Chapter Text
“Let’s go.”
Rocky and Adrian looked up from the TV. Ryland had been pacing and nibbling his thumb anxiously, going over what the pair had said.
“Are you sure?” Adrian said, checking their watch.
“Yes. Yeah. I’m probably overthinking it anyway, it’s a night at his bar, he probably invited me to get the numbers up or something.”
They all knew he didn’t believe this, but when Rocky opened his mouth to protest, a sharp elbow found its way to his side.
At 6pm, Rocky, Adrian and Ryland found themselves walking the same route they’d walked just the week before. They’d gotten off the bus in the middle of town but the walk wasn’t too far.
Ryland was, once again, anxiously biting the skin around his thumbnail as Rocky tried to keep him distracted.
“So any particular karaoke song preference? Because me and Adrian are going to do Disco 2000 by Pulp and I’ll probably end up doing one by myself, Blur or Green Day or something.”
“Who said we were doing Pulp?” Adrian questioned.
“We always do Pulp!” Rocky replied, linking his arm with theirs, inadvertently causing Ryland to fall back slightly.
“Mmm maybe we could try something else?”
Their voices faded into the background as Ryland watched the city lights go past him, taking in his city.
They could hear the bar before they turned the corner, the music spilling into the side street. The door was wide open ,with a few people milling around outside, smoking and chatting. Ryland swallowed as he walked towards it, picking his thumb and trying to push the thought of the last time he was there to the back of his mind.
He could just see Gracie’s disappointed face, and Simon’s shock. It was all so awkwa-
“There’s Evie!” Rocky interrupted his train of thought, pointing his finger through the window at the girl sitting just behind the bar, talking to a woman with blonde curls and a wide smile.
Evie caught her teachers’ glance and jumped up, yelling down the bar as she did. Ryland hovered before the door, letting Rocky and Adrian go in front. His heart was racing and there was a pit in his stomach.
Rocky and Adrian entered through the open door, not checking to see the mess that was developing behind them. Ryland bolted around to the side of the building, breaths catching in his throat. He sunk down to the floor, holding his head as if to try to push the thoughts out manually.
“What do you mean you need to go? Who was that guy?”
“You never make time for me, it’s like I don’t matter to you?”
“A friend of mine.”
“You’re fucking useless.”
The words flooded through his brain and he felt sick to his stomach. Thoughts of the people he’d let down and disappointed. Sitting on the piss covered floor of the back alley, tears filled his eyes but didn’t fall, sticking on his face like the breaths in his throat- labored and painful. What felt like an age but was probably only a minute passed, and he started planning his route home. They’d taken the bus but he could probably book an uber and text Rocky an apology on the way. He’d just have to face Simon on Monday and apologise to Evie, he was sure Rocky would make enough appearance for the three of them, and Evie wouldn’t mind too much. He dug the heel of his hand into his eyes to again still the thoughts surfacing and swimming, the tears finally falling silently down his cheeks.
“Ryland?”
He looked up, the light from the corner shop next to the bar was being shadowed by a large figure towering over him. Simon.
He sniffed, wiping his nose on his sleeve in an attempt to compose himself, but his breathing was still ragged so he couldn’t get a word out.
“Hey look at me.” The figure said, crouching down to his level. “Breathe in with me.”
Ryland tried, but it hitched halfway through.
“That’s alright, try again. In.” Simon breathed in, some theatricality in his hand going up and down to demonstrate. Ryland tried again, closing his eyes and breathing in.
“Hold it for three seconds.” He continued to demonstrate, “And out.”
They sat for a second, breathing together.
“I’m sorry.” Ryland finally croaked out.
“Don’t be. Do you want me to get your friends?” He said calmly, “They’re inside.”
Ryland exhaled, “No, don’t worry. I’ll call myself a taxi or something.”
“Okay.”
Ryland caught his eye for a second, the stoic composure that usually resided there had been replaced with a genuine concern.
“Or you can wait a second and I’ll drive you home.”
Ryland’s mouth flapped open, once again unable to form a word. He wiped his nose on his sleeve, clearing his throat.
“Do you need a tissue?” Simon asked, producing one from his pocket anyway.
Ryland looked down at it. “Thank you.” He managed, taking it from him and wiping his eyes and nose, embarrassment showing around his cheeks and ears. He hoped it was dark enough that Simon wouldn’t notice.
“Sorry, I’m sorry, I just got myself worked up, and I probably shouldn’t have come out in the first place, I think I’m coming down with something, or maybe I’m just anxious, it’s stupid, I’m sorry.” he rambled, standing up and wiping himself down with his hands and the tissue.
“No.”
“Pardon?”
“No, it’s not stupid. Don’t be sorry.” Simon said, plainly, his eyes still full of concern.
“O-okay.”
They stood opposite each other for a second, silent but not awkward. A comfortable silence.
“I’ll drive you home.” Simon said, breaking it. “But I just need to get karaoke set up first.”
“Okay. Thank you.” Ryland responded with a small smile.
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Simon led Ryland past the people hanging around outside and into the crowded bar.
“I’ll get you some water.” Simon stated, then ducked behind the bar, leaving Ryland on the other side. He filled a glass with water, ignoring a smirk launched in his direction from Libby then walked to the end of the bar where he found Ryland, Rocky and Adrian talking to Evie.
“Si! Look who I found!” She grinned. He pushed the water over to the teacher wordlessly.
“The librarian and physics teacher,” he acknowledged with a nod, “Nice to see you again.”
“You too!” Rocky replied, already finishing off his first beer.
“I need to set up karaoke, can I get you another one?” he gestured to Rocky, who in turn looked at Adrian, who gave him a nod of approval.
“Yes please! And something a little harder for my friend here!” He gave Ryland an elbow, “You can’t do karaoke sober!”
Simon watched Ryland reach for words to form an excuse to leave, then falter with a sigh. “Can I get a pint too?”
“2 pints!” Rocky said triumphantly, causing Evie to giggle. Rocky and Adrian shared a look, clearly slightly concerned with the fact this might not be the most professional or teacher-ly environment. Simon caught Ryland’s eye as he went to pour the pints, a small eyebrow raised to ask if this is what he wanted. Ryland gave a small smile and nod, a deep breath to show that he was feeling a bit better.
Simon produced the two drinks and placed them on the bar. Rocky got out his wallet to pay but Simon held his hand up.
“Those ones are on me.” he said, then turned towards the karaoke machine.
“Thank you!” he heard Rocky shout down the bar.
He found Libby next to the makeshift stage, trying desperately to connect the microphones to her laptop.
“So you found your teacher?” she smirked, not looking up from the wires she was playing around with.
Simon didn’t respond, crouching down to meet her.
After a lot of cursing and trial and error, the pair fixed the DIY karaoke station and Libby stood up proudly.
“WELCOME!” She announced, throwing her arm not holding the microphone in the air, “to the first Hail Mary karaoke night in… a while! I’m Libby, that’s Simon,” She pointed to Simon, who was attempting to scurry away before he got caught. “He runs this place, so be nice to him.” A few whoops and cheers. “Anyway! Come and write down your name and the song you’d like to sing on this sheet here,” She lifted the sheet, displaying it to the chattering audience. “And we’ll get started very soon!”
A surge of people ran towards the sheet, forming a strangely shaped queue before she could even leave the stage. Rocky was one of them, darting past people but still only making it towards the end of line. Simon watched Adrian roll their eyes lovingly. He leaned towards Ryland once he’d made his way back to the bar, “I can drive you back now, if you’d like.”
The blond man turned to him with a lopsided smile, lifting his drink up, “I’m okay. Thank you.” Simon nodded. “Plus I have to finish my beer.”
That earned a small, victorious smile from Simon, who quickly turned away once he felt it warm his cheeks.
The first few people worked their way through some interesting covers of Abba and Queen, cheers from the audience filling the awkward gaps. It had started late, so Evie was very anxious she wouldn’t get to sing before she had to go home.
“Good thing you’re friends with the karaoke sheet guardian!” Libby said proudly. Evie whispered what she wanted to do in Libby’s ear, giggling to herself. Libby looked very surprised, but gave Evie a fist bump and told her she had good taste.
A young looking guy stood up to do ‘Creep’ by Radiohead, which always gets awkward very quickly, Simon noted.
“They always think Creep will be funny then they get a minute in and it’s just uncomfortable for everyone,” he said, not to anyone in particular but Ryland responded with a small laugh.
“Does it happen a lot?” He asked.
“Every single karaoke night.”
Ryland laughed a bit louder. The sound warmed Simon’s face again, he was just happy Ryland was feeling a bit better.
Once the guy had uncomfortably shuffled off stage with scattered applause, Libby stood up to announce the next person up.
“Next! Is my close personal friend, close friend to the bar, and the youngest person here!” Evie jumped off her seat and started towards the stage. “Evie! With Ain’t it Fun by Paramore!”
All the bar staff turned to look at Simon, impressed and surprised.
“She loves Paramore. I blame Libby.” He said, shaking his head.
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Ryland watched incredulously as Evie belted her way through the Paramore song, holding Hayley Williams’ high notes impressively (for an 11 yr old). She came off stage and her fan club, along with pretty much everyone else in the bar, cheered and applauded her. She went red but couldn’t stop smiling, scurrying behind the bar with her refilled coke.
Ryland watched Simon looking at Evie. His resting face was usually stern, emotionless and hidden behind the scars that littered his cheek, but Ryland noticed that whenever he looked at Evie, his face melted ever so slightly. His eyebrows relaxed out of their resting furrowed state and his mouth became less pursed. He was very attractive.
Ryland smiled to himself at the realisation, a quiet peace that he hadn’t noticed before when he thought about Simon. He found himself staring a little too long, however, as Simon turned and caught him staring. He looked down sharply and sheepishly, the warmth staying in his chest, slowly replacing the lump that had formed over the course of the day. Or maybe even longer.
“And next!” Libby announced, after progressively drunker patrons yelled their way through pop songs. “Rocky and Adrian with Disco 2000 !”
Rocky turned and grinned at Adrian, who rolled their eyes in return. He had not won the argument, Ryland assumed, but he’d got to the sign up sheet first.
Rocky grabbed their hand and danced over to the stage, laughing and tripping over himself. Ryland checked his watch. 7:43. Rocky was this drunk at 7:43.
He moved to the front of the bar to watch his friends sing (and record them), pushing through the crowd uncomfortably. Grace was tall, but all limbs, so getting through this many people was easy, but very awkward. He burst out the other side, cheering as his friends sang. He was on his third pint and feeling a bit wavy, but improved from the start of the night. Adrian held their composure throughout the song, a lot better than Rocky despite having drank more. They kept their arm around Rocky, part lovingly and part to steady him as he swayed throughout the song. Ryland beamed up at them, happy to see his friends so happy.
They got to the end and Ryland cheered, laughing and slapping them both on the back. They made their way back through the crowd, easier now that Rocky was jumping and falling as he went.
“You were right,” came Evie’s voice, she was leaning against the bar with a lopsided grin, “Mx E IS better at karaoke.”
Rocky turned to Grace, mock shocked and betrayed, “How could you?”
“That was our secret!” Ryland whisper-shouted to Evie. She chuckled and put her hand over her mouth.
Evie and Ava left after that, with much protesting and herding. She kept running back in to say goodbye to ‘one more person!’ until essentially everyone in the bar had been waved at and side-hugged.
“It’s so great she can come here and loves it so much, I used to hate going to my dad’s job when he worked late.” Ryland sighed, waiting for his next drink.
“I guess. I think I worry she spends too much time in this bar for someone her age.” Simon shrugged, passing him a water. He was spacing out his beers because his head had started pounding slightly.
“Mmm, maybe. But it is good you two get on so well.”
Simon’s face softened again, like she was back in his presence. “It is.”
“And next up! Ryland and Rocky with In Too Deep by Sum 41”
Ryland’s mouth dropped open. He turned to Rocky, who was grinning madly.
“I had to!! Just like college.” He grabbed his friend’s hand, who turned to Simon with a fake grimace and a drunken laugh.
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Simon looked over sympathetically, watching Ryland get dragged away and up to the front of the bar. Libby passed Rocky the microphone and bounded over to Simon, smiling wildly and wiggling her eyebrows. He rolled his eyes at her, but stayed locked into the performance unfolding in front of him.
The song began and they started singing along, Rocky shouting random parts, more unable to keep himself together than his performance with Adrian.
Rocky hiccupped into the mic and gave up around the end of the first verse, pushing it into Ryland’s hands and clapping along supportively.
He started off nervously, but Simon watched the alcohol overtake him and he started getting into it. He hadn’t heard this song before, but when the chorus started and Ryland began banging his head to the lyrics, Simon’s mouth dropped open. It was a new side to the quiet, unsure of himself ‘Ryland’ he knew, as well as the put together, kid friendly ‘Dr Grace’ he’d met inside the school walls. This was college Ryland. A vision of 21 year old Ryland appeared in his head, an immature, relaxed, confident person. That wasn’t to say the man he knew now wasn’t these things, but it showed a different dimension to him. He looked so carefree and passionate on the weird lino square of Simon’s bar, singing into a microphone he was clasping like it was going to run away. Everyone in the bar was loving it, jumping and cheering and singing with him. He’d gone slightly red, but didn’t seem embarrassed at all.
“Instead of going under! Instead of going under again! Instead of going-”
“Rum and coke please?”
Simon shook his head, snapping himself out of his trance. He nodded at the man and started pouring it.
“Distracted are we?” Libby had sidled up to him, hovering just out of his way.
“Piss off Libs.” he said, not unkindly. She put her hands up defensively and slipped out of the way to serve another customer.
He pushed the card machine in the man’s direction, along with the drink. Ryland and Rocky had finished, and were receiving scattered applause from around the bar but treating it like a sold out stadium, Rocky bowing with a flourish.
The man shook his head at Rocky, taking the drink with a tut. “Homos.” he muttered under his breath.
“I’m sorry?” Simon said, leaning in closer.
“Nevermind.” he retreated, clearly put off by Simon’s appearance and stature. Wise, as he was half his size and scrawny.
Simon let him leave, leaning over to Libby discreetly, “Keep an eye on that one.” She nodded.
“Well done boys, that was awesome!” Adrian said, clapping as they bounced over to them, still fizzing with energy.
Ryland was grinning ear to ear, and Rocky was panting like he’d run a marathon, tying his long, sweaty hair up in a ponytail. He fumbled, hair falling over his face.
“Thaaank you my love.” he went in to put an arm around Adrian’s shoulders and stumbled awkwardly, falling over the bar.
“Woahh I think it’s time to go!” Adrian yelped, grabbing their falling husband. “Ry? You coming with us.”
Simon watched the man, still grinning and still full of energy, look from his drunk friends to him.
“I can drive him home later. If you want to stay.” The words left Simon’s mouth before he realised he’d thought them. He needed to stop that from happening.
“Yeah? Is that okay?” He was looking to Adrian for approval as well as Simon, head flying back and forth between them.
“Sure bud, text me when you get back okay?” Adrian smiled and patted his knee, lifting Rocky up, who had stopped speaking the English language.
Ryland said his goodbyes then turned to Simon. “Thank you.”
He shrugged, “No problem. It’s still only early.”
“It’s 10:30.”
“Yeah. Early.”
“We live very different lives.” Ryland said with a laugh, sliding himself onto the nearest bar stool.
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The night crept on, the pair watching more and more karaoke unfold and giving running commentary throughout. Simon introduced Ryland to the rest of his coworkers, so he was constantly talking to someone when Simon was serving drinks. He really liked Libby, she was very intense but hilarious. He met Beth and Rose briefly, they left quite early but realised that Ryland had taught Beth’s younger sister a few years before, so bonded over that. He was talking to Maddy about her dog when Simon emerged from the back of the bar holding two bin bags in his one hand. Ryland jumped up to help, swiping one of the bags off of him.
“I can do it.”
“I know,” Ryland responded, drunkenly giddy, “I’ve been drinking for free I thought I’d pull my weight a bit.”
They stepped out into the dark, lit only by the neon sign and shop opposite. Simon led him over to the large, industrial bins and threw his bag inside. Ryland copied, managing to swing it a bit too hard and nearly topple over. Simon grabbed his arm to steady him, allowing the bag to land successfully in the bin.
“10 points!” He shouted triumphantly, throwing his hands in the air. Simon let out an ‘almost laugh’ breath and turned back up the alley.
“Hey, thank you.” Ryland shouted quickly after him. Simon spun backwards slowly.
“You said thank you. Don’t worry about it.”
“No! Well, yes, thank you for the lift, but also thank you for earlier.”
Simon breathed in sharply, “Don’t worry about it.”
“No, you really helped me, and I really appreciate it.”
Simon nodded solemnly, unsure of what to say in the wake of Ryland’s sudden sober appearance.
“I get it.” He landed on, as obscure as he could.
Ryland nodded back appreciatively.
“Give me your phone.” Simon said, putting out his hand. Ryland obeyed. “If it happens again. Call me.”
He placed the phone back in Ryland’s hand and turned to leave. His phone buzzed in his back pocket.
“Just checking it worked.” Ryland said with a smile, “Thank you.”
Karaoke finished at 1:30, when one of the ‘singers’ nearly threw up on the microphone, narrowly missing it as Libby grabbed it out of her hands and directed her to the toilet.
“Still a success!” She declared, emerging from the toilet, drying her hands on her trousers.
The staff (politely) kicked the straggling few customers out of the bar and began to pack up. Ryland perched on the end, watching the bar wind down. It was weird seeing it so empty, the house lights on so everyone could see what they were doing. They worked quickly, chattering and joking as they mopped and cleaned. Once they were satisfied, Simon let them all go home, the pair waving everyone off as he locked the front door.
“See you tomorrow!”
“Bye!”
“Nice to meet you Ryland!”
“You too!”
Ryland leant against the window, the cold glass sobering him up as he felt it against his head. He watched Simon turning the keys in the different locks, struggling slightly.
“Do you need a hand?” he asked, sincerely.
“I often do.” Simon said under his breath.
“Oh my god! I didn’t mean-! Sorry I’m still a bit tipsy I didn’t-”
Simon laughed. An actual genuine laugh that radiated from his stomach and out of his mouth, which was curved fully upwards. It was a deep laugh, rich and … beautiful.
God I am drunk.
A laugh slowly emerged from Ryland, until they were both laughing, loud and obnoxious, in the street outside of the bar. It died down, but Ryland’s eyes stayed on Simon’s face.
“What is it?” Simon asked, still smiling.
“I have never seen you laugh before. Or even smile that much.”
His face went back to its resting state, mouth a straight line, but there was still a softness there. A comfortability.
“You have a really nice laugh Simon.”
In the dark, he could see Simon’s face go slightly red as he looked at his feet, his hair covering his eyes as it fell. Ryland felt a similar warmth grow in his stomach, despite the November chill they were standing in. Or it might have been the alcohol.
After a second, Simon looked back up, holding Ryland’s gaze. He’d never noticed that Simon was in fact shorter than him. It wasn’t by much, but now that they were standing so close together Simon did have to look up at him when he spoke.
“Thank you.”
He looked so… gorgeous in the dim light coming from the bar sign and the street light. His deep brown eyes looked black and his scars looked light blue and purple.
“Can..Can I touch them?” Ryland stumbled over his words, after realising Simon had caught him staring.
“Yes.”
He was slightly surprised at the answer, but maybe due to how simple it was. Just yes. He brought his hand tentatively up to Simon’s cheek, feeling the bumps and ridges of the damaged skin. It was so smooth where the cuts had healed, but rough where the skin was untouched. His eyes scanned over them, light pink and jagged. In a drunken haze, his eyes moved across the shorter man’s face, down to his lips. With a jolt, he realised what he was doing and adjusted his eyes to meet Simon’s gaze. His eyebrows weren’t furrowed in their normal scary way, instead softening his face. His eyes glinted in the light and Ryland watched him take his gaze down to his own lips. With his hand still on Simon’s face, vision slightly blurred and with a warmth and fear in his chest, Ryland leaned in to kiss him.
Simon’s mouth moved to meet his lips and he pulled him closer. His mouth moved against Ryland’s as he reached his arm around his waist. He could feel his weight against him and the stubble rough against his fingers. Giddy and drunk, Ryland smiled into the kiss, causing Simon to pull away slightly, foreheads still pressed together.
“What’s so funny?”
“You. You’re so..” Ryland was smiling, wide, still stroking the other man’s cheek with his thumb.
Simon’s face softened into a smile, smaller than before, more private. Just for him. Ryland leaned down to kiss him again, when Simon’s face hardened and he pushed him away. Gently, but enough for him to know he meant it.
“Sor- sorry, I know I’m drunk, it-” Ryland began to ramble. Simon wasn’t looking at him anymore, instead fixed on something behind him. Ryland turned to see what it was when a shout ran through him.
“FAGS!”
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Simon saw red as the man from the bar yelled at him. He stepped out of the warmth of Ryland’s presence and into the drunk’s line of fire. He was stumbling around with two other guys, shit-eating grin on his face which only wavered slightly as Simon approached them. Simon’s head was reeling and he couldn’t form a thought, all the customer service fake politeness that he’d been presenting all day disappeared.
“Do you want to say that to my face?”
“What?” A different man answered, stepping in front of him.
Simon kept his eyes on the one who’d yelled, he was swaying with a smile. “Say that. To my face.”
He stopped swaying and stumbled forward, pushing his protective friend out of the way, “I said,” he pushed a fat finger into Simon’s chest, “Fags.”
A punch landed before the word could fully settle.
“Simon!”
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“I’m sorry.” Simon broke the silence in the car, his voice hoarse. He had blood over his knuckles and a cut on his face which was still bleeding. He didn’t take his eyes off of the road.
Ryland cleared his throat nervously, wiping his nose. “That was terrifying Simon.” he mumbled. He felt pathetic saying it like that, but it was the truth. It was a whole different side to the man he’d never seen before. The side that people assumed they’d see when they met him, large and scarred and unsmiling. But Ryland had always been able to see past that, he really thought he knew Simon. The way he looked at Evie and the way he cared about her, how passionate he was about his job and looking after the people who worked for him, and the way he looked at Ryland. The way he had laughed not even an hour before, soft and caring and sweet.
Ryland was not naive. He knew that Simon and Evie had a rough past, he wasn’t blind, but he had assumed that it was in the past. Maybe that was naive, he thought.
They arrived at Ryland’s flat building in silence. Simon pulled up outside and turned the engine off. He turned to Ryland for the first time since they got in the car.
“That shouldn’t have happened. I’m sorry.”
Ryland sighed, avoiding eye contact, “Thank you for driving me home.” he said, and got out of the car.
He leant on the door to his flat once he’d arrived and cried. The tears fell slowly at first but he was reduced to ugly, hitching sobs very quickly. His drunkenness had stopped being fun, turning into a pounding headache and a sickness in the bottom of his stomach. He sat on the floor and cried, the events of the evening playing out on a loop in his head, overlapping and jumbling together. Him and Simon had kissed?! Karaoke with Rocky, chatting to Simon’s coworkers, crying in the alley, standing in the same alley and getting Simon’s number, then Simon punching that man. Again and again. He squeezed his eyes tightly, the sound of the man’s screams piercing his ears, the shock on the other’s faces, the hoarse feeling in his throat from shouting at Simon to stop. The dead, vacant look in Simon’s eyes that had replaced the beautiful glint in a split second.
He felt dirty and horrible. The warm glow in his stomach that he’d felt had turned sour and sharp, it bubbled to his throat and he threw up. All over his trousers that he’d so carefully picked out, the welcome mat his ex had selected all those years ago, all over the memory of Simon’s lips against his.
Disgusted and startled, he slowly lifted himself off of the floor and into the bathroom, where he promptly threw up again, the smell and feeling on his clothes reaching his throat. He peeled his clothes off and dropped them into the bath tub, which he then stepped into. The water was cold and aggressive as he stood underneath it, unmoving. The tears leaving his eyes joined the water from the shower, coating his face. Clumsily, he poured some shower gel into his hand and used it to pat his body clean.
He wasn’t exactly sure how long he spent in the shower, ending up wrapped in a towel on the end of his bed, staring into the corner of his room. His clothes remained in a wet pile in the bath, he’d made a mental note to deal with that in the morning. The room spun and he wasn’t sure exactly how he was going to manage putting clothes on and getting into his bed, so resorted to throwing the towel off lazily and crawling under the duvet, naked. One of the many perks of living alone.
He curled up into a ball, trying to think of anything but the events of the night. He hadn’t even had a chance to address the possibility of being gay before he was called out for it. If that was the price to pay maybe it wasn’t worth it. Maybe Simon wasn’t worth it.
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Simon had sat outside of Ryland’s flat building for longer than he’d admit. He’d wanted to shout out another apology. An explanation. Anything to get him to turn around. To come back to the warmth they’d shared for a split second when their lips had touched.
He stayed silent.
He watched Ryland disappear into the building and up the stairs. The side of his face itched indescribably, but he knew that more blood would coat his fingers if he scratched it. He stared blankly out of the window and felt a pit open in his stomach.
He returned to his empty house, Evie must have stayed at Ava’s, he thought, reaching for his phone. He went to check for any messages but his phone had died at some point towards the end of that shift. He opened the door into the dark living room dizzily, the pit growing as he moved through the empty space. He poured himself a glass of water and shuffled upstairs. Once up there, he got changed, throwing his clothes on the ground like a teenager and sliding into bed. His limbs felt heavy, the space where his arm once resided ached, the skin tight and sore. His mouth was dry no matter how much water he drank and the blood on his face and hand had gone sticky and itchy. He stared at the ceiling, feeling alone and disgusting and evil. He hadn’t felt like this since he left Eden, it scared him. He scared himself so much that he didn’t know how anyone trusted him. How he could be trusted with Evie. Or Ryland.
He rolled over to check his phone after it charged, he had 2 messages.
Ava
Evie’s come back to mine! Thought you might have a late one, see you tomorrow : )
He sent a thumbs up in response and opened the second message.
[Unknown Number]
This is Simon’s number. Text him whenever.
The message stared back at him. His eyes clouded over as a tear formed and fell silently. The pit in his stomach grew and he could hear Ryland’s shouts in the back of his mind. The begging and pleading from him and the man and his friends. The voices continued ringing until they merged with the sounds of a past life. A past life he’d left behind but would never be able to shake, to run away from. He screwed his eyes up, breathing growing heavier as the memories flooded back, the dam holding them in the recesses of his brain cracking and breaking. He started hyperventilating, sitting up as tears flew wildly from his eyes while he tried to regain his breath. Eyes still closed, he tried to hold himself together.
In for 3. Hold for 3. Out for 3.
His breathing slowed as he repeated the words that he’d reeled off earlier that evening. A stupid therapy hack he’d been taught all those years ago that he hated to admit worked because it was so simple and cheap. It didn't really do anything but it slowed everything down, put it into perspective a little.
He stared at the phone, discarded to the side. The message glared at him, a bitter reminder of the mistake he had made. He typed out a message, hovering his thumb over the send icon, tired brain running through the pros and cons of reaching out. Ryland probably never wanted to see him again. He’d probably been scared and disgusted and uncomfortable with not only how Simon reacted, but the situation as a whole. Seeing a message from Simon was maybe the last thing that he needed, and he had no idea what it was going to be like on Monday. Simon felt that he should keep someone so lovely and caring and perfect at arms length- ensure that he is far enough away that he can’t get hurt.
But a more selfish part, the instinctive part that put his own needs first for survival, wanted to stand in that warmth again. Stand in the sunshine that Ryland emitted and the happiness that he’d felt every time he got out of his car and walked to the steps that he’d always found the blond teacher crouched upon. His care and attention, his lopsided smile, his passion and energy. The way he’d held him for 3 minutes, no longer. The way he wanted nothing more than to feel that warmth again.
Simon was not a selfish person. But for survival, he really needed the sun.
[Unknown Number]
This is Simon’s number. Text him whenever.
Simon
Please do.