haven’t forgotten that you wanted me to have freedom, not be in your debt.”
“A bare minimum,” Horus said, dismissively. “You don’t owe me for that.”
“I don’t,” Seth said. “But it’s brave to look at an enemy and hope for them to be better. I… I tried, for so many years. For Osiris. For Isis. I gave up.” It was part of why he hadn’t trusted the people on the sun boat.
He smiled sadly. “A part of me wanted things to go back to the way they were. And I drowned that part of me, because it was just pain.” He’d wanted his siblings back. The world that had been taken from him. Not the strangers he had to contend with.
“You couldn’t have known about Osiris,” Horus said. “And Mother still struggles with her own pain.”
“That’s not the point,” Seth said, annoyed. He didn’t want to think about Isis: that would only send him spiraling in another direction. “To persist, regardless… I respect that. You’re not a coward.” He breathed in deeply. “And maybe we’ll figure out something to do with Nephthys. You helped me. Maybe I can help you.” Even though he hadn’t the faintest idea how.
Horus grinned brightly at him. “I appreciate the help!”
Seth scowled at him. “I haven’t done anything yet.”
“But you have ideas.”
Seth looked away. He had an inkling of something, with all the gods who’d reached out to him. All the ones he’d spoken to. He didn’t want to make a move of any kind yet, and he was unsure Nephthys would be willing. But… he didn’t know.
“I’m tired,” Seth said instead, letting his head fall back on the pillows. He hoped sleep would wash away all his anxiety, even though it seldom did. ”Weren’t you busy with something?”
Horus chuckled before moving his head back down to press his lips to Seth’s skin again.
Maybe I can do more good here, Seth thought as he shut his eyes under Horus’ ministrations. Maybe there’s a reason I came back.
Hope was still a strange thing to him. He wondered how long it would last. But he was glad Horus was with him for it. And he’d do his best to protect this thing they had, if Horus was unwilling to let Seth destroy it.
He returned to the dojo the next day, as ever, and his students were happy to see him. Horus was sitting on the windowsill in his bird form, watching. Seth felt more relaxed than he had the previous day, even with a text message from Bastet arriving shortly after he woke up.
No invites out this time. Just talking about her day after they parted ways: she liked to explore at night, and ended up in interesting places. It was like she was really trying to be a friend, like she’d seemed at their meet-up.
And Seth was polite and attempted to be friendly, too. He wasn’t the same person he was on the sun boat: she’d been right about that. And he was interesting in seeing who he could be. He wouldn’t forget everything that had happened there, but he didn’t have to pretend he couldn’t move past at least some of it, too.
The class went well: the kids were exuberant and paying attention. They reminded him of Anubis when he’d been younger, and somehow it didn’t hurt as much. Possibly because Anubis was still in touch, making him feel wanted in similar ways to Horus, Nephthys, and the rest.
After the class, some of the parents came by to pick up their children, but one unfamiliar figure stood apart, and Seth’s eyes went to him immediately.
He stood near the building’s entryway: an older man wearing a white head covering and clothes similar to many men Seth passed in the streets he walked with Horus. But he wasn’t going to any of the children. He watched Seth with dark eyes.
For some reason, the building security ignored him.
Seth walked over to the man, wondering just who’d shown up to bother him now. “Can I help you?”
The man smiled brightly at him. Up close, he was clearly older, perhaps in his early or late 60s – Seth was getting better at telling age with humans, though it was still difficult, given the variation and results of modern food and medicine. The stranger’s dark beard was long, and his face was wrinkled. “Perhaps. My name is Kuentamen, and I’d like to talk to you.”