Chapter Text
It was an average afternoon in the Slick Household. Sandra had just finished making pancakes. "Children, I've made- BARRY!" She yelled at that stupid slob of a gnome.
Barry burped and threw a soda can at Sandra. "Get me beer! Hahaha, women." A gross smell emanates from him, making the garden shriek and pass out. "AHHHHHHH! HELP WE'RE BEING RAPED!!" The flowers scream for oxygen until, suddenly, Barry opens the window and throws trash onto them. "That's a job well-"
"God, you smell like shit!" Tom slaps Barry, leaving a usual red mark on his face.
"What is it to you!" Barry angrily screams, looking at an annoyed Sandra with the belt and Tom rolling his eyes, "Take a shower, fucking dweeb!"
"No! This is unfiltered aura! You let Pogo mooch off of you!" He diverts the situation, trying to make the fact that he smells like shit any less disgusting! Barry's belly is bulging out of his unbuttoned, smelly shirt with food all over it!
"Says the guy who hasn't even stopped watching the Gnome Lockers!" Tom retorted smugly; a flashback suddenly plays from last night when Barry unzips his pants and starts sobbing about his dick size: "Waaaa!!!! Not only am I in debt. I have a small weiner. How will I ever get my lockmate!" He sobs at the TV like a pathetic worm.
"Oh, Clerise. I will definitely not rape you or kill your kids tomorrow because I'm a registered serial killer that happens to have a Vampire gene! I hope you accept me for who I am, not what I will do to you!" His awful Transylvanian accent is heard from a distance. Clerise sobs at the shallow wedding ring like it solves the burning house in the background, with the grandmother screaming, "HELP! WE NEED TO PURGE THE SUPERNATURAL! CLERISE, DON'T!!! FUCKING BITCH!" She screamed as loud as she could, but no one answered.
"I forgive you!" Clerise and Mason make out sloppily, giving Barry a hard-on! "Oh man, it's happening again..." Barry whimpers, getting ready to unzip just as the make-out gets a little touchy! Suddenly, Barry hears hysterical sobbing. Angelica is right there: "Oh, Mason! How dreamy of a vampire you are! Waaaaa!!!" She comically sobs, her tears filling the couch from the emotional breakup scene amidst the house fire, the death of the grandmother and accepting a literal registered murderer and future rapist!
Angelica notices Barry staring right at her with those yellow, crooked teeth, a rose in his mouth. "I heard you like blood-sucking vampires- Ow!" He gets slammed by a pan from the kitchen and then repeatedly spanked on the ass by Angelica. "Pull your pants down, and I'm reporting your ass to the Gnome Mafia! Understood?" She threatens Barry, who shakes under the couch. "Okay, mommy- I mean Tom's sister!"
"Good." Angelica storms upstairs, leaving the entire living room a fucking wreck, with destroyed curtains, lubricant on the counters and a sudden gunshot coming from Tom's room, which means Pogo attempted suicide, as usual. "That fucking clown gets in the way of everything!" Barry screams out loud.
"But it was for assassin training!" Barry's grin widens, clearly thinking Tom would buy that bullshit fucking lie.
"Cut the shit, Barry. You and Pogo..." He points accusingly at Barry and a drunk Pogo on the couch, singing " Twinkle Twinkle Little Star in a creepy tone.
"I'll never hang with that loser of a clown!" Barry shakes his head, refusing even to let Tom beat his ass if it meant following the rule.
"I'll give you some money... Gnomes like money! Right?" Tom smugly showed Barry a thousand dollars in his wallet, hypnotizing him. "Okay, okay! I'll do everything you say!"
"Oh, really? Then join Pogo in being a pilot. Now all of you, out." He casually grabs Barry by the ass and Pogo by his goofy hat and kicks them out of the house!
"Man, the work culture here is insane!" Pogo giggles at Barry, making his eye twitch. "I am actually so fucking cooked..."
"Haha, Silly Barry! We're not gonna be chefs!" Pogo pinches Barry's cheek and lets go. "Whoopsies, not St. Patrick's Day!"
"Kill me, please..." Barry whimpers, "Me too! We're gonna be best friends! Let's go apply at Skyline Airlines!"
At Skyline Airlines, Pogo stands in front of the interviewer, excited, The Interviewer's deadpan expression on display!
"Are you a fucking clown?!" He asks, making Pogo nod cheerfully with a loud bang in his backpack, "Ahhh! He stuffed me here-"
"Oh, that's my emotional support friend, Barry! He's not applying. He's just helping!"
"Uh, huh. What can you do as a pilot?" He stares right at Pogo, making him stammer for a moment. "Oh, I can do balloon animals!"
"AHHHHHHHH!!!!" Barry screams for dear life as Pogo casually pulls his intestines to make a balloon doggie! The Interviewer sighs, "Is that the gnome's insides?"
"Yeah, he even screams too! Wanna see me pop it?" Pogo blushes at the interviewer, inching closer! "Please say yes! SAY YES, SAY YES- Fuck it, I'm doing it!"
"NO NO NO! GUYS, HELP-" The fleshy balloon pops, making Barry die on the spot, and the interviewer laughs his ass off, falling off the chair, "HAHAHAHA!!!"
"Did I do good?" Pogo hopes, excitedly bouncing from the seat! "I call it an art form! You see, it represents like when I popped out of my mom's uterus-"
"You're hired!" The interviewer stamps on Pogo's blurred passport, allowing him to become a pilot! Pogo jumps high, touching the ceiling, with a dead Barry falling to the floor with a thud! "I can't wait to tell Tom! He'll be so happy that I'm making money! When do I go to work?!"
"At 7AM at the Airport!" The interviewer prances across the room, exiting through the back door, and a holographic sign says, "Congrats!"
Back at Tom's House, Tom hears Pogo open his door. "What?" Tom filed his nails, annoyed at Pogo's entrance.
"I got the job! Yay! Got any recommendations? I don't even know how to fly a plane! What if I create the sequel to 9/11?! What if I commit terrorism by spilling soda in the cockpit!" Pogo freaks the fuck out, stammering over his words before sobbing on Tom's black shirt! "I don't wanna lose the job!"
"Quit being a fucking baby! You will march right to the airport, drive that fucking plane and take out our newest enemy!" Tom slaps Pogo and pulls out a diagram with a hit list printed on the table!
"That's your job. You're going to hit these fucking towers. There will be terrorists on board that plane, and I want my first hit to be a complete explosive cinematic set with action, bombs, boobies and of course the immortal cameraman. That's you, Pogo. The cameraman who watches a disaster film and stands there, saying nothing. Now GO GO GO! Because they'll arrive at that plane at 5AM sharp. You DON'T want to miss it." Tom says with a grim expression before laughing, "Haha. You thought I was joking, huh?"
"Wait, you're serious? All of that?! You're actually gonna kill people?!" Pogo is more shocked that Tom wasn't fucking around.
"Yeah?! The Terrorists are gonna be extra sneaky. They know we know they're coming. That's why you're in charge. If the plane crashes, you survive and take the blame!" Tom commands Pogo, nudging his arm and pointing him to the bed, "Now, sleep. You wanna protect the nation, right?"
"..." Pogo stands there for a moment, looking sympathetic. He nods, "I mean, I wouldn't want a plane crash; that's horrible!"
Meanwhile, Barry has been eavesdropping on Tom and Pogo, his smelly breath still raping the flowers. "Haha, that brat got a job as a pilot? Oh, that's RICH! Hahaha." His laugh echoed, clearly wanting to do something evil!