Chapter Text
|-Monday evening. Noonan Towers, 929 Woodycrest Avenue, the Bronx, New York-|
"It'll just be me and her?" I ask, knowing where my mind will go as the conversation continues.
"Yes. Just you and Gold City. Not my usual MO, but when Tomo made this suggestion, I decided to make some modifications to my playbook." I hear Randy say, his voice calm and sturdy, but also... I don't know. Subterfuge? No. That's not right. It's like... He's trying to hide something but I can't pin down what. Maybe that's a part of the playbook: Make yourself seem weaker than you actually are. No. That's stupid. But there's something that's off. I know I'm not making things up. But no time to dwell on that.
"Tomo? That's her old manager?" I then ask.
"Yes. Not important to this discussion. I want you to go to her apartment, pick her up and then Roosevelt Island in two days to get a feel for the lighthouse again. See if her initial feelings about it were right. I want you there as a second opinion." He says, and that's when my heart starts to pound. Just me and Gold City... Szart... Most már benne vagy, Kati. (Shit... You're in for it now, Kati.)
I breathe, trying to steady myself. I can do this. I've dealt with worse. Much worse. We don't talk about the disastrous second girlfriend. Another deep breath. I need to focus.
"What time should I go and get her?" I ask, wanting to figure out more about his plan.
"Morning. But not too early. Gold isn't an early bird." He responds. I... guess that makes things a bit easier. Met's also a late riser, so it's something I'm used to.
"What time does she usually wake up?" I then ask, trying to get a feel for the situation. I don't have to wait long for Randy's response.
"Eight. But she lounges around and takes her time getting ready. So be there by ten." He then sends me a number by text. Ó Istenem... (Oh god...) "What I sent is her number. Text her. Call her. Do whatever. Just formulate a plan."
I feel my entire body starts shaking. Does... Does Gold City know that this has happened? She has to know. There is no way she doesn't. But as I'm about to ask...
"Before you ask: That was her idea." Well, I guess that answers that question. "I wouldn't just give out a client's phone number like this if I didn't have permission to." And that explains another thing that was nagging at my mind. But now... I have to... How am I gonna... Without completely shutting down?
Gyerünk, Kati... Meg tudod csinálni... (Come on, Kati... You can do this...) Don't let this stop you.
It's nothing. It'll pass by, just like every other infatuation you've had in the past. I need to find a way to deal with this. I can't keep locking up like this. Not when it's the bottom line we're talking about. And it starts by simply texting her. It cannot be that hard. It just can't be. Or should I call? Then I'd have to hear... Oh no. Repress the thought. Repress it. I can't fold like this. I just can't. I'm stronger than this. I know that I'm stro-
"Kati? You there?" I hear Randy on the other end, completely forgetting I was in a call with him.
"I, uh... Yeah. I'm fine." I respond, totally not sounding suspicious.
"You sure? You were silent for five minutes. I thought the line went dead." He then says, clearly concerned. Five minutes? Valóban? (Really?) I then hear Randy's voice again. "I need to go. I'm meeting with the head of a big fashion blog here in New York tomorrow and Wednesday. Good luck." He then hangs up, leaving me with my thoughts. Just breath. Deep and low. Szedd össze magad. (Collect yourself.) You can do this. It'll be okay. I just... Need some time to think about this.
Five minutes turn into ten. Which then turns into twenty. Which then turns into an hour. I'm frozen. The world keeps spinning and I simply stay in place. Every possible thought goes through my head and I can't stop them. But I need to. I can only imagine how pathetic she thinks I am in this moment. Or rather, lack there of. The little icon taunts me. That green circle with the white, vintage phone in the middle. Come on. You can do this... I lift my finger, preparing to touch the button and call Gold City, but I hesitate. What if she's annoyed? Or worse, disappointed? I freeze again. Fear is now getting the better of me. And that's the worst feeling to have in a situation like this. Think of something. Anything. My mind races. Disjointed and unsteady until it somehow manages to find a rock. My friends. Mark. Jessica. Met. Met... Meteor Hammer. Take a page out of his book. Just go for it. Consequences be damned. The thought hits me like a truck. Before I can give it any more thought, my finger moves, hitting the button. The call starts. And I wait. My heart begins to beat fast. At first, a dull little thud. But over time, it becomes something far more. A set of toms that college marching bands use during a football game. Then the rhythmic slamming of a hammer against an anvil until it becomes this pounding menace that feels like it'll make my ears ring. I can't hear anything save for my heart. The dial tone keeps going while this is happening. Either things go smoothly... or they end in an inferno. I try to steady myself again. Deep breaths. Be és ki. Mély és alacsony. (In and out. Deep and low.) It seems to work but my heart is still racing... and then Gold City actually answers the call.
"Kati, I'm assuming? I was beginning to think you chickened out on me." She says. But she doesn't sound annoyed or angry. Calm. Like she was waiting patiently. Almost... knowing my internal conflict and having faith that I would contact her. Best to make our plans.
|-That same evening. One West Luxury Apartments, 1 West Street, Manhattan-|
I have a name for this. What it is I am feeling: Attraction. The kind you feel when it's someone you fancy in a certain way. That much is definite. I can say that without a problem. Just the thought of it causes my tail to sway slightly. I've felt that kind of attraction before, but... never towards another woman. It was always men. This is new. This is uncharted territory. And I have no idea how to navigate these waters because there is still so much about this that I don't know: When did this begin? Was it present when I first came across Kati's photography? How can I, someone who was so certain of my sexuality, be so blind-sided by this? And the most pressing question of them all: Why is this so familiar?
I roll over onto my back, tail settling stiff against the mattress. I must have felt this way about another girl before. Or at least, something similar. But when? That is the problem. I just... can't seem to recall any moment where I felt something like this. If this has happened before, in my childhood, why am I incapable of remembering it? Is it tied to something that was... traumatic? No. That doesn't make sense in any way. My childhood was good. Not normal by any stretch of the imagination, but it wasn't bad. I was a fairly happy child and I can recall a whole myriad of memories from that time. So why am I drawing a blank on this? And this specifically?
I don't know how long it's been. It could have been a few minutes or a few hours, but my mind is still racing. Kati... Just what is it about you that I find so attractive? Is it your form? Your eyes? Your smile? The way nerves will get the better of you? It is very cute to see. Maybe it's her personality. The way she seems to lighten any space she walks into. And it's infectious. I can't help but feel whatever she feels at any given moment. I've come to expect that much from the time I've spent with her so far.
...
Perhaps it's a combination of everything I've mentioned and thought about. Or maybe it's none of them and that it's something else entirely. I find myself being partial to the former. The last time I felt this kind of attraction, it was a combination of many factors. I just wish that... it was truly mutual. I don't have much time to ruminate on my thoughts when my phone begins to ring. I sit up and search, eventually finding it. It's someone who isn't in my contacts list. But my gut is telling me that I know who it is. I did tell Randy to give her my number so that we can coordinate things. I take the little black box, take a deep breath and answer, setting it on speaker mode.
"Kati, I'm assuming? I was beginning to think you chickened out on me." Is how I open the conversation.
"What? Me? Chicken out? No. Never." I can hear the tension in her voice. That internal conflict of hers is still being fought. She'll make it out, though. I know she will. "So, uh... Randy said that the next shoot will just be me and you. He's not messing with us, is he?" I then hear her ask, wanting to know if that is actually the plan.
"No. That is the plan. Before you ask, no, I don't understand why either." I can tell Kati's not satisfied with my answer, but she doesn't press the issue.
"Oh, well... He, uh... He told me a few things. Not much of an early bird?" She's right. I don't like being up early.
"I prefer to sleep in, yes." I respond, confirming what she was told. "Well, in that case, ten on Wednesday then?"
This call should have ended hours ago, but it just keeps going and going and going. Every time I feel like we've reached the end of the road, a new topic comes up and the motions begin anew. And strangely, I don't mind it. In fact, I welcome it. More than I was ever expecting to. Just as I thought, Kati is a fascinating person: The way she talks about her friends. Her views on life. Her perspective on modeling and why she became a photographer. It's so... alluring. And all the while, I feel my heart skip every so often. This truly is attraction that I'm feeling, and for now, I will live with this. I don't want dwell on it. Not yet.
"This 'Met' you know sure sounds... friendly." I say, taking in what Kati has said about one of her friends.
"Well, he never means anything by it. I just wish he didn't sound like an asshole whenever he does it." I hear her chuckle on the other end, clearly remembering this fondly. But I then hear her sigh. This might be the end of the road for now.
"It's... getting pretty late. I should get some sleep." I hear, disappointment evident in her voice. "I'll swing by at ten on Wednesday. Wear something comfortable. Don't be like Randy with that leather jacket of his."
That statement gets a chuckle out of me. "Noted. I'll see you then. Goodnight." I hang up after saying that, my heart still fluttering. It's one thing to acknowledge that you experience attraction to the same sex. But to accept something like that? I... I don't know if I have the courage. Not yet. I know that I will muster up the courage to accept this, but at this current stage, I can't. It's all... so much. So much to take in. So much to process. Goddesses help me. I truly need it.