Chapter Text
|-Monday evening. Pat Auletta Steeplechase Pier, Riegelmann Boardwalk, Brooklyn, New York-|
The salt in the air seems to be calming my nerves, being on the Atlantic out here. No, really. I just need to look to my left a little bit in order to gaze out into the ocean. It's kinda scary. Really scary... The ocean terrifies me. Don't know what could be down there. Any number of things: Sharks. Alien looking fish. Giant squid. Whales that eat giant squid. Godzilla. The leviathan. A portal to hell.
Lélegezz és koncentrálj. Nyugodj meg az idegeid. Földelje le magát. (Breathe and concentrate. Calm your nerves. Ground yourself.)
Yeah, thanks for that...
Ezért vagyok itt. (That's why I'm here.)
I don't know why, but that voice reminds me of anya. Maybe that's why it's so calming. So... soothing. Hiányzik... (I miss her...)
buzz
buzz
buzz
My phone starts vibrating in my pocket. Someone is either texting me or calling me. Could be anyone but my gut is telling me who it exactly is. I pull my phone out of my pocket and see it's from Gold... and it's an image... Okay... Just breathe. I can get through this. I tap the message, plug in my passcode and see what she sent. Istenem... (Oh my god...)
'Just a refresher for tomorrow. Try not to get distracted.' She's toying with me. And we've only known each other for a few weeks. This really is going to be a long year, isn't it? I'm so focused on the message that I forget that she sent a picture. I focus on it and... Okay. Breathe. In and out. You can get through this. It's What we decided on yesterday. The blue bikini top, the red sarong and the white shorts with the flat sandals off to the side. She's so... beautiful in it...
Koncentrálj. Lélegezz. Mély és mély. Túljutsz ezen. (Focus. Breathe. Deep and low. You can get through this.)
I try to listen to what the voice is telling me, but it's too much right now. My mind is going wild. How tan lines could look on her skin if she had some... How plump her skin would feel... How firm those muscles would be under my fingertips as I trace them over... How easily I could slip her out of a-
No.
No.
Absolutely the fuck not. No.
What the hell is wrong with me? Why... Why did my mind go there? That's... that's such a heinous thing to do. I barely know her that well and I just... I just thought about something like that. Jesus Christ...
You disgust me.
Higgadj le. Itt kell gondolkodnunk. Koncentrálj és csoportosulj. (Calm down. We need to think here. Focus and regroup.)
Calm down? Regroup? She's a degenerate. There is no hope for her. The only thing we can do is REPRESS.
Please...
The plea goes unheard as that thought only gets more prevalent and the voices become louder.
Nem. Ne nyomja el a gondolatot. Élj vele és tanulj belőle. Nem adhatjuk fel. (No. Do not repress the thought. Live with it and learn from it. We cannot give up.)
Coward. We do that, we guarantee that this happens again. My methods ensure that they don't.
A módszereid csak ártáshoz és öngyűlölethez vezetnek. Lépj egy lépést hátra, és gondold át. (Your methods will only lead to harm and self-hate. Take a step back and think about that.)
whaaaaauuuuum
My attention is cut by the sound of a ship's horn. I look out over the pier and see the ferry going by. It's a brief respite before my mind goes back to... that. I need to get a hold of myself. I slip my phone back into my pocket and find a bench to sit down. I... I need a breather. Jesus...
Deep and low, Kati. Deep and low. Get yourself centered. I don't know how are why my mind went there. It shouldn't have. Those kinds of thoughts only happen when it's someone I've been with in that kind of way for a good amount of time. Someone like Rose. But that time has long since passed and she's on the other side of the country in Seattle. I wonder how that's going for her. With all those clouds and rainy weather. Another deep breath and I feel steady. But I won't know for certain unless... No. I shouldn't. That can only end poorly. And I want to avoid that. I stand back up and head off, wanting to get away from all of this. Anything would be better.
I haven't really moved. Still trying to get my bearings. Why did that happen? Why did that cross my mind? Jesus Christ I'm pathetic... That's just... No. I cannot let that happen again. No matter what. I feel so... disgusting. I need a shower. If anything, to help clear my mind some more. So I start my car's engine and start heading back to the Bronx. The engine hums as I pull out of the parking space and onto the road, the evening sky slowly but surely getting darker as the sun continues to descend past that oceanic horizon which is now behind me. I need to think about something else right now. But I just don't know what I can focus on. I fly through thoughts before landing on something Met said a week ago:
'It’s how I can express emotions when words fail.'
Should I... No. That loud claptrap isn't... But what if... What's the name of that band he keeps trying to turn me on to? Steel Girl? No. That sounds stupid. It had something to do with metal. Iron... something. Maiden? That sounds right. And stupid enough. I connect my phone to my car through bluetooth and head to Spotify. The first thing I see after typing in 'Iron Maiden' is a song called 'Hallowed be thy Name'. Interesting. They don't exactly strike me as the religious type. What, with an album called 'The Number of the Beast' and all that. I tap play as soon as the light turns green, letting the music play as I drive. This is... better than I though it'd be. The music itself is electrifying and lively. And the lyrics... Well, they're fucked up but the story being told is compelling. Before I know it, I'm at the end of the song and listening to one of the best harmonies I think have ever been recorded. I think I'm starting to see why Met likes this now. God damn.
I'm home. I still have that music in my head. Maybe it isn't claptrap after all... It's also keeping me distracted. Which is what I was aiming for. Keep my mind off of... that photo. I really don't want that to come back into my head the way that it did. Just thinking about that makes my skin crawl. How could I do something like that? Why did pop into my head? Am I really that down bad? Better question is am I really that pathetic. That's what I should be asking. Seems to be very appropriate given the circumstances. Just... Why? Why am I like this?
Of course you're pathetic. Why else would you fa-
Lélegezz. Nem vagy szánalmas. Csak... Elveszett. Megtaláljuk az utat. (Breath. You're not pathetic. Just... lost. We can find our way through this.)
I can already sense the coming skirmish, so I'm going to check out from that. Spare myself the trouble. I walk into the building and head up to the top floor. After that, I walk to my apartment, head in, and go straight to the bathroom. I'm making good on that shower. Isten tudja, hogy szükségem van rá. (God knows I need it.) Maybe I'll listen to some more of that Iron Maiden stuff while I'm in there. Might be enough to purge any unwanted thoughts from my mind. I could always go for that...
|-Tuesday afternoon. Skinos, 123 Washington Street, Manhattan-|
Our second shoot... À la joie des choses en notre faveur. (Here's to things turning out in out favor.) I grab my fork and take a bite out of the food in front of me. Moussaka I think is what this is. It's quite nice, actually. It's like a lasagna almost. And I do enjoy lasagna. Doubly so when it is made well. And this is. Kati is supposed to come and get me at five. It is currently 12:30. Which means I have a lot of time to kill at the moment. My nerves have been flaring since last night, especially after sending that photo. I don't know why, but it felt more risque than any skivvie shoot I have done. And I have done quite a few of those. Some of which I was borderline nude, only a few scant articles of clothing on my body. But that? Seules les déesses savent pourquoi je ressentais ce que j’ai ressenti. (Only the goddesses know why I felt the way I did.)
After I finish my meal and pay, I start to head back to my apartment. It's not too far from there, this restaurant. So it'll be a brisk walk. Not that I mind. It's rather pleasant, the warm breeze and temperature. Almost makes me want to run. But then I remember what colic did to my body. How it robbed me of my racing career. I couldn't eat properly for months. I lost so much of my physique from that and how little I was able to move. It took a year and a half just to walk without pain. I'm surprised I wasn't bed-ridden for longer.
buzz
buzz
buzz
I recognize that pattern... Someone is calling me. Not texting. Calling. I pull my phone out of my pocket and see Victor's name on the screen. Been some time since I last talked to him. I should remedy that. It doesn't take long to hear him speak after I answer.
"Alors tu as vraiment répondu pour une fois. (So you actually answered for once.)" Well, he sounds happy to hear my voice.
"Ce n’est pas de ma faute si tu m’appelles habituellement quand je n’arrive pas à joindre mon téléphone. Tu sais à quel point je suis occupé. (It's not my fault you usually call me when I can't reach my phone. You know how busy I get.)" I tell him, fully expecting what kind of answer I'll recieve.
"Alors tu veux que je m’excuse de vouloir parler à ma sœur? Comme tu es chic de ta part. Le modèle haut et puissant. (So you want me to apologize for wanting to talk to my sister? How chic of you. The high and mighty model.)" His tone is condescending, but in that way that isn't with malice. More like what you'd expect from a younger sibling.
"Une sœur de la moitié du monde loin. Et Uma aussi. Souviens-toi de ça. (A sister from half the world away. And uma too. Remember that.)" I say in response, getting a chuckle from my little brother on the other end of the line.
"Oui, oui. Toujours ma sœur. Comment va Manhattan? J’ai entendu dire que tu avais récemment déménagé là-bas. (Yes, yes. Still my sister. How's Manhattan? I heard you recently moved there.)" I hear Victor ask, his tone lightening a little bit.
"La ville est vraiment belle. Jusqu’à présent, je suis allé dans trois des cinq arrondissements et ça ne fait même pas un mois que j’ai quitté le Japon. Il ne reste plus qu’à voir le Bronx et Staten Island à ce stade. (The city is really beautiful. So far, I've been to three of the five boroughs and it's not even been a month since I left Japan. All that's left to do is see the Bronx and Staten Island at this point.)" I tell him, though one thing is nagging at me: "Qui t’a dit que j’étais à New York? Ce n’était pas Père, n’est-ce pas? (Who told you I was in New York? It wasn't Père, was it?)"
"Non, non. Uh... Un de tes amis. Je l’ai rencontrée la dernière fois que je t’ai vue à ta remise des diplômes. Tosen, je crois qu’elle s’appelait. (No, no. Uh... One of your friends. I met her the last time I saw you at your graduation. Tosen, I think her name was.)" Jordan told him? Didn't know she exchanged numbers with Victor. She doesn't find him interesting in that kind of way, does she?
"Toi et Jordan, vous avez parlé? Je ne pensais pas que tu deviendrais un jour amie avec elle. (You and Jordan talk? I didn't think you'd ever become friends with her.)" The surprise is genuine in my voice. I... They never really seemed the kind to bond.
"Si je ne peux pas te joindre, je vais généralement la voir. Et je ne dirais pas qu’on est amis. Plutôt... connaissances. (If I can't reach you, I usually go to her. And I wouldn't say we're friends. More like... acquaintances.)"
I've been outside the building for what feels like an hour, just talking with Victor about anything that comes to mind. It's made me realize that I do really miss him. Maybe I can bring him down here at some point. Ce serait un spectacle à voir, non? (Wouldn't that be a sight to behold?) But for as nice as this was, it does need to end soon. I can't spend all day talking to my brother.
"Je dois y aller. J’ai une séance photo plus tard cet après-midi et je veux m’y préparer. (I need to go. I have a photo shoot later this afternoon and I want to be prepared for it.)" I say, defeat being evident in my tone. I know Victor can hear it. But he takes it in stride.
"Oui, oui. Le mannequinat et tout ça. Bonne chance. J’espère pouvoir te voir bientôt. Ça fait trop longtemps. (Yes, yes. Modeling and all that. Good luck. I hope to see you soon. It's been too long.)" Victor responds, his voice also sounding slightly defeated. "Bye. Je t’aime, Grande Sœur. (Bye. Love you, Big Sis.)" He then hangs up before I can say goodbye. Ne change jamais, petit frère. Ne changez jamais. (Never change, little brother. Never change.) I step inside the building and head to the 17th floor, making my way straight to my unit. Once I am inside, I slip off my shoes and head to the bedroom. I check the time before I do anything else though. 3:15. I know she's supposed to be here at four, but she is also early. So I need to change quickly. Not something I particularly like since I prefer to make sure everything looks good. But I can manage. I dress down to my skivvies, eventually taking off my bra but leaving the underwear on. I need something underneath the shorts. The bra? I'll have the bikini. No need for it. I quickly get the shorts and top on, followed by the sarong. I'll wait until Kati is here to put the sandals on. No need to have them on until then. So I grab them and head into the living room, lounging on the sofa, waiting for Kati. Thinking about... No. Focus. Be professional. I can have that kind of thought at a later date. But I have work to get done today. I can't afford to be distracted by fantasy.
I continue to lounge, reading from a few of the magazines I have appeared in over the years when I hear my phone buzz in the table. Must be Kati. I grab it to check and it is her.
I'm here. Best to not waste any time.' I like how she thinks. I quickly slip the sandals on my feet and make my way to the door, locking it once I'm on the other side. I then make my way to the elevator. Within a few minutes, I'm on the ground floor and see Kati in the lobby. I can see the gears turning in her head. It wouldn't be the first time I've elicited some kind of reaction in an on-looker, but this time... it seems to be mutual.
Be professional.
I'll try.
Trying is not an option. How fun...
I silence the internal dialogue so that I can talk to Kati.
"I see you're early, as per usual." I say when I reach her, voice carrying despite my internal thoughts. "Well, I try to be punctual." She responds, her voice steady but I can tell she's still having her own internal troubles. I... I still do not feel entirely comfortable making assumptions, but I've come to a point where the only explanation for things is that Kati is attracted to women. I feel bad for her. I'm not meaning to do this. But I guess some things can't be helped. Especially given these circumstances. "You ready?"
"No, actually. I'm not." I answer, in a sarcastic tone. Which I'm realizing may or may not have been a mistake, judging by the blush that Kati is desperately trying to hide. I should probably change the tone. "Yes, I'm ready. Are you?" It takes a second for Kati to respond, presumably because of her flustered state. But she does eventually speak up.
"Yeah. Let's get going." She says as she starts to walk off. No reason to linger here.
|-Later that afternoon. Roosevelt Lighthouse, 910 Main Street-|
Just don't ogle.
Just don't ogle.
Just don't ogle.
It's going to be hard this time. I know it will be. But I can get through this. I hope...
Igen. Dehogynem. Ne kételkedj magadban. (Yes. You can. Don't doubt yourself.)
"Is the representative already there?" I hear Gold ask, her eyes trained on me as I drive down the Queensboro Bridge.
"She said she'd be there at three. It's quarter after four right now." I say as I look at the clock an my dashboard. We're making good time so far despite the traffic. We quickly get onto the streets of Queens, making a u-turn onto Queens Plaza Street which quickly turns into Vernon Boulevard. Within a few minutes, we find ourselves driving onto the Roosevelt Island bridge, and from there, we make our way to the lighthouse. I see another car parked by the care center. Must be the LCP rep. I park
next to it, at which point I hear Gold undo her seat-belt, moving to exit the vehicle. Guess I should do the same.
We walk for a bit, mostly talking about what we're hoping to get out of this shoot. Though, I can't help but... get a bit distracted. Just... the way the afternoon sun reflects off her hair. It's mesmerizing. The curves of her bo-
Don't ogle.
Don't ogle.
Don't ogle.
Don't ogle.
Don't ogle.
"Any ideas of what you want to try?" I hear City say, snapping me out of the trance.
"I was hoping for a few close ups if that's alright with you." I respond, knowing that it will probably be the death of me. But Gold doesn't seem to notice that little idiosyncrasy.
"That's fine. I was hoping we'd get a few of those as well. What about when we're up on the balcony? Any ideas?" She then asks.
"Mid to close. Won't really have a good amount of space for long shots." I say, thinking about what kind of angles would work best up there. We eventually reach the lighthouse, and see a dark-skinned woman facing it. Guess she's the rep. She turns around, acknowledging me and Gold as she approaches us.
"Ah, you must be Kati and Gold City. I'm Ms. Pearson. I'm a representative from the LCP." She says in an introductory fashion holding out her hand for me to take it. I do so, shaking it with good intent. "Pleasure to meet you." I say, watching as the same pattern is repeated with Gold, who then takes her own turn to speak.
"I don't think you should be worried about us 'damaging' the lighthouse." She tells Ms. Pearson, wanting to assuage her fears.
"Oh, I don't think you will. Other members of the LCP? Maybe, but I don't. Also, I like some of the pieces you've been in. I'm a bit of a fashionista myself." Ms. Pearson says, clearly taking Gold by surprise. "Come on, I can unlock the door and get you up to the balcony."
"Actually, I was thinking we get a few photos from the ground first. If that's alright with you, of course." I interject before she can move very far.
"Oh, no problem. If you'll follow me."
flash
"Okay. That should be the last one. Think we can head up?" I hear Kati say while my eyes still filter out the light from the flash. I watch as Kati come closer, and for a split second I feel my heart flutter. But it then goes back to normal. That, or it was nothing. Most likely the latter. I take a deep breath, but not too loudly for anyone to notice. Though if they did, I could feasible come up with some kind of convincing excuse.
"These photos are being sent to T Magazine?" I hear Ms. Pearson ask as she slides the key into the lock.
"Yes. What I'm wearing are a few pieces they sent me the other day. I had Kati come by my apartment on Sunday to see what worked well together. This is what we came up with." I respond, indulging the representative in her hobby.
"Very interesting. I wish I had stayed with fashion while I was at NYU. Or at least kept it on as a minor." I hear her say as she pushes the door open, leading me and Kati up the steep stairway. Even though I'm not in platforms or heels, I do still watch where I put my feet. These steps are quite steep. We slowly make our way up, eventually reaching the top where Ms. Pearson unlocks another door.
"We don't usually have people up here aside from maintenance. No reason to have the doors unlocked." I hear her say as she gets the door unlocked. She pushes it open, and we all feel the breeze enter the space. One by one, we make our way onto the balcony. The view form up here is very nice. Especially when I look to my left. Manhattan looks stunning from up here and with the afternoon sun behind it. I then hear Kati speak up, immediately seeing an opportunity.
"Head to your left a bit. Poke your head out from the side. I wanna see how that looks." I suppose I could entertain her idea. And I do. I walk away from her for a step, disappearing around one of the octagonal walls of the light itself, I then poke my head around said corner. Within a few seconds, Kati has the shot lined up and then...
flash
My eyes adjust faster this time, but the next flash takes me by surprise. I stutter, flinch even. And Kati seems to take amusement with that.
"Heh. Scared ya?" I hear her say, taking pride in her mischief. I suppose I should have expected something like this. But alas, I did not.
"Any other ideas?" I ask, half sarcastic, half annoyed.
"Yeah, I'm gonna get up close. Is that okay?" She seems tense asking that.
"I have no issues." I respond, gesturing for her to approach.
Kati walks over, resting her back against the glass of the beacon as she lines up the shot.
"Turn around. I want to get one of you looking at Manhattan." I hear her say, and I oblige. I turn my back to hear, and hear the shutter go off. It's a nice change of pace to not be seeing the flash as I hear the shutter go off a few more times. "Okay. Turn back around." I oblige again, and once I'm facing Kati, I can feel my heart begin to beat faster. Not by much, but enough to be noticeable. Enough for me to feel it. But I manage to steel myself. Just in time for...
flash
|-That evening. 161 Bar & Grill Restaurant, 101 East 161st Street, the Bronx-|
After a drive back to her apartment so she can change, we came all the way to the Bronx. She saw this place and immediately said yes. All because I mentioned that it was close to my pad. And I... I don't know how to process that really.
"So you really live close to here?" Gold asks, her voice incredibly seductive in this moment, though I don't think she's intending it to be that way.
"Uh, yeah... Just on the other side of Yankee Stadium." I respond, trying to keep my cool. I watch as Gold swirls the straw in her glass. We finished eating a while ago, spending most of this time talking. "The stadium? What kind of events are hosted there?" She asks, clearly not knowing about New York's pride and joy.
"Baseball, primarily." I tell her, trying to keep my heart rate in check as it threatens to fly out of my chest.
"Really? Think I might go see one then." She responds, standing up in a clear gesture of wanting to be taken home. I suppose I can oblige. We've already paid for our meals. So I stand as well, grabbing my purse and slinging the strap around me. We both walk out and over to my car, sliding into our respective seats.
My phone automatically connects to the bluetooth and starts playing the last song I had cued. It takes me by surprise, primarily because I had forgotten what was about to play next, but before I can comment on the song...
"Oh... This... This is 'Iron Maiden', right?" I hear Citysay, seemingly recognizing the song and band.
"How... do you know them?" I ask, surprised she anything about heavy metal.
"An old boyfriend was into them. Introduced by his dad. Saw the artwork for the Maiden Japan release and it kinda snowballed from there. Says he was actually at the show where the record was taped. How do you know them?" She's genuinely interested in this. I can tell by the tone of her voice. Guess I better be honest.
"Met. He's big into metal and keeps bugging me to listen to some of it. I just sorta, caved in, I guess. Decided to listen to some of it last night." I tell her as the song slowly reaches a crescendo. For a heavy metal band, this acoustic track isn't half bad. It's actually pretty good. The atmosphere, the way the guitars sound. It's enchanting. Romantic, even... No. No, no, no. Not... Not that...
"Journeyman... I like this song. It's nice. A welcome respite from the volume they're known for." I hear Gold say, something that snaps me out of... whatever my mind was doing. In my periphery, I can see her holding my phone, looking at the song title on Spotify. She then sets my phone back into it's holster. "Sorry, I should've asked before doing that."
"No, no. It's okay. I don't mind. You can play the next song if you want." I say, interested in what her music taste is like. I won't be surprised if I hear idol groups and other assorted J-pop, but I am surprised to hear Like a Virgin play after Journeyman ends. That's just... What do I say to that?
"Madonna? Really?" That sounded... more accusatory and judgemental than I wanted it to. And it seems Gold has taken it that way.
"What? Were you expecting an idol group?" There's venom in her voice. Not too much, but enough to be noticeable to be felt. Now I feel like shit.
"I mean... I wouldn't have been surprised, but... And I'm not judging, but... Madonna? Wow." I need to find a way to recover from this.
"Do you not like Madonna?" She asks in a similar accusatory way.
"No. I love Madonna's music. Anya was a big fan. One of her favorite memories was buying a copy of Like a Virgin when she was 13. Very hard to do since, you know, vulgarity laws of the time in Hungary." I say, thinking that I've recovered from the situation. And with the way City reacts, it seems that I have.
"Really? Interesting." She responds, her interest being piqued.
"Yeah. I, uh... I actually have it. She gave it to me as a birthday present." I add, unsure if I should be talking about that.
"How sweet. You must've really loved her, I take it?" I hear Gold ask.
"Yeah... I miss her..." That last part is muttered and under my breath. But of course, Gold is an uma. She probably heard it loud and clear.
"How did we go from Iron Maiden, to Madonna, to Akeboshi and then to Deep Purple? Deep Purple? What?" I ask, completely dumbfounded by Gold's taste in music.
"Oh, Deep Purple is extraordinarily popular in Japan, even to this day. It was like Beatlemania when they came through in the 70s." She responds, chuckling slightly at my lack of knowledge. Guess I should ask Met if she's telling the truth. He's into Deep Purple as well. He should know that, right? We're passing through Little Italy right now, going down Mulberry street. Almost at her apartment, which means...
Lélegezz. Koncentrálj. Maradj a pillanatban. Ne tévesszen meg a fantázia. Erős vagy. Túljutsz ezen. (Breathe. Focus. Stay in the moment. Don't get sidetracked by fantasy. You're strong. You can get through this.)
But for how long? I've got a whole year to get through...
Menet közben kitaláljuk. Légy türelmes. (We'll figure it out as we go. Be patient.)
I feel a bit at ease after that, but I know it won't last long. Especially considering where it is my mind went last night, after Gold sent me that photo. That's... That's still bothering me. But I need to keep my composure for now. I need to focus on driving. We continue through Little Italy, which eventually gives way to Chinatown. Getting closer and closer, and my heart is... Well it's doing something. I just need to breathe, but I take care to not make it obvious. But Gold... Much like Met, she's got a sixth sense.
"Something wrong?" She asks, concern filling her eyes in the low light of the streets. "Uh, no. Nothing's wrong. Why do you ask?" I respond, trying to play it cool.
"You seem tense." Is the next thing I hear her say. I don't want to out myself like this, so I decide to lie.
"Probably nothing. I'm fine." I say, wanting nothing more than to put this little thing behind us. And it seems to work, Gold simply nodding and turning her head to look out the window. It doesn't take long for us to reach her apartment, but she doesn't move immediately. She lingers for a few seconds too long. Then, she takes a deep breath and speaks.
"Thanks for tonight. It was nice to do that again. I hope that these little outings continue to be a regular thing between us." She says, her voice as smooth as silk. I wonder... No. Not now.
"Any time you want to. You have my number. Just text or call." I tell her, trying to project confidence. I feel like I've failed, but Gold doesn't seem to notice as she slides out of her seat, exiting my car. Within a few seconds, she's in the building, leaving me alone with my thoughts. My sad and... depraved thoughts...
Miért kell így viselkednem? (Why do I have to be like this?)