Chapter Text
"The two augmented humans GrayCris had sent to kill Dr. Mensah had been less sentient than hauler bots; somebody had kept them drugged and docile, waiting for the right moment for deployment." - Network Effect, Martha Wells
Take shelter. Bharadwaj was in her office in another meeting regarding mining rights when she received SecUnit’s feed message.
She immediately stood up and locked the door.
Her contact blinked at her, confused.
“Security drill,” she said with an awkward smile. “I’m sorry for the disruption. We can continue though, it’s not likely to last long.”
She focused on the meeting, because this was something she could do for Mensah. Maintain normalcy, stay on good terms with Preservation’s business partners, make sure the trouble with GrayCris didn’t disrupt everyone else’s life any more than necessary.
Thankfully her visitor today was someone she’d dealt with before and genuinely enjoyed meeting. If they’d lived in the same polity, they’d have been friends.
The Hostiles down, remain in shelter for cleanup message came 10 minutes later. So it hadn’t been a false alarm. Bharadwaj felt an odd mix of relief that it had been handled and tension over knowing that something had happened.
The final all clear came about 20 minutes after that. Bharadwaj brought her meeting to a close and sent everyone from the survey quick hug sigils in the feed.
Mensah updated the group survey team channel. Everything’s fine. SecUnit and our security team handled it. SecUnit required medical treatment, but it’s recovered completely and it’s with me now. It and Gurathin are assisting security with incident analysis.
Mensah was too good at using the feed without subvocalizing. The words were as neutral as if they’d been typed. Bharadwaj wondered exactly what had happened, but she couldn’t ask over the feed. Even with SecUnit around to monitor for eavesdroppers, they’d agreed to keep sensitive information off the feed.
Bharadwaj sent, Do you want more company?
Not tonight, thank you for asking though.
It wasn’t surprising that Mensah felt the urge to withdraw a bit. Bharadwaj would just have to hug her extra tight the next time they met.
Later than night, Gurathin messaged her. How are you doing?
I’m fine. It didn’t even disrupt my meeting. How about you?
OK. May I come see you, actually?
He arrived at her door looking tense and weary. She took his hand and drew him inside.
“Everything’s all right now,” he said.
“Can you tell me much about what happened?”
“It’s what we’ve been fearing. GrayCris sent assassins. If they’d just read their own fucking reports, they’d know to leave us alone. SecUnit identified them as soon as they disembarked, but the agents were heavily augmented. Not like me.” His hand rose, fluttered near his data port, then dropped again. “They wouldn’t…”
“Gura, sit with me.”
She led him to her bed. They sat side by side. Bharadwaj took his hand.
“It took our whole security team to stop one of them, and SecUnit assisted. Then SecUnit chased the second one and took him down just before he got to Mensah. SecUnit says Mensah could have reached out and touched him. That’s how close he came. And she can’t even tell anyone. She has to carry that all alone.”
“Not all alone,” Bharadwaj said firmly. “It’s awful that she can’t tell her family. But she has you, and SecUnit, and all of us. We’re not going to let her be alone in this. And I’m not going to let you be alone in it either.”
He pressed his free hand to his mouth, fighting back a reaction to that.
“Tell me, honey.”
Haltingly, he said, “They’re dead now. It’s better. The way they were augmented…it’s not like what you’ve seen. It’s…there wouldn’t have been much of anything left of them. I shouldn’t even tell you this.”
“You shouldn’t carry it alone,” Bharadwaj said firmly.
“I don’t want…I’m just going to upset you.”
“This hits at you, not me. I have my own weak spots, which you’ve guarded. Please tell me Gura, it’s going to suck but I can feel how badly you want someone to understand, if only a little.”
He turned and looked at her face, his eyes searching. She met his gaze steadily. He swallowed and nodded.
“We call it augmentation but it’s not. Augmentation adds. What was done to them…it replaces. And I think sometimes about if I’d tested a little lower, if I’d fallen a little faster and deeper into addiction…no, I was probably too old by the time it got bad. Gotta get them while the flesh is young and strong. So you can scoop out the self-ness and make a cheaper version of a construct, one with less metal and less brains.”
“Oh, Gura.”
His free hand went to his elbow, pressing down hard. “I just keep thinking it could have been me.”
“Come here.”
She took him in her arms. Finally he gave way to the tears he’d been resisting. Even now each sob felt like it was being wrenched out of him. He wasn’t one to let go easily, Bharadwaj thought.
“Don’t fight it. I know this hurts but don’t fight it.”
She wasn’t sure how long his reaction lasted. When the tears stopped, she continued to hold him close. Eventually he sniffed messily and pulled away a little. She patted his shoulder, then got up and brought the tissues and water, just as he’d done for her not long ago. He retreated into the bathroom to blow his nose.
He emerged looking awkward.
“Gura, I don’t think you should be alone tonight. Will you stay here?”
“I…that’s all right. I’m all right.”
“You don’t need to be not all right to accept a little moral support. And I’d feel better having you close.”
He hesitated. He’d drawn in on himself the way he always did when stressed, and yet he wasn’t trotting out some standard assurance or excuse.
“I don’t mean to pressure you. I just want you to know you’re welcome here. Wanted, even.”
“Thank you. It’s a kind offer. It’s just there’s something I should tell you. I don’t want to do anything on false pretenses.”
His eyes rolled up as they did so often in moments of intense emotion. Bharadwaj waited. A moment later he was able to continue. “I have certain feelings. For you, I mean.”
She’d wondered just a little when she’d complimented his smell and he acted so pleased.
“I wasn’t sure you felt those “certain feelings,” as you put it, for anyone,” she admitted. “But you know it’s not going to be a problem for me.”
He hunched over, gripping his arms with bruising strength. She laid a hand on his, willing him to let go before he hurt himself.
“Gura. No matter what comes next, tonight I just want you to be with someone. I’m not up for anything sexual, not tonight. Even if you were, which I suspect you’re not.”
“You all say these things so casually.” He smiled wryly. With some apparent effort, he let go of his elbows but then immediately clenched his hands. She once again put a gentle hand over his.
“I know these things are complicated. But tonight doesn’t need to be, if you don’t want it to be. I’d like you to lie down and rest, and I’d like to lie down next to you. Or if not next to you, near you. The couch unfolds into a guest bed which one of us could use. I want to be a place of rest and safety for you, the way you have been to me.”
That triggered more tears. These came easier than his earlier wrenching fought-back muffled sobs. She opened her arms just a little, a hint rather than the clear signal she sometimes gave him. He leaned in and lay his head on her shoulder.
Eventually the second storm passed.
“Would you like to lie down with me?”
He wavered.
“Honey, I just don’t think you should be alone tonight.”
“All right,” he said in a small voice.
After that came the awkward practicalities. Bharadwaj found a spare toothbrush while Gurathin hovered nearby, obviously feeling out of place. She put on a oversized t-shirt to sleep in. She had nothing that would fit Gurathin, but he stripped down to a single layer, a light cotton shirt that he wore under his sweater.
And then it was time to lie down.
Gurathin hesitated. “If I respond oddly…” He trailed off.
“I’m honestly not sure if you mean more tears, an erection, or nightmares. But it’s all fine.”
He laughed a little.
“I’m not sure either,” he admitted. “I just know it’s been a long time.”
“Do you have a preferred side of bed?”
“The left.” His hand fluttered self-consciously near his ear, then withdrew. “I often sleep on my side, and I don’t like pressure on my data port.”
They lay down. He took the position of big spoon and despite all his earlier shyness, he pulled her close.
Bharadwaj let out a sigh. It felt nice, having another warm body next to hers. But more than that, he was letting her help. She’d ached to give back some of the comfort he offered her any time she was upset. So often he closed himself off. Regardless of what happened in the morning, she’d treasure this night.
The side snuggles didn’t last. He proved restless, turning on to his back, then each side in turn, his legs moving restlessly and eventually kicking as if due to some unwelcome nerve or muscle signal.
“Sorry,” he muttered.
“Don’t be. I’m not short on sleep right now. The point of you being here is that I want to be with you. I don’t want you to worry about how often you roll over. But if me being next to you is stressing you, I can move to the guest bed.”
“No!” He gripped her hand. “It’s just a bit embarrassing.”
She squeezed back.
“Would a massage help?”
“Not tonight. You’re just stuck with me thrashing, I’m afraid. It’s one of those things.”
“Mmm.”
Then, to her surprise, his hands went to her back. His deft fingers began seeking out every knot and tense spot.
“If I’m not being too forward here…”
“Mmm no! It feels so nice.” Whatever hesitation he felt about being touched evidently didn’t apply to touching her. Another noise slipped out as he hit a tense muscle.
“Did that hurt?”
“No, no, keep going! It feels amazing!”
He worked her back for some time. She’d deliberately avoided fantasizing about his hands. Now she couldn’t help but think of how deft and strong they were, how his black nail polish might stand out against her own skin if she could see him work.
She tried not to indulge excessively. Now wasn’t the time. But when his hands began to work the small muscles along her ribs, the ones close to the sides of her breasts, she couldn’t hold back a sharp inhalation. It wasn’t quite a gasp but he must have heard the shift in tone. His hands stilled and then withdrew.
“I’m sorry.” A moment later he added bitterly, “I should have known I couldn’t trust myself here.”
She turned to face him. “Couldn’t trust yourself? Gura, I didn’t mind!”
“You said nothing sexual.”
“Because I didn’t want to pressure you. Because I was afraid you’d regret it and it would come between us as friends. Honey, if it was just down to what I want myself, I’d say yes in a heartbeat.”
He’d pulled back his hands and clenched them together.
“We can talk about it,” she tried.
“I can’t. I’m sorry, I know that’s how people do things here. You talk about everything. But I just can’t right now.”
“Gura, there’s just one thing I need to know for certain. Is this some kind of self-harm? Or something you’re doing because it feels bad in a way that distracts you from whatever else you’re going through?”
“It’s not,” he said quickly. “It feels good to make you feel good. It’s just hard knowing I can’t be what anyone wants.”
“Honey, you don’t have to be anything but yourself for me. If you get me in a certain state and then want to stop, it just means I’ll step into the other room for a bit. And as for you, I want you to be free to feel whatever feelings that are in you and need to get out.”
His eyes rolled up at that, and he brushed away tears when the moment passed. How many tears does he have stored up? Bharadwaj wondered.
“It won’t last. If this is the only time, if this is all, do you still want me to?”
The thought hurt but he was right here, warm and alive and so beautiful. “I do,” she whispered.
He drew her close and ran his fingers through her hair. Despite his earlier hesitation, he pressed kisses along her neck with confidence and enthusiasm. He moved from her neck down to her breasts and oh, she felt this right to her core.
His fingers traced her shoulders and worked down her spine. One hand found its way to her buttock and gave her a firm squeeze while the other lifted up her shirt. She wriggled it further up. He continued to grip her buttock while his mouth found her nipple.
The heat between her legs grew and he hadn’t even touched her there yet. Meanwhile she could feel his erection growing and pressing against her leg, but she already knew the implicit rule: he was in charge of touching. It wasn’t how she normally approached lovemaking. She put her hands on his shoulders to stop herself from exploring everything else.
How on earth had he thought he would be bad at this? But maybe that wasn’t the source of his anxiety. Bharadwaj had no time to wonder though. His expert tongue teased and worked her nipple while his hands discovered just how much she liked having his fingers lightly tease her knees.
She cried out, her back arching and her cunt pulsing. He’d brought her to this state without even touching her there. He began teasing her nipple with gentle little bites and licks while his fingers worked their way up her thighs, slowly drawing closer.
Then he stiffened and thrust once against her. Hot seed shot out. Bharadwaj had just a moment to enjoy the delicious mess of it when Gurathin began apologizing.
“Sorry, sorry!”
“Don’t be!”
“I don’t always.”
Bharadwaj wasn’t sure what he meant. He didn’t always orgasm? Or didn’t come so soon? But she had no time to think. He’d pulled his hands away briefly after he came but he put them back, teasing and sliding up her thighs. His fingers found her entrance. She should do more to check on him, she thought, but she had no time. His fingers began to thrust and tease and she could think of nothing else.
It took only a moment for him to find that sweet spot, that angle and motion that hit her clit just enough and not too much. She cried out as waves of orgasm rolled through her.
He stroked her hair as the waves passed. She lay against the pillow limp and happy.
“I’ll clean up.” He bolted for the bathroom, avoiding her gaze. Bharadwaj let out a sigh. He was going to break her heart. Half with whatever had left him struggling so hard to accept care and affection, half because she doubted she’d ever get to do this again.
She hoped it hadn’t been a misstep to accept this. But what was done was done. While he was occupied, she quickly stripped off and replaced the sheets.
When he emerged, he glanced at the bed and his face broke out into a shy smile. “You changed them.” He sounded touched, as if she’d done him some special favor.
She just smiled, relieved that he hadn’t withdrawn as much as she feared. She quickly took her turn cleaning herself and came out of the bathroom to find him standing next to the bed.
“May I…?”
“Of course!”
And to her absolute delight, he took up the position of big spoon once again.
Except while her own orgasm had left her whole body relaxed and happy, his didn’t seem to have done much for him. He kicked and twisted even more than before, as if unable to find any position which gave him more than momentary comfort.
At one point he let out a frustrated sigh. She resisted the temptation to reach out and soothe him the way she would have done with most bed partners. A moment later he asked in a small voice, “Could you stroke my hair?”
Delighted at the offer, she rolled to face him and began running her fingers through his hair. The smooth strands felt so satisfying in her hands. She began applying just a bit of tension. He reacted with a long slow exhale, completely unlike the frustrated huff he’d let out moments before.
Her hand brushed past his data port. He let out a stifled “mmphf.”
“Oh, sorry!”
“No, it’s all right. It feels nice.”
“You said you didn’t like pressure there?”
“Not from the pillow. It’s sensitive. You can touch it though.”
She gently explored the skin around his port with her fingers. He let out another low noise, not exactly a moan of arousal but something was definitely happening.
“Humans carry electric charge. I can feel your fingers.”
“That’s fascinating! I wouldn’t expect that low of a signal to have much effect?”
He was silent for a moment. Then he blurted out, “I wrote a program to amplify the sensation. I hope that’s all right.”
“Of course, honey. How wonderful that you can do that! I didn’t know you had a program like that.”
“I meant I wrote it just now. So I can feel how nice it is in more places. That’s not weird to you?”
“I think it’s marvelous.”
His legs began to shake. It was a little similar to his earlier kicking but didn’t seem to trouble him as much.
As if guessing her thoughts, he said, “Things misfire sometimes. I was in an accident a while back, there’s some lingering nerve issues. Sometimes it’s good to get the weird false signals released.”
“Mmm.”
She ran her thumb over his data port. This time his sharp inhale definitely suggested arousal.
“More of that, or no?”
He answered with an inarticulate noise of appreciation.
She teased and played with his data port, wondering if it might lead somewhere. But his breathing slowly deepened and then he lay still. He must have fallen asleep.
Her own arousal had crept back up but she felt no urge to act on it. She savored the warmth between her legs. Tomorrow she might get her heart broken. But that was tomorrow.