Chapter Text
Ivan ended up falling asleep again, in part due to strong painkillers the rebels put him on. He woke up a little to find himself leaning on someone’s shoulder as they walked somewhere in the dark. From the feel and gait, he could tell it was the man from before, who’d helped them. Ivan thought his name was Dewey or something based on conversation he’d heard, though he had some trouble keeping track. His eyes were always looking around for Till, whom he discovered walking next to him, in a way that clearly showed he wanted to stick close.
Ivan couldn’t see the other man’s expression in the dark. But he was glad Till was still looking after him. He hoped that never changed. If Till had tried to wake him up, he couldn’t recall it, but at least Till was keeping an eye on him.
Ivan wondered if Till would hug him again. Maybe I should get injured more often, he thought. Anything to have Till watching him. Being near him. But he had the impression it’d make Till angry, so he might try other things first.
When next Ivan recollected, he was staring at a strange ceiling and laying in a small bed that wasn’t the most comfortable, but he was at least laying down. His jacket was gone. There was sunlight on the ceiling, it was warm, and as he turned his head, he could see a window to the outside, just over the shoulder of Till, who was sitting in a chair nearby, air fingering a guitar and gazing at his lap, focused.
Till’s silver hair bounced with his movements, and he wore a slight smile as he worked, seemingly enjoying himself.
Ivan relaxed at the sight, and just watched Till for a bit. Till hadn’t done this in a while due to his feelings over Mizi. Maybe he’s already coming back now that she’s here, he thought, a bit bitterly. He cared about Till being happy. Till was free, Mizi was alive, and Ivan could be happier. It doesn’t matter who makes him happy, Ivan thought, even as he could feel the jealousy trickling in. It doesn’t matter.
He was happy Mizi was okay, after all. At least some of them should get out of tournament alive. And he’d genuinely missed her, in between worrying about Till. He wondered if she’d even been part of the push to get the pair of them out of the tournament.
I’ll have to ask her, he thought, distantly. He’d been sent cryptic messages telling him little about his rescuers and their plans, but he’d been desperate: Till was likely to die otherwise. Someone wanted to help them, and that was what mattered. If they survived, they could figure the rest out. But it was odd being in the survived part of the scenario.
He felt that if he were strong enough, he’d have sat up and kissed Till then and there. But he couldn’t move much, and he’d probably just knock Till out of the chair. But it was a nice fantasy.
Till looked up then, taking in the sight of Ivan staring at him, which made Till’s eyebrows rise almost comically. “Oh, you’re awake. You need to go to the bathroom or something? You hungry?”
Ivan thought all of that seemed reasonable, so he nodded. This had the bonus effect of Till helping him sit up, which hurt a bit, but meant Till had his hands on Ivan. He had a strong grip, despite having neglected himself. It was one reason he was so heavily drugged: he was dangerous when he wasn’t.
“How are you feeling?” Ivan asked as they moved slowly to the door, with Ivan leaning on Till heavily.
“I’m okay,” Till replied with a soft smile. “A bit jittery, but that’s mostly because this whole thing with the rebels is wild.”
Ivan grinned and said, “Yeah.” It was a lot of things. Who knew what would happen to them now? The Segyein were their entire lives, and now they still were, to a degree, but at a distance.
Moving around more meant that Ivan got to see their safehouse, or wherever it was they were. It was a large space, with lots of hallways, but not many people. There was a mirror in the bathroom where Ivan could see he looked pretty messy and tired. Hardly the attractive figure he tried to be for Till.
But it’s not like that stopped him from grabbing me, Ivan thought with a smirk as he finished his business.
They spotted Hyuna and Mizi on their way back from the bathroom, and Hyuna nodded at them.
Mizi smiled. She looked so different with short hair. Almost freer, somehow. And happier than Ivan could remember seeing her in years. She always carried such heaviness around her that she tried to hide.
Till froze briefly, nodded, and then helped Ivan to the kitchen.
Ivan smiled back at Mizi, trying to be happy to see her even as he felt pleasant mood drop. He knew that at any second, Till would go to Mizi. Even talking to the cook in the kitchen – a quiet, tall brunette in a sweatshirt, and with a scar over his face, who passed them plates full of food without a fuss – didn’t distract him from the gloom. The kitchen smelled nice, though, and Ivan was almost sad to leave it. Because at least Mizi wasn’t there, which meant he could spend more time with an undistracted Till.
They ended up back in the bedroom, and Ivan sat on the bed, eating his food quietly, his eyes on Till. The food was good, but he’d rather drink in the sight of the man staying with him, while he stuck around. They didn’t talk, but it was nice, all the same.
He said he’d protect me, Ivan thought as he chewed and Till stared at his plate. But from what? And now that we’re here, how long does that protection last? It was a miserable thought. So he wanted to make the most of what he had.
Till chewed quickly and got through his food fast. It seemed like he wanted to get done with it and move on, which made Ivan assume he was going to track down Mizi. Nothing else could get him that pumped that wasn’t music. When Ivan finished, Till took both of their plates out of the room, leaving Ivan alone.
Ivan breathed in and lay back down, feeling a bit tired. He’d had hope with that conversation and embrace in the truck. Maybe that was all adrenaline or something. Or maybe Till was off to find his own room now that Ivan was awake. The tiny bed couldn’t comfortably hold them both.
Not that Ivan was averse to trying. He imagined a few possible scenarios while the seconds passed. He’d had a lot of daydreams over the years and they were easily transferable to his new home.
Thankfully, the painkillers were still working.
There was a knock on the door, and Ivan looked up to see Hyuna there, grinning at him. “Hey, Fang.”
Ivan smirked. “Hyuna.” They hadn’t been close, but it made sense she was part of the reason he was here, and he’d always be grateful.
She walked inside the room and sat down at the chair nearby, looking him over. “You got fucked up pretty bad. But the drugs are working, so that’s good. We can’t get the best stuff, but what we got is good.”
“Thank you,” Ivan said, quietly, meaning it. Hyuna and her people got Till out. That’s what mattered more than any injury Ivan gained.
Hyuna snorted. “So a gunshot is what it takes to get you to be all biddable? Of course it would.”
Ivan raised an eyebrow at her, unimpressed.
Hyuna laughed. “Or maybe it’s having Till all over you?”
Ivan smirked. That helps, he thought.
“He hasn’t left your side much,” Hyuna continued, leaning back and crossing her arms. “Bet you’re loving that.”
Ivan’s cheeks warmed. He was pleased.
“He and Mizi are having a chat,” Hyuna said, glancing back at the door. “Mizi’s checking in on him, just like I’m doing for you.”
Ivan’s smile shrank. Of course she is, he thought. He bet Till really was enjoying it, after everything.
Hyuna looked back at him. After a moment she asked, “Something wrong?”
“No,” Ivan replied. Nothing had changed, that was all. He’d wanted to believe what Till said before, but…
“Liar,” Hyuna said. “Something’s bugging you.” She raised an eyebrow. “Is it cause Till’s with Mizi? You jealous?”
Ivan simply gazed back at her, unimpressed. If she expected him to get mad, he wasn’t going to. He was too hurt and still a bit overwhelmed by being free and having Till safe. And he didn’t want to give Till an excuse to stay away.
Hyuna grinned. “Mizi’s pretty different these days. She’s the one who really spearheaded this mission. She’s living it up, you know.” She tilted her head. “Also she’s mine, and she’s never been interested in Till. And I suspect that’s part of what the conversation is going to be about.”
“She only ever had eyes for Sua,” Ivan commented, quietly. That hadn’t stopped Till. But it never stopped me, either, he thought. He was glad to know Mizi’s affections were elsewhere, but Ivan knew how Till was before, and they’d probably just fall back into that again.
Hyuna nodded. “She still does, kind of. But since her escape she’s gotten a bit better.” Her gaze grew dark. “In as much as any of us can, anyway.”
Ivan lowered his gaze. He wasn’t like Hyuna, Sua, Mizi, or Till. They’d all lost something to the Segyein and their awful world, and though Sua and Mizi had mattered to Ivan, it wasn’t the same as Hyuna losing Hyunwoo and Luka and or Mizi losing Sua or Till losing Mizi. Yeah, Ivan cared for Mizi and Sua, but they’d always gravitated closer around each other than anyone else. And since Till had escaped, Ivan had never really lost anyone. All he had for experience was seeing what loss did to others, and how he knew he couldn’t lose Till like that.
But there was always the chance that even when Mizi turned Till down, Till might not choose Ivan, regardless. Maybe Ivan really was too much in the end. Ivan couldn’t blame him.
“You and Till don’t have to stay here,” Hyuna said eventually. “Obviously we could use the help, but the more rookies we get, the more precarious this gets. And they’ll recognize you more.”
Ivan nodded slightly. They both had familiar faces, and after Mizi’s rescue, the Segyein were more on alert for similar antics. They’d been lucky this worked.
“Not that we’re kicking you out,” Hyuna clarified. “But you have options. We’ll help.”
“…Till won’t leave Mizi,” Ivan said. It was simple fact. Especially now that he had her back. He’d never let her go.
“And you go where Till goes, huh?” Hyuna asked with a soft smile.
“Yes,” Ivan replied, quietly. “If that’s okay with him, I guess.” Would Till even want Ivan around, too? Even if Till couldn’t be with Mizi the way he wanted, Till would probably stick around like a lost pet looking for its owner. It was what Ivan did, anyway.
Hyuna scoffed. “It’s not like he owns this place. Isaac, Dewey, and I decide who stays and who goes. You can stay, too, if you want.” She tilted her head at him. “You’re allowed to have stuff for yourself, you know.”
Ivan looked up at her. She looked so calm and confident, like everything Ivan tried to be. But she had Mizi and her other friends. She was capable and strong. Ivan was just himself. Without the competition and his owners, what use was he? He was too injured to run and knew little enough to get by. He already got caught once, and failed to escape another time.
“People who are freed,” Hyuna said quietly, drawing his attention, “they struggle to figure that out. We’re taught that nothing is ours. We’re living on someone else’s property, eating their food. We have to spend our lives paying it back, to be grateful for the right to suffer under them. Letting them profit off of what our work earned them while we get chucked into cells where they can ignore us when they’re not using us and drug us into compliance.” She sighed and looked out the window. “But this is the end of that. You took your freedom. You got Till’s freedom. And now you’re free to choose for yourself.” She looked at Ivan, her gaze hard. “What do you want, Ivan?”
Ivan gazed at her determined expression and the only thing that came to mind was, “Till.” He wasn’t complicated like Hyuna. He didn’t care about freedom or having things. There was just one thing on his mind. And he’d never been unclear about that. He wondered if he needed to do what Hyuna and Mizi did: find something new to do with himself. Something to fill the Till-shaped hole in what someone might call his heart, if Till was really determined to chase after Mizi forever. But he didn’t know what else there was. Other than to make sure Till was happy.
Hyuna smiled at him. “Then you should go for it.”
Ivan smiled softly. Of course, he thought. He knew giving up was pointless. He’d tried already, and it hadn’t worked. If Till was happy enough with Ivan at his side, and no more than that, then Ivan would be happy to be there. Or pretend to be, anyway. It would be just like before.
Hyuna studied him for a minute, then pushed herself up. “Life’s short, Ivan. You’re lucky that shot didn’t kill you.”
Ivan gazed back at her and put a hand to his side. Human bodies were so fragile. His had only one purpose: to get him to Till. He hadn’t even thought about getting in the way of bullet.
“It’s not like you to just let him slip from your fingers,” Hyuna said. “You did put your life on the line for the guy.”
Ivan smiled and said, “You sound like you really care.”
Hyuna shrugged and said, “It’s your life, Ivan. Don’t waste it.” She walked out of the room.
Ivan gazed ahead at the empty chair, wondering what he was going to make of his life. He’d probably have to learn some useful skills to help, even if he couldn’t hold a gun or mount a rescue. Mizi isn’t the only person who can adapt, he thought.
Then he heard voices outside the door. He looked over to see Till walk in, looking a bit pale.
“I got some water,” Till said. He had some cups in his hand and walked over to hand one over to Ivan, who sat up to take it. Then Till sat in the chair. He glanced at Ivan and then back at his water.
Ivan moved the cup to his mouth and sipped quietly. A part of him wanted to just pull Till onto the bed with him or something, tiny as it was. Though he imagined with the injury it’d hurt. Not that he minded all that much. He still remembered the way Till had felt to lean on.
“I talked with Mizi,” Till said.
Ivan simply watched him, wondering what wonderful bombshells would be dropped there.
“She and Hyuna are together, you know?” Till said, smiling awkwardly. “I think Mizi’s doing better, too, since Sua…” He grimaced. “She’s doing better. She said so, anyway. A little. The rescue helped.” He smiled a bit wider then. “She said thank you for that. Even though I didn’t do anything…”
“You stepped forward,” Ivan said, making Till look at him in surprise. “That’s something.”
Till snorted and set his cup on the floor, hiding his smile. “I guess. You know she and Hyuna are together now? That’s crazy…”
Ivan was glad that was in the open, but he tried to be supportive, “And how are you feeling after hearing that?”
Till shrugged. “It’s just normal, I guess. Mizi was really hung up on Sua. It’s nice she’s moved on.”
You’re a lot nicer about who she moved on to than I would be in that situation, Ivan thought. “But you liked her, right?”
Till winced. “I mean… yeah, but I knew it’d never work out. And people change. And I’m happy she’s happy.”
Ivan wasn’t sure what to make of that. They hadn’t been here that long. Maybe Till would change his mind about being content with this. Or find someone else to obsess over, knowing Ivan’s luck.
Till looked back at Ivan again, his expression more serious. “Hyuna talked to me, too.” His expression was more serious now.
Ivan grinned. “To tell you to lay off Mizi?” Hyuna was fierce when she wanted to be.
Till rolled his eyes, “Mizi’s capable of that herself. But no…” His expression softened. “She said… you had something to tell me?”
Ivan didn’t twitch. He was too practiced at pretending calm when he wasn’t. He was famous for being cool in the face of the grotesque and startling. “About what?”
Till gave him an unimpressed look. “Whatever the shit you were planning to talk to me about. Just spit it out.”
“You haven’t talked with me in ages and now you’re interrogating me?” Ivan asked with a raised eyebrow. “I’ve been shot, you know?” He put on a mock pained expression. “You should be treating me, not questioning poor little me.”
Till snorted, but said, “You weren’t shot in the face.”
Ivan grinned despite himself. “What do I get if I tell you?”
“Just tell me, for fuck’s sake,” Till said, clearly annoyed.
Ivan breathed in deeply, and thought of what Hyuna had said. Finally, he replied, “When I was walking to you during the song, I was going to kiss you.”
There was silence, then. Ivan looked up at Till and saw Till’s eyes were wide in shock.
Ivan smiled grimly, thinking, Yeah, of course you’d hate that. “I figured it was one of the only ways they’d raise your score. They always lower the score of the contestant attacking the other one. Mizi’s lucky Hyuna and her crew arrived when they did, or…” He sighed. “But yeah.”
“…So you just planned to do it because you wanted to help me?” Till asked, his voice quiet. “You were going to sacrifice yourself for me?”
Ivan swallowed. “Yeah.”
“Life’s short, Ivan. You’re lucky that shot didn’t kill you.”
“No,” Ivan said, looking up at Till, who was still shocked. “I mean… yes and no. I was going to sacrifice myself to save you. If I could. Because… you’re the only thing that matters to me. I couldn’t let you die on that stage.” Even now he remembered the burst of fear, and his willingness to go forward with his plan. Maybe he owed it to himself to spell things out for good. To get a clear answer for once over whatever Till felt.
“Ivan…” Till said, quietly. There was worry there.
“I wanted to kiss you because I want you, Till,” Ivan said, gazing somewhere over Till’s left shoulder, unable to look at Till properly. To see the pity. “I always have. And if I was going to die anyway, then… why not go out doing something I’ve always wanted to do?” He laughed slightly. “So yeah. That’s all.”
He expected Till to get up and leave. He didn’t expect Till to just sit there, staring at him in shock.
Ivan finally stared back at him, not sure what else to do. Maybe he’s just thinking about what to say? Ivan thought. He was always pretty awkward with words that weren’t lyrics…
Then Till groaned and reached up to rub his eyes. “You idiot.”
Ivan’s eyebrows rose. “Excuse me?”
“You fucking—!” Till glared at him. “All that shit you did, and that was your plan?! You could have told me like… once!”
Ivan recalled the way Till had been since Mizi disappeared. “You weren’t in a headspace to know about the plan in advance,” he said. “You haven’t been.” He gazed at Till’s angry expression and said, “What if you spilled the beans while you were drugged?” He’d had an inkling Mizi was involved somehow, if she was alive, but he couldn’t confirm it and didn’t want to get hopes up, or risk the Segyein being clued into things.
“No, you fucking—! UGH!” Till threw his hands up and stood, getting up and walking closer to the bed so that Ivan had to look up at him. “Why didn’t you tell me how you felt?!”
Ivan’s cheeks burned, and then then he glared. “I thought it was obvious! Even Hyuna knew! Why do you think I took you with me when I tried to leave the garden?” He saw the startled look on Till’s face, which said a lot about how wrong Ivan had been back then. So he pressed on, angrily, “And you’re into Mizi anyway. You don’t see anyone else.” The bitterness in his voice was clear. What did he have to lose at this point?
Till made an angry noise and pushed his right knee onto the bed, bumping Ivan’s side and making him wince slightly, even with the painkillers. But then he was distracted by Till moving his face down to Ivan’s and pressing their lips together.
Ivan froze in place, too shocked by what was happening to fully register it.
Till finally pulled away, and then opened his eyes to glare at Ivan. His lips were moist and reddened. “You idiot. Yeah, I like Mizi. That doesn’t mean I don’t like you.” Then he pushed forward into another kiss.