Chapter Text
"I hate my stupid life man" I say burying my face into the pillow.
I haven't slept for three fucking days now. I've got no clue why, usually I sleep to much not to little. The only times I can remember having insomnia like this was when dad came home that one time and decided to stay for awhile. I was so paranoid that something was going to happen that I couldn't sleep till he left. I don't remember why I was so worried, Suminari probably said something that set me off he loved doing that.
He would be just laughing his ass off if he could see me right now or even if he could see the last two years. I've done so many things that he would laugh at. Like caring more about birds then I do myself, he'd say something about me always staying the same and then smack me for not taking proper care of myself while continuing to laugh at me.
I need to stop thinking about him, I'm to tiered to start getting all emotional. I don't even think I could cry if I wanted to, pretty sure I've used them all up the last time I cried. Or at least that's what I hope. Its embarrassing to cry so much after being able to hold all that in for basically a year. And I'm a man I shouldn't be acting like this.
Alright you know what? I know what'll fix this bullshit. Pushing up and off the bed I walk over to my bag and start rummaging though it till I find the old thick leather bound book at the very bottom. This will be my salvation!
'The New World's Guide To Rumored, Rare, And Extincted Birds'
I don't even remember when I first got my hands on this book but it has been a source of comfort for my enter life. This of course isn't the same copy form when I was younger, I had to leave that one behind. Though it still holds the same amount of value to me.
How I didn't think to read this over the past week and something is beyond me. But I seem to be forgetting basic things in favor of bad memories as of late so that might be the reason. I could have also just been being stupid. That is also very possible.
I sit down with my back against the wall and open the book up right were I had left it and-
"You're fucking kidding me" I say aloud to myself as I stare at the (quite pretty) drawing of a phoenix on the page.
This has to be some type of massive joke the universe is playing on me in particular! Like this is just fucking ridicules! How the hell does this happen to me!
Whatever, I'll still read about it because phoenix's are still cool as hell even with Marco staining their reputation.
'Many have rumored to have seen a phoenix all over both the new world and the blues but there has been no solid evidence for its actual existence. Photos have been taken of a phoenix in the past but upon closer inspection by professionals it seems to have just been the current holder of the Tori Tori no Mi.'
Ok when the fuck was this published. Flipping to the very beginning I scan the page until I find it and… Ten years ago. "Fucking Marco! I can't even escape him in my book!" I wanna throw something. Or scream. Both actually sound really good.
I know all of the sightings they are talking about weren't him there were probably users before him but a lot of them must have and that is frustrating. More then that honestly.
I read this book to escape the world to escape my thought and feelings and imagine what it would be like to see all these birds in real life but now my real life is getting dragged into the book and I don't know what to do about that. I don't know what to fucking feel other then anger. Its the easiest thing to feel. And maybe that says some deep shit about me that Juniper would ask- no demand I tell her about but I'm nothing like her so I really don't give a shit about learning why I think like this or feel like this.
I just wanna escape.
Looking down at the book I run my hand over the cover and even though its been this way for the three years I've had my hands on this copy the lack of wear and the rip at the very top just doesn't feel right. The book had been a gift from Suminari for one of my birthdays I think and I had read it over and over and over again I just couldn't put it down. It got to a point were June had to hide it from me so I would leave my room and do something but read it. That thing was bird watch outside but it was still a win for her. The myths though I never really paid much mind to I didn't want to hear about birds people told stories about I wanted to know about the bird that always chose to sit on my window or the ones who flew away during the winter and the ones that didn't. Maybe if I had actually read them I wouldn't be acting like this because I would have known he was in it but I didn't and I'm mad about it.
I'm mad about everything right now.
Is being mad better then being sad? Maybe. Anger is an emotion more associated with men then sadness is but that's not a good thing.
Letting out a deep breath I look up at the ceiling gripping the book in my hands tightly. I don't… I don't know.
All the anger seeps out just as quickly as it came and I just feel tired. My grip on the book loosens and I let my eyes fall closed.
God I must look pathetic. Why do I bother with this shit anymore.
I just end up back in bed curled up like a loser in the end. At least its a bed and not the cold stone of that cave now I guess. Whatever Marco saw in me back on the island is probably gone now I've been nothing but an annoying little shit the entire time even though he saved (kidnapped) me from there and I'm sure his brothers or whatever didn't act like this.
It would have been better if he just left me there to die.