Chapter Text
When she woke in the morning, Gurathin was already up. He’d made coffee and brought back egg burritos from one of the station shops. She could see from what he wore that he hadn’t gone home, but he’d tidied his hair as much as possible.
He looked anxious. But he often looked anxious and she couldn’t read the specific flavor of whatever he was poking at.
“Thank you for last night,” he said.
She couldn’t read his tone. Her heart ached both for him and for herself. Knowing he had feelings and also knowing she’d promised him that last night obligated him to nothing, she simply said, “Any time, honey.”
If he wanted to walk out and treat last night’s confession like it never happened, she needed to let him. No matter how much her own heart ached, no matter how much she would have liked to be closer. He’d trusted her and she needed to honor that.
He’d brought burritos for two though. He sat down at her small table and ate his with dogged determination and many stolen glances at her face. She tried not to watch him too obviously but she couldn’t resist sneaking peeks. She felt a flush creep into her cheeks.
Finally the tension wore her down. She reached out and lay a hand over his. “You told me last night you had feelings. Nothing needs to change, but if you would like things to change, I might as well tell you that I have feelings for you too.”
He blinked rapidly. “It isn’t that I’m not interested. It’s that I can’t bear to lose you. I won’t be what you want.”
His voice radiated such misery. And yet he kept stealing glances at her face. Was it wishful thinking or was there hope buried under the tension?
Whatever came of this, she couldn’t let him walk away from this without challenging his blunt declaration of his own inadequacy. Because that’s what lay at the core. He didn’t think that the two of them were poorly matched or that she had unreasonable expectations, but that he himself fell short.
“Compatibility is important, of course. It’s not my intention to pressure you. But I’m curious why it is you see us as so incompatible?”
“I hold people too tight. I’m afraid of losing them and then I cling too hard and chase them away.”
“It’s interesting that you describe yourself that way. Because to me, so often I want to be closer. I wish you’d let me in more, as a friend if not a lover. I haven’t wanted to scare you off by chasing after.”
“I never wanted to hurt your feelings.”
“Oh honey, you haven’t. You’re here every time I need someone to lean on. It’s just that I’ve wanted to return the favor.”
He relaxed a little at that. No, she thought, relax wasn’t quite the right word. The tension in him shifted and became less laden in self-doubt and misery. He met her gaze and something in him opened up.
“I’m possessive. I do cling to people. I’ve done therapy—”
Therapy modules, she thought, but didn’t interrupt.
“—and I can recognize certain impulses but there are things about me not easily changed. I don’t think I can do a group marriage. And I don’t want to enter into something brief and transient, then get asked to step aside when you meet someone you can actually plan a family with.”
She was still absorbing that when he rushed to correct himself. “Not that anyone can guarantee that a relationship lasts forever, of course I wouldn’t expect—”
She squeezed his hand. “Gura, I didn’t take it that way.”
He smiled a bit self-consciously. It still lifted her heart to see him smile at all.
“Group marriages are common here but not universal, you know. And I don’t think Ratthi will ever marry at all. And as for me, I’ve done duet relationships before. In fact, it’s my preference.”
“It is? I thought it was seen as…unenlightened here.”
“It’s jealousy and possessiveness which are unenlightened. And one way to avoid that is to know your own tendencies and seek out a relationship which meets your needs.”
“It didn’t work out though?”
“For unrelated reasons,” she assured him.
He nodded, taking her at her word. “There’s another thing. I don’t want children. I just can’t.”
“Why is that?”
His face twisted into a bitter smile. “What idiot would trust me with a child? I’d never trust myself. They’re so vulnerable, so trusting. So easy to mistreat. To insist on controlling, telling myself it's so they won't get hurt. So fragile, to the rest of the world but also to me. I’d be a horror.”
“It’s not dislike of them, then?”
“No, not at all. I love being uncle to Mensah’s crowd. I have fun with them and then someone else does the hard parts. But being a parent myself? I don’t think I can grow into that.”
“That’s actually one way in which we’re compatible then. Because I don’t want children either.”
“You don’t? But you’d make such a wonderful mother!” He spoke with such artless sincerity that it warmed her heart.
“Thank you, that’s a lovely compliment. I love my nieces and nephews. But I have other priorities.” She took a moment to brace herself against old hurt. “Not wanting children of my own is why some of my previous relationships didn’t work out.”
He gripped her hand. “I’m sorry. It’s just not something that can be resolved via compromise, right?”
“Exactly. And one person I was with…He thought he would be all right not having kids when he was younger. But as he matured, his desires changed. Or perhaps his understanding of his desires.”
He squeezed her hand once more. “Other priorities, you said. Like your survey work?”
“Yes, although now I’m not planning to continue.”
“You’ll find other roles,” he assured her. “Like your documentary.”
She found herself blinking away tears. “You’re the first person I’ve told about stepping away from surveying. My family is starting to suspect but I’ve put them off.”
“You’ve done your part. No one could fault you for seeking a change.”
“Thank you. I’m going to miss the others so much though.”
“Whereas selfishly, I’ll be glad to see more of you here.”
Oh but he had to stop smiling at her like that. It wasn’t fair of him to smile that way when he was so close yet not within reach. She felt a blush creeping into her cheeks.
And then he looked down and the same anxiety crept back into his face.
“I won’t be what you want. I try to control things, I close myself off, I withdraw from certain kinds of touch…”
“Gura. Can’t you make that a question and not a statement?”
He blinked as if startled. Then his brow furrowed as he considered. “I’m afraid I won’t be what you need.” His brow furrowed even deeper and he hastily added, “That’s still not a question, sorry. But it all comes so easily to everyone here.”
“Intimacy or sex? Or both?”
“Both. But I was thinking of sex. Someone like me…it might seem okay at first, to work around my issues. But there’s this expectation of healing here. Or for things to be even better than before the were broken.” His hand fluttered and waved toward the mending on his sweater.
“Kintsugi,” Bharadwaj said. “Mending something without hiding the original damage.”
He nodded. “So that it’s even more beautiful, and functional as well.”
“The term comes from repair of pottery. But did you know that for pottery, pieces repaired this way still can’t withstand the same use as they once did?”
Suddenly she was the focus of his intense interest, as if the piece of him which had looked inward at his own fears now shifted to her words alone.
“Pieces repaired with kintsugi shouldn’t be put in automatic cleaners or heaters. Care must be taken even with hand cleaning. They shouldn’t be exposed to direct sunlight. They should be extra well padded if shipped or stored.”
He laughed a little. “No direct sunlight? I can’t tolerate direct sun either, due to my skin. At least not without special care.” His hand fluttered toward his face. “It’s almost too on the nose as metaphor, right?”
“I’d say it’s just right. But another thing it seems no one’s told you. You’re not the only one who struggles in this area. Perhaps it’s less common on Preservation than in the Rim. But we’re not immune to trauma, and healing doesn’t always mean returning to the same state as before. And for that matter, for some people, some of these struggles seem inborn.”
He took a moment to absorb that. “It’s not that I’d wish these struggles on anyone else. But it is nice to know I’m not…” he waved a hand at himself, “…uniquely incapable.”
“We both have feelings for each other. I think what this comes down to is, do you trust me to treat you gently, as a thing of great worth? Do you trust yourself enough to endure my touch, even if it is gentle in intent? Can you stop me from hurting you? Because I think that’s the only real way to break both our hearts. To let me hurt you. I think we could be well matched. Nothing needs to change, but if you’d like to try, I would too.”
Accept any answer, she told herself. No matter what comes next, accept it with a smile and make sure he knows he’s still your dear friend.
He looked her straight in the eyes. The deeper she looked, the more hope rose in her heart.
“I do want to try. I just ask for your patience.” He opened his arms and stepped forward, the look on his face a bit like that of someone to dive into possibly cold water.
Bharadwaj didn’t care. Her heart was soaring. She stepped into his arms and he held her tightly.